Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Tuesday Testimony

Today is Transparent Tuesday over at Tracy’s Transparent Life, where telling your testimony could help change someone’s life. I’m sure God has done something amazing in your life, so won’t you come and join us?
Many of you have read my story (God's Story) but for those of you that might be new, please read without judgment or condemnation. To get the whole story start here: January 6.

To look at Sydney, you would have seen a healthy little girl who always had a smile on her face. How could you not love her? That question was constantly in my head and on heart.

I will never forget the Friday morning on my way to work when Focus on the Family was playing an audio tape of the story “Tilly” by Frank Perretti. It’s a very touching story of a mother who made the same decision as I had. But after 9 years of running from her secret, it was time for her to be made well. I remember pulling in to the parking lot at my place of work, sobbing as I listened to the end of the story. Could my story have the same beautiful ending as hers?

On Sunday morning as I walked into church I was greeted by a woman who handed me a flyer. It was an invitation to join a bible study called Forgiven and Set Free by Linda Cochrane, which helps women deal with their past abortion(s). After reading what I had just been handed, I tried to rationalize my reason for the abortion and why this class wasn’t for me. But throughout the entire service, God wouldn’t leave me alone. As I left sanctuary at the end of the service, I found myself slowly walking toward the table where I would find the sign-up sheet for the bible study. I remember staring at it and thinking, “but everyone will see my name.” I then, picked up the pen to begin my journey.

The study took about 12 weeks and at the end I did feel better. My relationships were being mended and I started to feel closer to my daughter.But I still had that "secret sin" hidden in my heart. I had told my best friend the truth but everyone else thought I had a miscarriage. Day by day things started getting tougher again. The hate and anger started to seep back into my heart and I didn't know why. I tried so hard to love my daughter, but I couldn’t. It’s hard for some people to understand, how anyone could feel that way? How could someone who calls themselves a "Christian" hold on to so much anger and say awful things about their own child.
Believe me, I didn't understand but I so desperately wanted too.

It had been about two years since my bible study when my life started spinning out of control. It was then my husband and I decided to give our marriage one last chance to live out the forever after statement. We had previously been to about 4 or 5 worldly counselors and they were just as mixed-up as we were.

So, when someone suggested that we ought to meet with their pastor, we agreed. We figured, what would we have to lose? If anyone was to have the answers to why this marriage wasn't working, he should and if he didn't, this marriage was over.During our meeting with the pastor, God spoke to my heart to trust Him and if I was willing to do that, He would do the rest. I have to be honest I was scared, in my mind the big "what ifs" were floating around. Let's face it; I hadn't trusted Him up to this point in my life, why such I start now?

If you were to look at my history, you would see that I had one failed marriage, another one about to fail, a son who was acting out his anger, alcohol, drugs, adultery and oh, don't forget the secret...my abortion.
Could it be... I’ve never trusted Him?



R.L.Scovens said...

Your story is powerful. More of us should be brave enough to tell our stories so that it can benefit others. Someone needs to hear it.

Tracy said...

Thank you for sharing... I know the feelings that you speak about.. It can be hard..

I did Forgiven and Set Free, through a ministry called Tears of Life.. I think I may have said that in my last comment..

Thank you for being brave and opening up..


Sandi@ My Yellow Door said...

Hi Tammy,
I just found your blog; I really like the name of it! It is His story, isn't it? How wonderful to be His and to be able to run to Him with all our baggage. I pray you will find peace and contentment in knowing He truly does care for you. Have a wonderful day!


Edie said...

You have a very powerful testimony here Tammy. I so admire your transparency too. These are not things that are easy to admit to, I know. But I love how REAL you are. We all have *hidden secrets* that eat us up from the inside out. Some secrets are bigger than others but these are the things that He says in His Word, "what is kept hidden will be revealed, and what is revealed will be covered." (paraphrased).

You are covered not only by His Love, but also by those of us who love you and can see ourselves somewhere in your story.

Paula (SweetPea) said...

You have such a beautiful and powerful testimony, Tammy. Truly indeed, you do. Just awe inspiring how He's transformed your life.

Laura said...

I love how He never stopped pursuing you for healing, Tammy. What a journey...

And how you bless so many now by sharing it.

He is using you, dear one.


Jennifer said...

Thank you for sharing your story. God has BIG plans for you. Thank you for being REAL!!!

Blessings to you!


Sharon said...

Wow! What a testimony. God is so good. I am so thankful that He is so loving and forgiving. Thanks for sharing your story. You're very brave.

Hugs, Sharon

LisaShaw said...

My dearest Tammy,

You know that I continue to be deeply moved and penetrated by your words, your heart, your testiomy. May God use it to bring DELIVERANCE, FORGIVENESS, HEALING AND WHOLENESS TO ALL IN JESUS NAME!

Love you.

Anonymous said...

You are a couragous woman. Cleaning out the closet-throwing out the secret stuff into the open-really helps heal...I admire you for your honesty and for wanting to turn this back over to God and use it for his gain and glory!

Jody said...

Grace greater than all our sin. I just did a post about the woman who had a "reputation" who wet Jesus' feet with her tears wiping them with her hair. Jesus' blood was for all our sins. Thank you for sharing.

Alene said...

You are so real girl! That's why I love you. May I learn to trust - truly trust! I'm loving your new look and everything you have going on. God is going to do great things through you. Blessings & Prayers

Carol said...


I love the way you openly share your story, and the way you write it.

You continue to be an inspiration for me.


Shanita Waters said...

Thank God for his grace! I really enjy your honsesty and sincere devotion to helping others overcome by the words of your testimony. May God continue to bless you, use you and keep you.

elaine @ peace for the journey said...

God has transformed my heart and life in a way I never thought possible. Divorce is in my background, and with it, comes a lot of baggage. After nearly 15 years, I've finally broken free of the shame and regret and self-imposed condemnation that I thought was mine to carry for a lifetime.

Such a long process, but such a worthy growing.

Thank God for his grace and freedom.


JMBMOMMY said...

I so agree with Rachel--It has been a hard, long journey but I have finally come to a place where my story doesn't scare me or shame me...but yet I am proud of it because I know God wrote it--and with that comes freedom to minister to others with it. Blessings today. Can't wait until I have more time to come read the whole story.

Great-Granny Grandma said...

I just popped over here from Rachel's blog because I loved the name. And now I'm loving your blog too and know I will be back to read some more. You have an awesome testimony.

Toia said...

Thanks so much for sharing!! I love your honesty. It's so amazing how God can turn our messes into messages. You truly are a living testimony. Many will be bless by it.

Blessings to you!!

mom interceding said...

Tammy, thank you so much for your encouraging words and prayers you left at my place. I am so amazed at the Christian love I feel from my bloggy friends. Reading your posts always blesses and inspires me.
Love, Carolyn

JMBMOMMY said...

I just ordered this book--got it in yesterday...I am looking forward to reading it.