The Real Me

Truth led her to the Water…

“If you want to know the truth, go ask Tammy.” Yep, that’s what Mom would say because she knew I didn’t beat around the bush. It’s how God made me. Maybe that’s why it’s easy for me to speak truth into the lives of those who are hurting and struggling with life. To bring freedom from the grip of Satan’s lies.

 As we’ve learned in Chapter 8 of A Confident Heart by Renee Swope, God gives us different characteristics and spiritual gifts to make up the body of Christ. I’ve taken the test and here are the results: Choleric/ Sanguine   Spiritual gifts: Prophecy, Teaching and Exhortation.

If you have a few more minutes, I’d like to share a story of what happened when I allowed God to use…The Real Me

Sitting across from me in the Spring of 2011, I could see she was unsure about sharing her story (maybe for the first time) the reasons why she chose to abort the child within her. But she really didn’t need to mummer a word, her body language said it all… Shame. Angry. Guilt. Along with an emptiness that had taken residence in her heart.  The voice struggled to cry out. It wanted to take back all she had done but the past was now to be her future.

As her story started to unfold, her body began to relax and there in her eyes I saw a glimmer of hope... God was with us. She told me she had grown up religious but it wasn’t apart of her life today. Yet, she was willing to let me come along side of her to help with this pain that she was experiencing. A pain the world told her wouldn’t exist if she was to have this “procedure.”

 I knew this wasn’t going to be easy. Why? Well, it never is when you have to speak truth into  someone’s life who is blinded by darkness. Darkness has a clever way of making us think we are deserving of wants. It convinces us that life is all about us. I guess you could say its real name is…Pride.  Yes, pride, I knew it all to well. It had destroyed a life within me many years ago and it continued to steal the relationships around me for years to come. So, I knew where she was coming from, where she was and where she was going.

Our relationship grew as the weeks passed through this journey of healing and restoration. We shared, we laughed, we cried, yet I knew she wouldn’t be able to live in the present, until she trusted God. Believed in His Truth. I had asked her several times if she wanted to receive the gift of salvation and each time she would declined the wall grew a little stronger. Then on our fifth meeting the LORD whispered to me “ Tammy, lay out the truth boldly and I’ll do the rest.”   

Yep, you guessed it! She declined and went home. I thought did I hear God or was it my own hopeful desire to lead her to the living water. It wasn’t until our next meeting, she told me she’d been having a hard time swallowing some of the truth that was said to her, but she decided to seek God during the week and she found Him!

Its been two years since the day of her salvation, when Truth spoke into her life and believe me, she is on fire for God!

One thing I try to do is stay connected with the women I’ve worked with either through Facebook, email or texting. Many times my heart has been blessed to see the growth they’ve made, so when Kim invited me to her baptism on November 17, 2013 my heart was filled with a sense of thankfulness. Without hesitation, she stood in front of the congregation and told her testimony. A testimony that many of us are still ashamed to utter a word but not her. By her revealing the “secret” (her daughter) Bella’s life would be validated and Kim’s baptism was now the finally statement to…I belong to Christ Jesus.

Oh, one last thing. As we were all singing and worshiping before the baptism, God spoke these words to my heart... “Tell Kim that her daughter didn’t die in vain.”  Now, I don’t get these orders from God very often but when I told Kim, her eyes filled with tears, and I believed, she knew what God meant.

 My friends…it was a bittersweet moment.

With All My Heart...

Here we are at the hop, Blog Hop with the Yes To God online bible study, our hostess…Melissa Taylor.

 And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength. (Deuteronomy 6:5 NLT)

That’s a pretty big command…don’t you think?

 

But I look at this way. If it was impossible then God wouldn’t ask it of us, right? We are told in Philippians 4:13 that we can do all things through Christ who strengths me. Maybe that’s why God spoke to my heart on Tuesday morning to stop being consumed with Facebook. He even gave me particulars like, for the next seven days I want you to step away from Facebook, however, you can check it twice a day so that you will stay connected with the Facebook group you are in.

 

I know some of you are thinking…really? While other are saying, oh girl, I’ve been there…keep going.

Well, Tuesday I passed with flying colors. It could have been that I was busy most of day with errands to run, mentoring a woman in the afternoon, the Connection Call with Melissa Taylor and let’s not forget preparing supper. As the day was winding down, I thought about how I had achieved this nudge from the LORD and without much of a struggle. I have to admit I was so pride of myself.

