Who's in Control?

This quote from Let. It. Go. by Karen Ehman got my attention... "Whether your life contains life-altering crises, out-of-control circumstances, or relatively normal bumps and blips, you must nestle yourself neatly and surrendered into the spot God has reserved for you in it all."

 

If I was going to make it to the other side of this mess, I had to trust in God.

What was meant to be a promising business started to go in a way that I felt wouldn't honor God. I knew standing my ground could mean losing a dear friend and likely put distance between me and my husband. During this time I cried out to God, asking Him to change my heart if I just wanting to be in control. Was it me who was the "stick in the mud?"

My heart was telling me that God would take care of  it, that He was in control of the situation...right? I knew He saw the real motive in each of our hearts, yet my head was telling me something totally different and I was getting VERY impatience. My marriage was falling apart, a marriage that had survived 25 years of dark valleys and a friendship I treasured was now unraveling.

Oh, ladies, believe me when I say the voice was getting stronger with each passing day that unless I did something...nothing was going to change! I thought about leaving, giving up, walking out on this marriage. Why not?  No one who was involved in this business cared how it was affecting me or the marriage and I'll let you in on a little secret...the voice even suggested to me to end my own life...."NOW that would show them who's in control!" it whispered. I know what you thinking. How could I have gone there? Well, my life felt out of control, I felt alone and God seemed so distinct.

But He was there, I was just staring at the mountain instead of lifting my eyes to the Throne. Once I released the situation, placed it in His hands and rested in His promises the gates of Heaven opened up and I felt at peace.

It did took longer then I had hoped for the business to dissolves but it did.

I am in a new season now, yet I've lost two friends and a marriage that is still on the road to healing. But, I learned that God knew were I was, how I was feeling and collected every tear I cried in a bottle, whispering..."Trust Me, I got this one."  

But I am trusting you, O Lord,
saying, “You are my God!”  (Psalm 31:14 NLT)

 

His Plan!

“Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.”    (Proverbs 19:21 NIV)

This wasn't a unfamiliar place to me, but this time it was different. The stage was simple, there was no elaborate backdrop. The music playing was filled with words of praise. The hands of the audience were lifted high in full surrender to the All Mighty God.

 
I too, had my palms facing toward heaven with thanksgiving, for the new life that He had given me. A life with no more shame. A life where now I was helping other women, just like me, find healing from the secret of abortion.

 
Standing there praising Him, I knew I was right where I belong, in the audience and not on the stage.

 
You see, during my adolescent years, I would perform my dance routines on this very stage. Twirling and moving around in a beautiful costume. Waiting to hear the thunder of applause fill the air and when the final curtain call came I would then take my bow. I would soak in sounds of praise for my great works and as the spotlight bounced off my face, my heart would begin to fill with a desire to carry out my plans for the future...to want more of me.

 
The day finally came...there I stood behind that same curtain waiting to make my grand entrance, not as a dance student, but as Miss Tammy, the dance teacher. I longed to hear the crowd's approval. How I longed be exalted. I was beginning to arrange the colorful cobblestones on the path I had chosen.

 
Years have gone by since then and my plans have changed. Today, they are plans directed by God. So, there I stood with over 500 women from around the State of New York, who had traveled to our yearly Assemblies of God Conference.

 
It was on that day, God spoke these words to me: You are now exalting Me and no longer exalting yourself. And I believe... He said with a smile.

 

 

 

I was warned...

I heard about you. The way you connect with people. Introducing us to friends around the world. I was warned not to fall for your promises. Promises of casual meetings and that you wouldn't demand too much attention.

 Lies! They were all lies! I've been put under your spell, each day more consumed by you...Mr. Facebook!

 

Yep! I have fallen and I don't know how to get up...until now!

 

I'm finding the strength to put boundaries around our relationship with the help of Karen Ehman, author of Let. IT. GO. She has dealt with tangents, like you, in the past and she's walking with me through this journey of... Let. It. Go.

 

So, here's my plan. I will only visit you three times a day and yes, there will be a time limit, but I haven't decided on those limits...yet. (working on that one...ladyfriends.)  I know what your thinking, its not going to work, well, Karen says..." Give yourself time. Look for progress, not perfection."

 

Father God, I want You to consume me with Your plans for the day. For my life.

 

not mine but God's story...

A few weeks ago, I performed a monologue for our dessert night at Life Choices Center were I volunteer. This is my story about the abortion that I had over 20 years ago and how God sought after me.

On The Radio...

Oh, its been a long time...again, since I've put my fingers to this key pad. I have a lot of things floating around in this mind of mine but I can't seem to reconnect to the web world. I still read many of my blogging friends thoughts, but never leave a comment. Can I still call you my "blogging friend?"

