Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Tuesday Testimony

Today is Transparent Tuesday over at Tracy’s Transparent Life, where telling your testimony could help change someone’s life. I’m sure God has done something amazing in your life, so won’t you come and join us? To get the whole story start here: January 6.
I would like to take you back about 3 years before that September morning.

My husband and I along with our daughter had just finished watching the movie…Tilly(http://www.frankperetti.com/product/261.htm?parentid=1369) you might remember in a earlier post, I had mentioned the audio tape of Tilly.It’s about a woman and her husband who had an abortion in the early years of their marriage. They never spoke about it until something triggered her to start thinking about their child again. It was then she started to experience Post Abortion Syndrome. (http://www.inourmidst.com/reactions_effects.htm#pas)
Many of you might be thinking, why we would be watching this kind of movie with Sydney? I assure you, she only knew that abortion was not the will of God and it meant a life had been ended. This movie is wonderfully done and speaks of the forgiveness of God.

As the movie ended, we all sat there on the couch with tears running down our faces. No one was speaking. The room had now been filled with the sound of silence. It was then,Sydney turned to me and in her soft voice whispered “Mommy, do you know anyone who had an abortion?” After taking a deep breath...I replied “Yes.” Then came the one question I feared the most, once again in her child-like voice she asked “Mommy, did you ever have an abortion?”

At that moment my world stopped. I wasn't sure what to say. I wanted to pretend that I didn’t hear the question that was now piercing my heart. I wanted to lie, yet I had prayed many times for the opportunity to someday tell my children, but not today, I wasn’t ready. I wanted to say “no” and go on with my life. But my life was no longer mine, it belonged to God. I knew in my heart God was opening the door to my secret sin.
He was about to take me one step closer to a place called…trust.
Immediately, my throat became dry as fear gripped my heart. I was so full of shame. I remember looking over at my husband, as if to say “Should we tell her?” As soon as his eyes meet mine, I knew the answer. I reached out and place her hand in mine, while all the time praying in my heart that God would give me the words to help her understand. I wasn’t sure if she would ever comprehend why we chose to end our child’s life…but I knew it was time to tell her the truth.

There was someone else who also needed to know the truth and that was my son, from a previous marriage. We had told him at the time of my pregnancy that I had a miscarriage. This lie had been stored in Ryan’s heart for sixteen years. So, God in his sovereignty after two years of revealing the truth to our daughter opened the door to uncover my hidden secret with my son.

Telling my children was far from being easy but the burden of not talking about my other child, their brother, was destroying me and my family. For many years, I feared judgment from my children but what I received was forgiveness.


Saturday, January 24, 2009

Like vs. Love

Many people say they believe in God. Many of us go to church on weekly basics. Some even read their bible, daily. I know this to be true, I was one of them. I had no problem on a Sunday morning walking down the aisle in the sanctuary to find my seat with cheap alcohol on my breath and memories of the night before. I would praise the Lord with raised hands, while all long trying to justify the lifestyle I was living. I will be the first to say, my life in no way glorified God but instead I mocked God.

I liked God but I didn’t love God. I liked the idea that I could call on Him for help. Knowing about Him always interested me, but to give up MY happiness?

We can only have one true love in our life. It’s a love that will take over every other emotion; it’s a love that will cause you to deny the world of all its pleasures.This love will not share space with any lifestyle of sin.

I thanked God for this Love that now consumes me.

I John 2:15 ( Amplified
Do not love or cherish the world or the things that are in the
world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in


Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Tuesday Testimony

Today is Transparent Tuesday over at Tracy’s Transparent Life, where telling your testimony could help change someone’s life. I’m sure God has done something amazing in your life, so won’t you come and join us?
Many of you have read my story (God's Story) but for those of you that might be new, please read without judgment or condemnation. To get the whole story start here:
January 6.

Trusting God is not easy for us humans especially when we think we have all the answers. So, why would I trust Him now, maybe because my life wasn't going so well? I was tired of being against my husband instead of being for him. I hated the depression that had invaded my life. I became exhausted wandering into the night life looking for love in all the wrong places. I so desperately wanted to be that "mommy" who sat on the park bench and enjoyed the laughter of her little girl. Yes, I was ready to give in,to trusting God.

It started out slow. First it was submitting to His will and not mine, to love my husband the way God loved him, unconditionally. It wasn't easy but that’s were trusting God comes in, to show us that the impossible is possible. Little by little things began to change. My mind was being renewed and my life was transforming. I was now starting to live the life that He had planned for me, the plan that He had set in place before my very first breath. But I still had one small corner of my heart that I didn't want anyone to see, not even God. I feared judgment. In my mind, I believed that if I kept my "choice" at a distance and hidden, I would avoid the memories of that rainy day on November 12, 1989.