Oh, but yesterday was not so satisfying as my day came to a close. There I was standing worshiping God during our Wednesday night service when I heard Him say... “Not so good today?” In response, I said “What are You talking about?” I'm sure He was saying with a somewhat smile on His face… “I noticed that you checked your Facebook more then twice today and as you did you softly whispered… “Just to see if I have any messages, quick on and quick off” but you see Tammy, that wasn’t part of details.”

So, today, I focusing “again” on loving God with all of my strength. You may be asking…why not along with other two (mind and soul)? I’m realizing that my strength in of my self is the flesh and this (my) flesh will fail every time without being mindful of God's presence. I believe the desire in our hearts and souls to love the LORD is always there as daughters of the King and He sees that, but it’s the “doing” that cause us to stumble.

So, ladies. Repeat after me …I can do all things through Christ who strengthen me.

Lies Women Believe...

Teaching this chapter wasn’t easy, but I guess marriage can be a complicated subject when we all have our own opinions. Wait, that’s what makes it difficult… our opinions. Remember, we are talking about us, women, on this subject.

In the book Lies Women Believe and the Truth that Sets Them Free, the author has some ways of letting us know its God who created this thing called…marriage.

All quotes are in blue from the author Nancy Leigh DeMoss.

1.    I have to have a husband to be happy.

2.    It is my responsibility to change my mate.

3.    My husband is supposed to serve me.

4.    If I submit to my husband, I’ll be miserable.

5.    If my husband is passive, I’ve got to take the initiative, or nothing will get done.

6.    Sometimes divorce is a better option than staying in a bad marriage.

What took place in the Garden of Eden thousands of years ago was not only an attack on God and on two people, it was an attack on marriage. Marriage was designed by God to reflect His glory and his redemptive purpose. In undermining that sacred institution, Satan struck a forceful blow at God’s eternal plan.

When I got married at the age of 18, my first thought was that my life wouldn’t be complete without a man and my second thought, how hard can this be? I have learned that no man makes me complete. But it’s because of come to the understanding that I was created to glorify God that makes me content in my marriage.

Second thought…It is hard.

2. It Is My Responsibility To Change My Mate.

When a wife is preoccupied with trying to correct her husband’s faults and flaws, she is taking responsibility God never intended her to have, and she will likely end up frustrated and resentful toward her husband and perhaps even toward God. She may also limit God from doing what he wants to do in changing her husband.

It is God who wants full control over our husbands. Our constant “reminders” will shut down our husbands’ heart, even to the point of not being willing to hear God.  It’s our responsibility to respect our husbands even when we think they don’t deserve it.

3. My Husband is Suppose to Serve Me.

The Truth is that God did not make the man to be a “helper” to the woman. He made them to be a “helper” to the man.

Genesis 2:18 The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."

I like to use myself as an example but I know that my husband reads my blog from time to time (smile) so I think my mom would be a better fit.  Mom was not what you would call the “politically correct wife”. She loved being the helper and it showed. She would be right next to dad stacking wood for the winter or getting up at 3:30 in the morning to cook breakfast for the hunters, all fourteen of them, at deer season.
She even worked outside the home for a short while and never complained that dad didn’t help with supper. Fulfilling her role as the “helper” was honoring God. I didn’t know it at the time, but there was truth of who Jesus was by watching her.

4. If I Submit to My Husband, I’ll Be Miserable.

The struggle with submission is not unique to women of our day. In fact, that was the essence of the issue Eve faced back in the Garden of Eden. At the heart of the Serpent’s approach to Eve was this challenge: Does God have the right to rule your life? Satan said, in effect, “You can run your own life; you don’t have to submit to anyone else’s authority.”

This was and at times still is a BIG one for me!  It wasn’t long after my heart started to change towards my husband when a test came. My son, Ryan, from my first marriage, was applying for college and wanted me to co-sign on a loan. I had mentioned this to my husband and to my surprise he said “Absolutely not!” At that moment, the hair on the back of my neck stood up and I think I might have been showing some teeth, when I blurted out something like “Well, he’s my kid and I will if I want!” He responded “If you do, I will divorce you.” 

Let me interject here. There was so much more to that conversation, but to not take up your time, let me say this... Ryan was never very responsible and Dan, my husband, knew it.

