Friday, June 20, 2008

A dark moment

To follow this story start with post: My Secret Sin

I thought I had dealt with my abortion. I had gone through all the steps of the Forgive and Set Free bible study. Week after week I turned pages that revealed truth to me. But still there was my actions and words of anger that was directed towards my daughter.

Every once and a while there would be times when we would talk for hours about God, school, girlfriends and even boys. She would share with me her everyday struggles, her dreams and fears. On those special days love would fill the air and I would say to myself "today I will be the mommy she needs for the rest of her life." It was those moments that made the rest of our relationship so confusing. Confusing? Because in my heart I felt hatred, please forgive me for using such a strong word and for what I'm about to share with you but I need to be totally honest.

It was a September morning and my daughter who like must teenage girls was having a "moment." It always seemed that our mornings would end in a argument because of one thing or another. But this day turned out to be one of my darkest moments. Our arguing had ended in a shouting match. We said some awful things to one another and I was determined to break her. I remember watching her as she stepped up into the bus with her eyes looking at the floor and tears rolling down her face. As soon as the bus pulled away, this feeling of victory came over me. I said to myself "I'm glad she's hurting." I had put her in her place. It was those places were I wouldn't be able to hold her, to love her and in time a place were she would forget that I was ever her mother.

Walking back to the car feelings of guilt, shame and condemnation came over me. I slipped behind the wheel and in my head I heard "shame on you." I began to cry uncontrollably. I started to drive back home as depression tried to over come me. I had been there before, I knew what it felt like to be depressed . "Oh God, please help me I don't want to go back there again."As I was trying to catch my next breath, I was sure that this time God wouldn't hear my cry.

The phone started to ring as I opened the front door. When I answered it my friend, Dorothy was on the other end, she said "God had pressed on her heart to give me a call." I know now that God heard my cry. Here I was someone who was so undeserving yet God continued to love and woo me. That day I spent reading God's Word. I was searching for answers to my feelings of hatred, my cry to God was "Help me understand, I don't like who I have become." My daughter was a gift from God and being her mom meant that loving her was to come natural...but I didn't know how.


Dawn Ward said...

Please keep sharing, Tammy. You are very brave to be so real and transparent, but that is exactly what we all need more of. Thank you.

Love and Blessings,

Jan Parrish said...

Oh, Tammy, I'm crying right now. I just want to take you in my arms and pray with you, and yet I know this is not the end.