I thought I had dealt with my abortion. I had gone through all the steps of the Forgive and Set Free bible study. Week after week I turned the pages that revealed truth to me. Yet, my actions and words of anger that came out of my mouth towards my daughter was still there. Why?

There were times when we would talk for hours about God, school, girlfriends and even boys. She would share with me her everyday struggles, her dreams and fears. On those special days love would fill the air and I would say to myself "today I will be the mommy she needs for the rest of her life." It was those moments that made the rest of our relationship so confusing. Confusing? Because in my heart I felt hatred, please forgive me for using such a strong word and for what I'm about to share with you but I need to be totally honest.

It was a September morning in 2006. My daughter who like must teenage girls was having a "moment." It always seemed that our mornings would end in an argument because of one thing or another. But this day turned out to be one of our darkest moments. Our arguing had ended in a shouting match. We said some awful things to one another and I was determined to break her. I remember watching her as she stepped up into the bus with her eyes looking at the floor and tears rolling down her face. As soon as the bus pulled away, this feeling of victory came over me. I said to myself "I'm glad she's hurting." I had put her in her place. It’s a place were I wouldn't be able to hold her, to love her and in time a place were she would forget that I was ever her mother.

Walking back to the car feelings of guilt, shame and condemnation came over me. I slipped behind the wheel and in my head I heard “shame on you." I began to cry uncontrollably. As I was driving home I could feel this spirit of darkness sitting next to me, waiting for just the right moment to devour me. I had been there before; I knew what it felt like to be depressed. I cried "God, please help me, I don't want to go back there again.” As I was trying to catch my next breath, I was sure that this time God wouldn't hear my cry.

The phone started to ring as I opened the front door and when I answered it, my friend, Dorothy was on the other end. She said "God pressed on my heart to give you a call, are you ok?" I thought to myself, “He heard me.” Here I was someone who was so undeserving yet God continued to love and woo me.
That day I spent reading God's Word. I was searching for answers to my feeling of hatred. My prayer to God was "Help me understand, I don't want to go back to that dark pit."

My daughter was a gifted from God and being her mom meant that loving her was to come natural...but I didn't know how.


Saturday, January 17, 2009

One Life at a Time

Churches, crisis pregnancy centers and many others across this nation will be celebrating the Sanctity of Human Life on January 18, 2009. At our local CPC, we have sent out hundreds of invitations to let our community know about our open house tomorrow afternoon. Our mission is to let people get a look at what we do and share from our hearts on way we do it.

So, I’m starting a day earlier on why the Sanctity of Human Life is important to me. It wasn’t always that way, but the day came when I stopped running from God and run to God. It was then He changed my heart and took my abortion to help save lives.

And we know that all things work together for good
to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
(Romans 8:28 NKJ)

Shannon, who was a client of mine and now friend, has given me permission to share a few of her thoughts during an interview I once did with her about her pregnancy before and after the birth of her son:

“After a while, you kind of go blank, and you don’t even care how many abortions you had. I came to Life Choices Center to get a pregnancy test; I told them I was going to get an abortion.”

“My mentor had also been down that road. That helped me to relax. It made me realize that living with all that guilt and shame, I didn’t have to. I didn’t have to be embarrassed anymore about my abortions. Somehow God talked though her. I went home and told my boyfriend I’m keeping this baby. There are women who will help us.”

“Life is good, now. It’s really good. He’s not a burden like I thought he would be. Everyone loves him and I thank God every day for him. I really do.”

For the last two years I have watched Shannon’s life become grounded in the Word of God. She attends church regularly, is starting college in about a week and is always reminding me how glad she is that she decided to have her son.

On January 10, 2009, I had the honor of attending a very special birthday party for a little boy who was turning 1, her son Gabriel.

Happy Birthday, Gabriel

Me, Gabriel and Mom (Shannon)


Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Tuesday Testimony

Today is Transparent Tuesday over at Tracy’s Transparent Life, where telling your testimony could help change someone’s life. I’m sure God has done something amazing in your life, so won’t you come and join us?
Many of you have read my story (God's Story) but for those of you that might be new, please read without judgment or condemnation. To get the whole story start here: January 6.

To look at Sydney, you would have seen a healthy little girl who always had a smile on her face. How could you not love her? That question was constantly in my head and on heart.