Back to the story, so as it turned out I didn’t sign and I wasn’t happy about. Through a chain of events, Ryan got his loan but lacked about a thousand dollars to meet his tuition. A business woman in our area, who had witnessed the changes that were taking place in our marriage, offered me a gift of $1000.00. She said that God had laid this on her heart and wanted Ryan to have it.

When I look back, I know that God blessed me because of how I submitted (I know that word can be unsettling) to my husband's authority. It’s not easy and I admitted I don’t always say “Yes, dear.”

Oh, and the outcome of my son education wasn’t good; he ended up dropping out after just 3 months.

Convinced

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Last Wednesday was our first women’s bible class for the fall season. I, along with my friend Debbie, will have the privilege teaching from the book “Lies Women Believe and the Truth that Set Them Free” by Nancy Leigh DeMoss, I highly recommend this book. I hope to share with you in the weeks to come my thoughts that I will be presenting to the class.

Genesis 3:6 The woman was convinced. The fruit looked so fresh and delicious, and it would make her so wise! So she ate some of the fruit. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her. Then he ate it, too

As I was reading this verse,  this statement got my eye…The woman was convinced.

I was convinced that the grass was greener on the other side. That’s why my first marriage ended after 10 years and my second was spinning out of control until the Truth grabbed my heart. I was convinced that the night life would fulfill me rather then home life. Through all these feelings, and that is just what they are, feelings, I was convinced.

Instead of writing the rest of this message, I have attempted to video tape. Enjoy.

 
I'd like to thank my husband for putting together these videos, especially the blooper.
As you can see, he was quite amused with the "clearing my throat" which he added three times :(

Yes to God...Chapter 2

Welcome to another week to “Yes to God” bible study with Lelia as our host. I’m looking forward to seeing where God will take all of us as we read “An Untroubled Heart” by Micca Campbell.



Highlighted in blue is taken from the book


At the end of chapter two “the fear factor” there’s eight questions presented to build a strong foundation as we dig deeper into God’s Word. All of these questions really do get you thinker going, but for me, it was the simplest question that stood out.

“What fears do you have today?”

Well, let’s see. I fear the aging process. Without ever leaving upstate NY, I can have my very own tropical moment (menopause). Oh, I mustn’t forget the wrinkles, sagging skin, and one day having to wear those adult diapers (you’ve heard what happens when you cough) and will someday have my hair colored every four weeks instead of six because of the graying. I know what your thinking...“Come on Tammy, that’s so superficial, there’s got to be something more fearful then that.” “You’re right, there is, but I don’t like to talk about.”

When I talk about, or even think about what might happen I become fearful. In the last 16 years, I’ve worked hard to build this foundation. Reading the instructions and being so careful to follow every word. From the outside, everything appears to look good. But when I drop my daughter off at school, that’s when fear shows up. Right before my eyes, I see the enemy luring our youth into the world of pleasure. Every week, I meet with young ladies over at the Crisis Pregnancy Center and see the choices they are making. I see how television, magazines and music glamorize sex before marriage. The fear that my daughter will walk down the same road I did…scares me.

I need to stop right here and be honest. I’ve been sitting at my computer for the last hour typing and deleting. Typing and deleting because I’m afraid that I don’t have something clever or profound to say. English class never was one of my a favorite subject. The fear of being judged on my writing ability scares me. Since I’ve started writing on my blog, I've been blessed with new friends, who love the Lord like I do. During my weekly visit to all of your blogs, I’m blown a way as I read your thoughts. Your words flow so beautifully together.

I’m not sure why I’m telling you this but I do feel a lot better now.

I love all of you for taking the time to visit and when I make my rounds, know that I receive wisdom, knowledge and many blessings from reading your thoughts.

Yes to God...Chapter 1

This is the first week of “Yes to God” bible study with Lelia,our host. I’ve missed you guys in the last study and I’m looking forward to seeing where God will take us as we read “An Untroubled Heart” by Micca Campbell.

Highlighted in blue has been taken from the book.

The first chapter caught me off guard. As I started to read Micca’s story about the tragic death of her husband, it took me back to the day that my mom’s bathrobe caught on fire. She was making her morning tea when her sleeve touched the open flame on the stove. By the time she (at 88 years old) could put out the fire 90% of her body was covered with 3 degree burns. She went home to the Lord seven hours later in the hospital with her five daughters standing at her bedside singing "Amazing Grace."

