Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Tuesday Testimony



Today is Transparent Tuesday over at Tracy’s Transparent Life, where telling your testimony could help change someone’s life. I’m sure God has done something amazing in your life, so won’t you come and join us? To get the whole story start here: January 6.
I would like to take you back about 3 years before that September morning.

My husband and I along with our daughter had just finished watching the movie…Tilly(http://www.frankperetti.com/product/261.htm?parentid=1369) you might remember in a earlier post, I had mentioned the audio tape of Tilly.It’s about a woman and her husband who had an abortion in the early years of their marriage. They never spoke about it until something triggered her to start thinking about their child again. It was then she started to experience Post Abortion Syndrome. (http://www.inourmidst.com/reactions_effects.htm#pas)
Many of you might be thinking, why we would be watching this kind of movie with Sydney? I assure you, she only knew that abortion was not the will of God and it meant a life had been ended. This movie is wonderfully done and speaks of the forgiveness of God.

As the movie ended, we all sat there on the couch with tears running down our faces. No one was speaking. The room had now been filled with the sound of silence. It was then,Sydney turned to me and in her soft voice whispered “Mommy, do you know anyone who had an abortion?” After taking a deep breath...I replied “Yes.” Then came the one question I feared the most, once again in her child-like voice she asked “Mommy, did you ever have an abortion?”

At that moment my world stopped. I wasn't sure what to say. I wanted to pretend that I didn’t hear the question that was now piercing my heart. I wanted to lie, yet I had prayed many times for the opportunity to someday tell my children, but not today, I wasn’t ready. I wanted to say “no” and go on with my life. But my life was no longer mine, it belonged to God. I knew in my heart God was opening the door to my secret sin.
He was about to take me one step closer to a place called…trust.
Immediately, my throat became dry as fear gripped my heart. I was so full of shame. I remember looking over at my husband, as if to say “Should we tell her?” As soon as his eyes meet mine, I knew the answer. I reached out and place her hand in mine, while all the time praying in my heart that God would give me the words to help her understand. I wasn’t sure if she would ever comprehend why we chose to end our child’s life…but I knew it was time to tell her the truth.

There was someone else who also needed to know the truth and that was my son, from a previous marriage. We had told him at the time of my pregnancy that I had a miscarriage. This lie had been stored in Ryan’s heart for sixteen years. So, God in his sovereignty after two years of revealing the truth to our daughter opened the door to uncover my hidden secret with my son.

Telling my children was far from being easy but the burden of not talking about my other child, their brother, was destroying me and my family. For many years, I feared judgment from my children but what I received was forgiveness.

Tammy

21 comments:

Chatty Kelly said...

God is so good. And I'm so thankful that your children showed you mercy. Sometimes I think it's good for them to see us fall and how we handle it. Then they can learn by our mistakes.

LisaShaw said...

My dear Tammy, every time I visit with you I find MORE strength. Your testimony continues to touch my heart and so many others.

I never heard of that movie. I will have to obtain that.

I love you and I appreciate ALL the many ways your heart and transparency blesses not only Christians but is also being used by God to draw those who don't believe YET, to Him for forgiveness and healing.

Bless you.

Jody said...

As I read this I was reminded of your post for 1-24, Love. And 1 Corinthians 13-Love is patient, love is kind,.." Thanking God for the mercy and grace extended to you from your children.

JMBMOMMY said...

i love when you said, "But my life was no longer mine, it belonged to God" -- wow, what a way to live!

Edie said...

We often want healing to come in one fell swoop and wipe away all the pain as if by magic, but God doesn't work that way. He brings healing, but a step at a time as we are able to handle it.

Hugs to you Tammy. Your story is impacting many lives.

Jan Parrish said...

Tammy, thank you for being transparent and bringing this into the light. Tilly is indeed a powerful testimony. And the forgiveness and love in your own family is just as powerful.

May this story offer hope and freedom from those who are suffering from the guilt and grief of abortion and may it stop those who are considering abortion. God bless your, dear warrior of truth!

Shannon said...

What a testimony Tammy! Isn't is great the freedom we have in His forgiveness?!?

Laura said...

I cannot imagine how difficult this must have been. God often gives me the strength I need to do the unthinkable through the sweet trust of my children.

It touched me so much that you held her hand as you told her your secret. God has really shaped you through these experiences.

And what a beautiful creation He has made.

Debra said...

Tammy,

I have been here before and read this before but it never ceases to bring me to tears. Our God is an amazing God. Your strength to do the will of God at that moment still renders me breathless.

Blessings to you.

Cricket said...

Tammy
Thank you for being so honest...this will definately not go void.

Just Between Us Girls said...

Thank you for your blog. I only know when ever I ask God for help ....He has helped me....He never lets me or my family down.
Sincerely,
Pat

Beth in NC said...

