Friday, June 20, 2008

A dark moment

To follow this story start with post: My Secret Sin

I thought I had dealt with my abortion. I had gone through all the steps of the Forgive and Set Free bible study. Week after week I turned pages that revealed truth to me. But still there was my actions and words of anger that was directed towards my daughter.

Every once and a while there would be times when we would talk for hours about God, school, girlfriends and even boys. She would share with me her everyday struggles, her dreams and fears. On those special days love would fill the air and I would say to myself "today I will be the mommy she needs for the rest of her life." It was those moments that made the rest of our relationship so confusing. Confusing? Because in my heart I felt hatred, please forgive me for using such a strong word and for what I'm about to share with you but I need to be totally honest.

It was a September morning and my daughter who like must teenage girls was having a "moment." It always seemed that our mornings would end in a argument because of one thing or another. But this day turned out to be one of my darkest moments. Our arguing had ended in a shouting match. We said some awful things to one another and I was determined to break her. I remember watching her as she stepped up into the bus with her eyes looking at the floor and tears rolling down her face. As soon as the bus pulled away, this feeling of victory came over me. I said to myself "I'm glad she's hurting." I had put her in her place. It was those places were I wouldn't be able to hold her, to love her and in time a place were she would forget that I was ever her mother.

Walking back to the car feelings of guilt, shame and condemnation came over me. I slipped behind the wheel and in my head I heard "shame on you." I began to cry uncontrollably. I started to drive back home as depression tried to over come me. I had been there before, I knew what it felt like to be depressed . "Oh God, please help me I don't want to go back there again."As I was trying to catch my next breath, I was sure that this time God wouldn't hear my cry.

The phone started to ring as I opened the front door. When I answered it my friend, Dorothy was on the other end, she said "God had pressed on her heart to give me a call." I know now that God heard my cry. Here I was someone who was so undeserving yet God continued to love and woo me. That day I spent reading God's Word. I was searching for answers to my feelings of hatred, my cry to God was "Help me understand, I don't like who I have become." My daughter was a gift from God and being her mom meant that loving her was to come natural...but I didn't know how.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

I had to deal with it...

To follow this post start with: My Secret Sin 5/8/08

Trusting God is not easy for us humans especially when we think we have all the answers. So, why would I trust Him now,maybe because my life wasn't going so well?

I was tired of being against my husband instead of being for him. I hated the depression that hang over me all the time. I became exhausted wandering into the night life looking for love in all the wrong places. I so desperately wanted to be that "mommy" who sat on the park bench
enjoying the laughter of her little girl. Yes, I was ready to give in to "Trusting God."

It started out slow. First it was submitting to His will and not mine, to love my husband the way God loved him, unconditionally. It wasn't easy but that's where trusting God comes in to show us that the impossible is possible. Little by little things began to change. My mind was being renewed and my life was transforming. I was now starting to live the life that He had planned for me, the plan that He had set in place before my very first breath. But I still had one small corner of my heart that I didn't want anyone to see, not even God. I feared judgment. In my mind I believed that if I kept my "choice" at a distance and hidden I would avoid judgment. Yes, I did ask God (many times) to forgive me. But notice I said "many times" I myself didn't believe that He would, I hadn't yet fully trusted in His Word.

Years have gone by since God whispered to me to trust Him. Many of my desires have faded and have been replaced with His desires. God has given me opportunities to share my story on how He healed my marriage, to teach bible studies and to share with others the joy that we can receive by submitting to His will. To most people my life seemed pretty perfect except for that little dark area in my heart. Remember?

About 2 years ago God led me to volunteer at CPC(which I mentioned in a earlier post) where I first answered phones and was a mentor to pregnant women. About a year later I was offered and took the position to be Program Coordinator for the abortion recovery. I was very passionate about this subject and I thought...I had dealt with it.