Shortly after her death, I began to question my faith. I remember screaming at God “How could you let this happen to such a faithful servant of yours?” Soon after that tragic event I received my Proverbs 31 magazine, which I read from cover to cover. In the magazine there was a story about a young wife and mother who lost her husband in a fire accident. By the end of the article, I could barely see with my eyes as tears screamed down my face but my heart could clearly see the faithfulness of God.

Micca, if you’re reading this I want to say …Thank you for sharing your story, it gave me hope.

So, my prayer is as I journey through the pages in the upcoming weeks, the statement found on the front cover of the book… finding a faith that is stronger then all my fears, will take root in my heart.

Yes To God On Tuesday

You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. John 8:32

Can you believe it; we’re at the last chapter of this book and what a journey it has been. I really didn’t think there was much for me to learn but I found out pride and vanity still existed in my life.

This last chapter put the icing on the cake. What a perfect title, Lisa…The Truth Heals.

Oh, how I love this statement made by Lisa “Know this, my sisters and friends: Jesus is the only One who can truly heal our souls, from the inside out.”

Yes, Jesus is the Truth!

I lived in my own truth for years to fit my needs and wants. I listened to Satan as he would use the lies of the media, the voices of lust and the desires of becoming Ms. Perfection, Ms.Confidence, Ms. Happiness and Ms. Spirituality. By living that way I stepped right into the path of the enemy. Now, he didn’t ignore me, oh no, at first he was very encouraging, quite helpful and gave me logical insight. Living in his world, was leading me to destruction but then Truth stepped in and I was healed!

I’m grateful for the many prayers my mom prayed for me during those years, for standing in the gap fighting the enemy with words of praise. Thanking God in advance for drawing me to the foot of the cross. If I had one more day with my mother I would thank her for her faithfulness in praying for my salvation and talk about all the wonderful truths God has shown us.

God, I ask that you would bless Lisa for her obedience in writing this book. God, bless Lelia for being a great host and friend. Touch them both and expand they territory, walk with them and keep them from the enemy.

Going through this study has brought me closer in my walk with the Lord and has given me a thirst to spend more time with my sweet Jesus.

Thank you to all who shared their stories and how God has taken you from glory to glory.

Thank you letting me be a part of your journey, my friends…may I call you friend?

Yes To God On Tuesday

Thank you for dropping by and joining me with our host Lelia, who is leading us through an online bible study. The author Lisa Whittle wrote the book titled “Behind Those Eyes” so that we, as women would desire to go deeper in to our souls and not hide ‘behind those eyes.’

Highlighted in purple is from Lisa's book

I tried. I tried to let go of the awful memories. I remember asking God to forgive me that day I walked into the clinic, so I could continue on with my life. I laid there staring at the small white blocks on the ceiling, again whispering “God, please forgive me.” Walking out clinic and hearing the door close behind me, I wasn’t sure if this rebellious act I had just committed could ever be forgiven. (Read the whole story, here)

I walked around for years with this secret…my abortion. Even as a Christian, I thought my sin was too awful to really believe that God would forgive me. But God brought down the wall I had built to hide my secret; through a bible study called Forgiven and Set Free and with the help of someone who had been there. Yes, I was forgiven by God yet I still couldn’t forgive myself.

This chapter speaks about forgiveness… While Satan would love for you to believe that you are too flawed and too unworthy of forgiveness, Jesus wants you to know that nothing could be farther from truth. You see, there was nothing I could ever do to make Jesus not love me. Here was something else Lisa wrote…Jesus Christ loves and forgives you without conditions, Period.

So, what was the problem? Why was I struggling with depression, shame and the hatred towards my daughter?

Then one day as I was reading God’s Word, another piece of truth was set before me,
Proverbs 28:13 People who conceal their sins will not prosper, but if they confess and turn from them, they will receive mercy.

At first I didn’t understand, I told God that I had confessed my sin (sins) and I was truly sorry. He said “I know, but read on, what’s it say after the confession?” I read the verse again, but this time out loud and it was screaming out at me…turn from them!
God wanted me to know that I was the one going back to the cross where Jesus said "It is finished” and holding on to my sin that I had confessed. I was the one, who was allowing Satan too constantly bring up my past. I had to forsake them. At that moment,I realized I couldn’t forgive myself,God had never asked that of me. God had asked me to receive His forgiveness after my confession!