I will never forget the Friday morning on my way to work when Focus on the Family was playing an audio tape of the story “Tilly” by Frank Perretti. It’s a very touching story of a mother who made the same decision as I had. But after 9 years of running from her secret, it was time for her to be made well. I remember pulling in to the parking lot at my place of work, sobbing as I listened to the end of the story. Could my story have the same beautiful ending as hers?

On Sunday morning as I walked into church I was greeted by a woman who handed me a flyer. It was an invitation to join a bible study called Forgiven and Set Free by Linda Cochrane, which helps women deal with their past abortion(s). After reading what I had just been handed, I tried to rationalize my reason for the abortion and why this class wasn’t for me. But throughout the entire service, God wouldn’t leave me alone. As I left sanctuary at the end of the service, I found myself slowly walking toward the table where I would find the sign-up sheet for the bible study. I remember staring at it and thinking, “but everyone will see my name.” I then, picked up the pen to begin my journey.

The study took about 12 weeks and at the end I did feel better. My relationships were being mended and I started to feel closer to my daughter.But I still had that "secret sin" hidden in my heart. I had told my best friend the truth but everyone else thought I had a miscarriage. Day by day things started getting tougher again. The hate and anger started to seep back into my heart and I didn't know why. I tried so hard to love my daughter, but I couldn’t. It’s hard for some people to understand, how anyone could feel that way? How could someone who calls themselves a "Christian" hold on to so much anger and say awful things about their own child.
Believe me, I didn't understand but I so desperately wanted too.

It had been about two years since my bible study when my life started spinning out of control. It was then my husband and I decided to give our marriage one last chance to live out the forever after statement. We had previously been to about 4 or 5 worldly counselors and they were just as mixed-up as we were.

So, when someone suggested that we ought to meet with their pastor, we agreed. We figured, what would we have to lose? If anyone was to have the answers to why this marriage wasn't working, he should and if he didn't, this marriage was over.During our meeting with the pastor, God spoke to my heart to trust Him and if I was willing to do that, He would do the rest. I have to be honest I was scared, in my mind the big "what ifs" were floating around. Let's face it; I hadn't trusted Him up to this point in my life, why such I start now?

If you were to look at my history, you would see that I had one failed marriage, another one about to fail, a son who was acting out his anger, alcohol, drugs, adultery and oh, don't forget the secret...my abortion.
Could it be... I’ve never trusted Him?


Saturday, January 10, 2009

Choose Life!

You will live by your sword, and you will serve your

But when you decide to break free, you will shake his yoke
from your neck. (Genesis 27:40)

Esau‘s father could hear the bitterness, the anger and even hatred that had taken hold of his son’s life.

Like must parents, who are concerned with their children's future, Isaac was warning him of the danger to such emotions. Esau's life would become a prison, if he was to hold on to the unforgiveness that was rooted in his heart.

Someday, Esau would have to “decide” if he was going to break free from the yoke that was placed around his neck because of the unforgiveness towards his brother, Jacob.

One thing keeps coming up through studying God’s Word and that is “it’s our choice.” It’s our choice to live a life of fullness in the Presence of God or to hide in the darkness of the enemy.

What is your choice?

I choose Life!


Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Tuesday Testimony- January 6, 2009

Life is one of the most precious gifts given to man. So, on January 18th we will be reminded of that wonderful gift... the Sanctity of Human Life. On that day, I can now sit in the pew with no more feelings of shame and guilt; for God has restored me with peace because I no longer hide in my sin.
For years I lived under satan's thumb and gave him the victory over my life. But no more will I be silent! We may never see abortions come to an end in this country but I know that God can use my story(His story) to help others find forgiveness and live a life of freedom.

So,I've decided to join in on sharing my testimony over at Tracy's Transparent Life. Many of you have read my story(God's Story) but for those of you that might be new, please read without judgment or condemnation.

About a two years ago, I was asked to be the program coordinator for the abortion recovery at our local CPC. Now, if you had told me that was where God would have me serving, I would have told you point blank, "you’re crazy." I never thought I would ever be helping other women in revealing their "secret sin." I know what it’s like going through life thinking you can live with this secret... he would have been 20 in July.

I can still remember the day I walked into the abortion clinic, asking God to forgive me, but believing that this was the only answer. No, I wasn't a desperate teenager with my whole life ahead of me, not a college student, not even a single mom or a married woman who had an affair. I was married and it was my husband’s baby, but the timing wasn't right for us and our marriage was rocky. I won't touch on every detail that happened inside that clinic, but when I walked out, my life was different. At the time, I couldn't put my finger on it. I just knew that I had left a piece of me behind.

