Tuesday Testimony

Today is Transparent Tuesday over at Tracy’s Transparent Life, where telling your testimony could help change someone’s life. I’m sure God has done something amazing in your life, so won’t you come and join us?

Many of you have read my story (God's Story) but for those of you that might be new, please read without judgment or condemnation. To get the whole story start here: January 6.

To look at Sydney, you would have seen a healthy little girl who always had a smile on her face. How could you not love her? That question was constantly in my head and on heart.

I will never forget the Friday morning on my way to work when Focus on the Family was playing an audio tape of the story “Tilly” by Frank Perretti. It’s a very touching story of a mother who made the same decision as I had. But after 9 years of running from her secret, it was time for her to be made well. I remember pulling in to the parking lot at my place of work, sobbing as I listened to the end of the story. Could my story have the same beautiful ending as hers?

On Sunday morning as I walked into church I was greeted by a woman who handed me a flyer. It was an invitation to join a bible study called Forgiven and Set Free by Linda Cochrane, which helps women deal with their past abortion(s). After reading what I had just been handed, I tried to rationalize my reason for the abortion and why this class wasn’t for me. But throughout the entire service, God wouldn’t leave me alone. As I left sanctuary at the end of the service, I found myself slowly walking toward the table where I would find the sign-up sheet for the bible study. I remember staring at it and thinking, “but everyone will see my name.” I then, picked up the pen to begin my journey.

The study took about 12 weeks and at the end I did feel better. My relationships were being mended and I started to feel closer to my daughter.But I still had that "secret sin" hidden in my heart. I had told my best friend the truth but everyone else thought I had a miscarriage. Day by day things started getting tougher again. The hate and anger started to seep back into my heart and I didn't know why. I tried so hard to love my daughter, but I couldn’t. It’s hard for some people to understand, how anyone could feel that way? How could someone who calls themselves a "Christian" hold on to so much anger and say awful things about their own child. Believe me, I didn't understand but I so desperately wanted too.

It had been about two years since my bible study when my life started spinning out of control. It was then my husband and I decided to give our marriage one last chance to live out the forever after statement. We had previously been to about 4 or 5 worldly counselors and they were just as mixed-up as we were.

So, when someone suggested that we ought to meet with their pastor, we agreed. We figured, what would we have to lose? If anyone was to have the answers to why this marriage wasn't working, he should and if he didn't, this marriage was over.During our meeting with the pastor, God spoke to my heart to trust Him and if I was willing to do that, He would do the rest. I have to be honest I was scared, in my mind the big "what ifs" were floating around. Let's face it; I hadn't trusted Him up to this point in my life, why such I start now?

If you were to look at my history, you would see that I had one failed marriage, another one about to fail, a son who was acting out his anger, alcohol, drugs, adultery and oh, don't forget the secret...my abortion.

Could it be... I’ve never trusted Him?