I've been busy with our abortion recovery ministry at the local CPC and God has been opening doors for me to share my story (God's Story), plus sharing His Word in other areas of my life. Oh, and our daughter,Sydney is planning her wedding for May 2013. Now that a whole blogging session in it self.

Which leads me to inviting you to listen in on a live interview over a CWA radio tomorrow, Thursday, February 23 at 11:00am. A dear friend of mine, Lisa Shaw, is hosting her own radio show 'The Whole Woman' and has asked me to share how God sustained me during and after my mother's tragic death.

So meet with us tomorrow at 11:00am! ( click on the link above).

No promises, but I'll try to be better at getting back to sharing 'not mine but God's Story.

Sanctitiy of Human Life...will your pastor be talking

Every week I have the opportunity to meet with women who might be facing an unplanned pregnancy. Let me be honest, it isn’t easy sitting across from a young lady who has already voiced that if she is pregnant, she will be getting an abortion. It seems to be an easy solution in a moment of uncertainty, not realize the destruction that will take place. As I sit across from her, this one thought keeps coming to me; if I can only connect with her then maybe she’ll change her mind. She doesn’t know that I’m praying, asking God to give me an opening so that I can share my story (God’s Story) with her.



As I think back on the day that I went to the clinic, the only life I saw was my own. I wanted to live. I had things to do, and people to see, just like her. My career has a dance teacher was growing and I wasn’t about to let anyone or anything get in my way. It was my life I wanted to save. It sounds pretty callous, but it always is when we look at ourselves. The abortion, I was told, promised to give me freedom but instead it held me captive. The nurse called it a procedure, as if I were having a mole removed.


We both sat there, making small talk, as she was waiting for the results. Within minutes the answer was clear. The test showed two lines, the test was positive. The room filled with a sort of awkwardness, as we both stared at the lines. That’s when I felt the familiar lump in my throat, and asks “How are you feeling?” The minute that rolled off my tongue I thought, “How are you feeling? You know exactly how she’s feeling. She is scared, confused and she has to make a decision on which life to save.”


Which life to save…. in the last 38 years every child that’s been born is a survivor. Every child that we see on the playground, in the mall or holding hands with a parent has been giving the opportunity to experience life. I know for some of you, abortion never crossed your mind but the fact is 50,000,000 babies have lost their lives to this question “Which life do I save?”


On January 22, we have an opportunity to speak out for the Sanctity of Human Life. I believe God wants us to speak the truth. The truth can be spoken with compassion and conviction. Jesus did, with the woman at the well. On Sunday, some churches will do all they can to bring awareness of how abortion has and is affecting us, while others will skim the surface hoping not to bring to much attention to a very controversial issue and I’m sad to say, there will even be churches that won’t mention “it” at all.

Adoption...are you kidding?

A blank look appears on her face as her eyes focus on the two lines of her test, indicating that she’s pregnant. This wasn’t part of her life’s plan, well aleast not for today. She looked at me as if to say…what am I going to do? We talked about her options and that’s when I mention adoption.


She quickly responded …"No. I wouldn't do an adoption thing. If I'm going to carry this baby for 9 months, I'm not going to give it up! I don't want to have an abortion but I can’t have a baby, right now."

Baffling, isn't it? Yet, these words are proclaimed most of the time and I’m grateful, because it then opens a door for me to reply... "You're looking at someone whose birth mother decided to do the adoption thing and I’m grateful she let me live.”


My mother was just shy of 16 when she delivered me at our local hospital. She was alone and scared. She has told me many times that the young man, who was my dad, really loved her and wanted me; her parents, however, had forbidden him to have any contact with her. She also said that during her stay at the hospital, she heard him out in the hallway yelling “I want to see my baby girl. You can’t do this to me. She’s my daughter!” That was the last thing he said before he was escorted out of the hospital by the police officers.


Within a year of my birth, she met her future husband and became pregnant with my sister. The marriage didn’t last long. Like so many women, there she was… a single mother doing the best she knew how.


But reality finally set in when I was about 2 years old and my sister was 6 months. She knew love wouldn’t feed us, put clothes on our backs or a roof over our heads. She had to do something, so she agreed to place us in the welfare of a couple. A couple who promised to raise us as their own and they did!

I’ve never doubted her love or questioned how someone could do such a thing, my thought as always been…how could you not?

Of course, it was a hard decision for her to make, we’ve talked about it many times in person and over the phone. She frequently tells me… “It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done but I wanted what was best for you, girls. I knew I couldn’t give you all the things you and your sister would need.” Everytime I hear those words, I tell her how thankful I am that she thought of us and I silently wispher "Thank you, LORD."

Sharing my story, doesn’t make anyone eager to sign on the dotted line for the adoption plan but my pray is… maybe one day some young lady will see the child’s life and not her own.