My sin had been removed and God wanted me to get on with the life He had planned for me. He remembered no more, Psalms 103:12 says…As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us."

So now, when I meet with someone who is struggling with their sin of abortion or an act of sin that has been done to them and they say “I know God has forgiven me but I can’t forgive myself”. I tell them your right, you can’t forgive yourself, God only ask that you forgive the person who has wronged you and receive His forgiveness toward your sin. It was His Son who was crucified for your transgressions. It’s the blood of Jesus who can only cover our sins and make them as white as snow. Your job is to confess, lay them at the cross, walk away and receive God’s mercy.

As coordinator of our abortion recovery program at the center, we always have memorial service, for the women to be able to grieve their loss at the end of the bible study. I would like to share a poem with you that we use as part of our memorial and I think says it all.

A Pre-born Child’s Conversation with His Heavenly Father

Father God, when is my mommy going to be here?
Soon, my child, soon.
Can you tell me how long?
There is no measure of time with me, my child. She is busy right now doing the work I’ve given her to do. When all that is done, she’ll be here.Is she going to know me when she gets here?
Yes, she will, my child. I’ll let her know.What does she look like, Father God?
Why, she looks a lot like you, my child. The same color hair, the same eyes, the same nose; you resemble her a lot.
What do you think she’s going to do when she sees me?
She will run to you, take you in her arms, and love you just as any other loving Mother would do.
Father God, why has she never held me in her arms before?
She never had the chance to do so, my child.Why did she never have the chance, Father God?
I don’t remember, my child. (Della Baker Hutto-March 1994)

Did you catch what He said?

Yes to God on Tuesdays

Thank you for dropping by and joining me with our host Lelia, who is leading us through an online bible study. The author Lisa Whittle wrote the book titled “Behind Those Eyes” so that we, as women would desire to go deeper in to our souls and not hide ‘behind those eyes.’

anything in purple is from Lisa's book
If I told you I’ve never felt loved, I would be lying. The truth is I have always felt loved (take note of the word felt)…from my parents, the world, and especially the men in my life. Knowing if God loved me never seemed to be issue but accepting it, now that's a whole different ballgame.

Lisa’s says “The reality is that many of us have known about God’s love for a long, long time. She then mentions the verse that most of us have learned from birth, John 3:16. She goes on to say…“the difference in the way we see that verse now is the difference between head knowledge and heart knowledge.”
What is the difference between head knowledge and heart knowledge? I would never say that I’m an expert on the love factor because as you ladies know, I’ve searched for love in all the wrong places. But I do know what it means to belong, to be accepted and adopted in to a family.

You see, my biological mom, found out she was pregnant at the age of 15 by a young man with empty promises. It was just two weeks before her 16th birthday when she gave birth to a baby girl…me. She tried her best to raise me and provide a good life, which most would say “we just existed.” It was about 2 years after my grand arrival, along with my baby sister; she did something that was inconceivable to most. She put our needs before her feelings and allowed a couple to adopt us.

At the time, this couple should’ve been considering how they were going to spend all their free time together. Their children were grown, the house was paid in full and they still had a lot of life to live, yet they choose us.

Even though we didn’t look like them, nor have the same blood type, they accepted us. My sister and I were always reminded on how much they loved us through their sacrifices. Belonging to this family was easy but being their children, to share in their lives and to be called daughter, was sometimes hard to comprehend.

There was a time in my life when knowing the love of my father became a permanent thumb print on my heart.

I had spent most of the day shopping with mom and her friend that summer afternoon, when I decided at the mature age of 11 it was time to have my first experience with cigarettes.

My mom’s friend made it very clear on the way home from our shopping spree; she was going to quit smoking. I watched as she twisted the half emptied pack of cigarettes between her two hands and placed them back into her purse. Within a few minutes we pulled into our driveway and with a determined look on her face, she handed me the pack of cigarettes and asked me to throw them away for her. So, with no hesitation and a smile on my face I said “Sure!”

I quickly ran into the house and carefully placed them in the garbage knowing in my heart that I would return at a later time. After a few hours, I made my way back to where I had placed the twisted cigarettes among the trash. Not wanting to touch anything that was lying around them, I cautiously picked them up and stuffed them in my pant’s pocket.

