Thursday, January 1, 2009
I felt it, as it embraced me. I saw it, as it looked into my eyes. I heard it, as it spoke these words with a tight hug…"Mom, I love you so much."
Last night as my daughter and I were standing in the bathroom, doing what girls do before bedtime…forgiveness showed up. It was quite unexpected. But that’s just how our Father God is; He’s always giving us sweet little surprises,touches of joy to remind us of His goodness.
Many of you, who have read my story (God’s Story) of the secret sin that I carried, know the struggles I had in my relationship with Sydney. There were many nights during that season of my life that I would cry out to God for understanding and forgiveness.
I was so ashamed of the words that were spoken from my mouth towards her. Many times she would grab my hand, as little girls do, only to feel her mommy’s hand pulling back with angry words that followed. Thoughts would race through my head of ways I could escape from these emotions that I knew weren’t pleasing to God.
But God is faithful in His Word. He tells us many times, that if we seek His face and confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us. Throughout this dark time, I never stopped seeking God, I just didn’t believe.
To believe, would reveal He had forgiven me of the choice I made on November 12, 1989, the choice to have an abortion. To believe would mean that He wanted me to enjoy this gift I was given, my daughter.
It was when I no longer stood in front of my Father with a rebellious heart that I came to understand. Our hands can be clean, as we reach towards His throne and our words can be sweet as we give honor to our Creator, but if our hearts are rebellious in receiving God’s forgiveness…all hope is lost.
So, last night was a gentle kiss from my Father God to show me of the hope that I once couldn’t see and it was now embracing me…my daughter’s forgiveness.