That is so beautiful that you were able to share with your children. Though I've never experienced being pregnant (we adopted our daughter), I have many other hard truths to share with my children some day.

God bless you and your sweet family Tammy!

Love,
Beth

Nancy said...

Sister, thank you for your honesty. I have been in your shoes and I mean that literally. I had to confess this to my son when he was 22 years old because I could never find the right time. When I went to speak to a college sorority and share my testimony, I had to tell Drew so he would not hear it from someone else. It was a terribly difficult thing to do. He never imagined his mother, a Christian author and speaker, could have ever done such a thing. I used it as a lesson to teach him of choices we make in life and how no one, not even one of us, are sinless. We all fall short of the glory of God but thanks to Jesus, we are cleansed of all unrighteousness.

Great post!

Deanna said...

Hi Tammy, I found you through Lisa Shaw's blog. I began to read your story (My Secret sin) last night and finished up this morning...

you said this in one of your posts ~I think it was dated Sept 15?~


"You may not have had an abortion, but I’m sure something has touched your life to the point of drawing you closer to God or maybe it's kept you at a distance. It may not be the time for you to share your secret but when it is…God will let you know."

I carried a secret sin for several years. It ate me alive. I began to beieve that the Lord wouldn't 'love' me anyone for my terrible sin. (It's funny, because I still felt that I knew I was saved and Heaven bound, but I just that I wouldn't see any love and grace from Him while on this earth because I was nothing but a shame to Him. - A good ol' life from the enemy himself :O( - is what taunted me.)

My story is different. I didn't have a an abortion, instead I had a baby at the age of 16. the secret... I got pregnant on purpose, why... I wanted the family I never had. I believed my boyfriend and would marry.. we didn't. The shame... I had a child out of wedlock now, how could God love me and my baby anymore? I even had fear that I had 'damned' my child's soul for bringing him into this world out of wedlock. I could barely lift my face before the Lord just to ask/tell Him that if He didn't want me anymore, I would understand, but to please, please don't punish my son and to bless him.

The Lord in His grace has taught me that my son is HIS Child first and foremost... he wouldn't even be here if the Lord had not commanded life to begin in my womb- whether the circumstance of how conception took place was pleasing to Him or not. I didn't choose my son's life just because I got pregnant so easily and to what I thought was because of "my" knitting together in "my" womb. The Lord loves me- He loves my son- We are both His.

I tell my story at my blog.
hope to see you.

So much love to you from one Sister in Christ to another!
Thank so much for telling your story and even being so transparent about your struggle to love your daughter. Your truth will bless many. Though your story (His story) brings tears... it brings something even better to the heart of those in need... a Most beautiful picture of GRACE.
My heart was touched:O)

God bless,
In Him, Deanna

Tiffany Stuart said...

I've been there. Having to look my kids in the eye and share my past abortion was beyond hard, but very healing.

I read the book Tilly, but never heard of the movie. Wow, that must be powerful.

Thank you for sharing your heart. I know God is smiling.

Hugs,

Tiffany

Paula (SweetPea) said...

"I feared judgment...but received forgiveness."
Beautiful.

Marsha said...

Oh Tammy! What a beautiful testiment to God's grace!

Have you used "Surrendering the Secrets" yet? I have mine, but haven't gone through the whole thing yet. I want to do that before I run a class with some of my clients.

Be blessed.

Pat said...

Tammy,
Thank you for sharing this part of your story. Telling family and children about a past abortion is probably the greatest fear that women have. The enemy uses it to keep many of our sisters in bondage far beyond the loss of their unborn child.
In my 22 years of ministry I have NEVER seen God NOT do amazing things in every single situation when a woman allows Him to cover her past so that she can freely share the "word of her testimony" (Rev 12:11)
Bless you sister!

Melinda said...

Tammy,

I found you through Pat's blog. Thank you for sharing your story, as I know it will help so many.

I would be honored if you would consider joining a blogger prolife prayer team that I've just started, called "Changing One Heart For Many". You can read about it here:

http://travelingtheroadhome.blogspot.com/2009/01/36-years.html

There is also a grab button that you can post on your sidebar so people can continue to join over the year. Please email me through my contact button, if you have any questions.

Blessings,
Melinda

LisaShaw said...

Hey Tammy,

I was just thinking of you and thought I'd stop over to say hello. Love ya.

Wendy Blight said...

Tammy, it's Wendy Blight. Thank you for sharing your story on my blog today. I love hearing stories of God's redemption. Yes, our God is faithful, faithful to redeem and restore when we surrender our sin and our hurt to Him. You have a wonderful blog and ministry. I pray His continued anointing and blessing upon you as you share His Hope and healing with broken and hurting women!!

Sweet blessings,

Wendy