I proceeded to walk out the front door and went around to the back side of the old lilac tree. I thought, now this will be a good place to start my new adventure. The tree was fairly big and in full blossom. My hope was that the smell of the flowers would help disguise the smell of my actions. I must have lost track of time because the next thing I knew, I looked down and saw millions of cigarette butts lying on the grass. But still in a daze of pleasure, I continued on.

Then I heard his voice…“Tammy, where are you, it’s time for supper.”

I thought how was I going to explain this to my dad? My heart began to pound and I could feel a lump rising in my throat. I knew I was about to be a big disappointment and I just wanted to hide.

Thinking I could cover-up my secret, I began to scoop up, as fast as I could, the cigarettes butts that I so carelessly dropped on the ground. But within seconds my eyes were drawn to two large feet and there would be no denying it… those were the tips of my dad’s boots. I knew at that very moment I was caught. Tears started running down my cheeks as I slowly lifted my head upwards, within moments my eyes meet his and I could see the disappointment taking place his face.

I thought for sure he was going to punish me right then and there. But all he said was…“Why?” I was so ashamed. I told him I was sorry and that I would never do it, again. That is when he put out his hands and gently pulling me to his side. He said “I wished I had never started smoking.” “Tammy, it’s a very bad habit to get into and I don’t want you to make the same mistake I did.” “Let’s go in for supper, we’ll talk later.”

Then as we were walking towards the front door, he said “I want you to know, I love you no matter what.”

That day I knew I belonged, I was family.

It doesn’t matter where I have come from, what I have done or who I might have belonged to before I was chosen. But what does matter is I KNOW I’m completely loved and accepted completely by my Heavenly Father.

Yes to God on Tuesday

Thank you for dropping by and joining me with our host Lelia, who is leading us through an online bible study. The author Lisa Whittle wrote the book titled “Behind Those Eyes” so that we, as women would desire to go deeper in to our souls and not hide ‘behind those eyes.’

Here she comes...Ms. Spirituality!Make-up looks good, not to heavy. Check! My blouse isn’t too low; skirt just the right length. Check! I need to get to church on time, it’s important, but I can’t remember where I placed my bible, oh, there it is. Check!

I’m so glad we made it to church on time. Let’s see, bible in hand, highlighters in purse and a smile on my face as we walk towards the front of the sanctuary to our usually spot. The pastor tells us to turn to the book of John, chapter 3.

Oh look, I already have it highlighted with some thoughts written beside it, I wonder if the person next to me will glance over and then they will see just how spiritual I am. While all the way through the message I softly say…amen, praise the Lord and hallelujah. Yet, I couldn’t stop thinking about the night before when my make-up was heavier, my blouse was lower, my skirt was higher as I sat at the bar with a glass of gin and tonic in my hand. I was a fake but no one knew, like Ms. Spirituality, my performance was just that, a performance.

Every Sunday I would raise my hands to praise the Lord and be the first one up front at the end of the service with all my regrets. I would then leave the church determined that this week would be different.

Lisa writes this statement: Perhaps in her quest for spiritual perfection, like many of us, Ms. Spirituality is asking the wrong question. She is looking at the ritualistic side of her faith, rather then the tangible expression of a deeply rooted love for God.
I had known God for most of my life but I didn’t really know Him until I laid down my alabaster box at His feet. Everything I had loved was in that box. Everything that was special to me. Everything which gave me a sense of being loved, was hidden inside that box. God didn’t want my tears of regret, which only lead to a better performance on Sunday morning…God wanted my alabaster box.

It was the usual Sunday morning; I had gone through my checklist and was ready to close the bedroom door when I noticed my alabaster box sitting on the dresser. I took a deep breath,as I placed it in my hand, although I wasn’t sure why I was taking it with me. I arrived at church on time with my family, bible in hand and highlighters in my purse ready for the message. Again,I would put on a great performance and receive the title of 'Ms. Spirituality'. At the end of the service, I felt a pressing on my heart that I could no longer deny; God didn’t want my words of praise or my good deeds...He wanted my alabaster box.

It was then I reached into my purse and slowly pulled out the box that had been decorated with years of accomplishments and pride. I walked to the front of the church and knelt down, but this time it wasn’t with all my regrets that I was lying at His feet, it was something much more precious…it was my alabaster box.

