To follow this post start with: My Secret Sin 5/8/08
Trusting God is not easy for us humans especially when we think we have all the answers. So, why would I trust Him now,maybe because my life wasn't going so well?
I was tired of being against my husband instead of being for him. I hated the depression that hang over me all the time. I became exhausted wandering into the night life looking for love in all the wrong places. I so desperately wanted to be that "mommy" who sat on the park bench
enjoying the laughter of her little girl. Yes, I was ready to give in to "Trusting God."
It started out slow. First it was submitting to His will and not mine, to love my husband the way God loved him, unconditionally. It wasn't easy but that's where trusting God comes in to show us that the impossible is possible. Little by little things began to change. My mind was being renewed and my life was transforming. I was now starting to live the life that He had planned for me, the plan that He had set in place before my very first breath. But I still had one small corner of my heart that I didn't want anyone to see, not even God. I feared judgment. In my mind I believed that if I kept my "choice" at a distance and hidden I would avoid judgment. Yes, I did ask God (many times) to forgive me. But notice I said "many times" I myself didn't believe that He would, I hadn't yet fully trusted in His Word.
Years have gone by since God whispered to me to trust Him. Many of my desires have faded and have been replaced with His desires. God has given me opportunities to share my story on how He healed my marriage, to teach bible studies and to share with others the joy that we can receive by submitting to His will. To most people my life seemed pretty perfect except for that little dark area in my heart. Remember?
About 2 years ago God led me to volunteer at CPC(which I mentioned in a earlier post) where I first answered phones and was a mentor to pregnant women. About a year later I was offered and took the position to be Program Coordinator for the abortion recovery. I was very passionate about this subject and I thought...I had dealt with it.