For the next 10 years, life was a blur and I had unexplainable feelings of anger. It didn't make sense, though; I was a Christian who was somewhat involved in the church. I was still married, and about two years after the abortion we had a beautiful little girl.

After Sydney was born I told myself, "I'm going to be the best Mom in the world" and for awhile I was. But then something happened along the way. There were days that I couldn't get enough of Sydney and other days,I didn't even want to hold her. I became more and more withdrawn. Then there was this voice, in my head, reminding me of that dark November day back in 1989. Over and over again,it would say "You killed your other child and then you went and had another one, you fool."

"Kill" is such a strong word and to hear it just made me feel that I could never be the Mom that my daughter needed. What I didn't know back then, is that the enemy will do or say anything to make us feel ashamed and worthless.My life was sinking into the depths of despair, but I continued to pray, hoping to get some answers to my questions. Questions like... "Why can't I be like the other mothers? Why does she seem to hate me? What am I doing wrong? Why can't I get close to her?"

My heart was breaking. All I really wanted was to love my own daughter.

(I will continue with my testimony next Tuesday)


Saturday, January 3, 2009

Rooted Deep

Psalm 37:7 Be still in the presence of the
and wait patiently for him to act. (NLT)

My sweet friend, Lisa asked "What is your ancohor verse for 2009?" What a great question, which was asked by her friend, Elaine.

So, I've asked the Lord for my anchor verse. Now, I have never done this before, I mean, to have one verse that I would meditate on for this entire year, it’s new to me. But sure enough…ask and you shall receive.

Yesterday as I was visiting my local Christian bookstore, I went over to the area were all the pictures are displayed, which I very seldom do. I began to read the verses that were under each of the pictures and I noticed there was one verse in particular that stood out…Psalm 37:7.

As my eyes continued to scan the pictures, I saw this same verse three more times and that when I knew this was my anchor verse. I remembered several months ago, coming across this same verse and like a good bible student; I meditated on it for a short time and then moved on.

But yesterday, God made it clear to me that this verse was to take root in my heart and I was to wait eagerly for an answer.

That's when I started thinking, was my time with the Lord becoming like the pharaohs? Was I,like them reading the scriptures,quoting the scriptures,and even acting out the scriptures... but to believe the scriptures?

Yes, the pharaohs knew the Word but the Word hadn’t taken root in their hearts.

Was I being lured away from God’s promises? Was I looking at the circumstances, instead of believing in the promises?

Father God,
I must confess that I’ve desired to take a hold of situations that are out of my control. My life in these last few months has appeared to be “all together.” An attitude of “I know God is in control” but my heart has a mind-set of unbelief.

God, forgive me.

Lord, I want your Word to deeply root itself in my heart. To know when days of doubt come…to be still and know you are God! Amen


Thursday, January 1, 2009

God, Thank you!

I felt it, as it embraced me. I saw it, as it looked into my eyes. I heard it, as it spoke these words with a tight hug…"Mom, I love you so much."

Last night as my daughter and I were standing in the bathroom, doing what girls do before bedtime…forgiveness showed up. It was quite unexpected. But that’s just how our Father God is; He’s always giving us sweet little surprises,touches of joy to remind us of His goodness.

Many of you, who have read my story (God’s Story) of the secret sin that I carried, know the struggles I had in my relationship with Sydney. There were many nights during that season of my life that I would cry out to God for understanding and forgiveness.

I was so ashamed of the words that were spoken from my mouth towards her. Many times she would grab my hand, as little girls do, only to feel her mommy’s hand pulling back with angry words that followed. Thoughts would race through my head of ways I could escape from these emotions that I knew weren’t pleasing to God.

But God is faithful in His Word. He tells us many times, that if we seek His face and confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us. Throughout this dark time, I never stopped seeking God, I just didn’t believe.

To believe, would reveal He had forgiven me of the choice I made on November 12, 1989, the choice to have an abortion. To believe would mean that He wanted me to enjoy this gift I was given, my daughter.
It was when I no longer stood in front of my Father with a rebellious heart that I came to understand. Our hands can be clean, as we reach towards His throne and our words can be sweet as we give honor to our Creator, but if our hearts are rebellious in receiving God’s forgiveness…all hope is lost.

So, last night was a gentle kiss from my Father God to show me of the hope that I once couldn’t see and it was now embracing me…my daughter’s forgiveness.

Psalm 32:1-2

Oh, what joy for
those whose disobedience is forgiven,

whose sin is put out of

Yes, what joy for those whose record
the Lord has cleared of

whose lives are lived in complete