Oh, I still highlight my bible, I still raise my hands to praise the Lord and I still have a smile on my face as we go to the front of the sanctuary to our usually spot. But now, I have a deeply rooted love for God. My life has come to know God and a great desire to do His will.

Lisa, you were so right when you wrote:
God’s original plan was not for us to prove to Him that we love Him by performing to the best of our spiritual abilities. Rather, He is seeking today what He has always been interested in getting from us: a relationship with Him that is pure of heart and motive, the only goal in mind being to honor Him by doing His will.
I’m not a shamed or guilty for the life I led,but I marvel how God has taken the filthy rags I once wore and has given me the robe of righteousness.

Yes to God on Tuesdays

Thank you for dropping by and joining me with our host Lelia, who is leading us through an online bible study. The author Lisa Whittle wrote the book titled “Behind Those Eyes” so that we, as women would desire to go deeper in to our souls and not hide ‘behind those eyes.’

anything in purple is from Lisa's book

It was this one small sentence in Lisa’s book that summed it up. Happiness cannot be found inside of us, no matter how hard we try to make it be true.

Ms. Happiness had always been a part of me. To me…happiness came in many different forms from outward appearance, performing on stage, and the change in scenery of men and whatever else I desired at the moment.

The choices I made about how I felt would bring pain if not death to many different people. The more I spent thinking about myself the easier it was to choose death. What can out of my own happiness was...death to purity for my wedding night, death to a marriage, death to our son’s life of being a family, death to my unborn child and death to myself worth. I was determined to run right into the arms of happiness, my happiness.

Our marriage of 12 years was a mess and I was about to destroy our daughter’s life because I wanted to be happy. It wasn’t until 1996 when my husband (no.2) and I were sitting across from a pastor, who was willing to speak truth into our lives. He explained that our marriage wasn’t about what we could get from the other person but it was about what we had to offer to each other. Then he said these words “Life isn’t about you!” He went on to say that if we wanted our marriage to work, then we needed to take our eyes off ourselves, put them on Jesus and His will for our lives.

There Jesus stood, my husband on one side and I on the other, looking into my eyes, He whispered “You must choose life or death for your marriage.” I knew at that moment I would never be happy if I continued down the road of…self fulfillment.

My life has change so much since that day because I chose to fix my eyes on Jesus. He has given me the love to respect my husband; He’s healed the pain from my past so I can love who He has created me to be. He has stirred my heart to be totally committed to Him and my family.

There was another question Lisa’s asked at the end of the study “Think about a person you know who emulates true joy.”

Did you have someone in mind? For me the answer came quickly, I’ve talked about her in Ms. Confidence…my mom.

She led a simple life. She never demanded anything that would put the focus on herself. Her words were always kind; her home was always welcoming and her life display the love of Jesus. She had many trials in her life but there are two trials where I saw true joy,only God can give.

When she was about 84 years old she fell in the bath tub breaking the first two vertebras in her neck. The doctor told us it was a miracle she had the ability to walk; while he was instructing us on how to care for her as she would be wearing a neck brace for year or so.

About a month later, I noticed mom was going into a deep depression, which had never been a part of her life before. So, one day sitting at the kitchen table I said “Mom, what is wrong?” “You seem so unhappy, it’s not like you.” She looked at me with tears in her eyes and with a soft voice replied “I can’t read my bible because of this brace.” I immediately went looking for her bible, returned to the table and began reading God’s Word to her. Oh…the smile that came to her face, the joy I saw in her eyes and the life that had returned to her soul.
Satan has tried many times to cause my mother to curse God, even to the very end of her life. In this post you will see the second trial of true joy in my mom’s life.

When I first started this bible study I thought it would be a good way to connect with other Christian women but it has turned out to be so much more. Through this study I’m learning what my mother knew; happiness doesn’t come by the way of how you feel but by Who you know. May we all be remembered as a woman who emulated true joy.

Yes to God on Tuesdays

For all of us,along with our wonderful host Lilea, who have been reading this book ‘Behind Those Eyes’ by Lisa Whittle, we are finding truth with every turning page. Some of us have heard God’s whisper, while others have needed a little bit bolder approach like flashing neon lights, to go along with the whispers of God’s voice. No matter how God is speaking to all of us, isn’t it wonderful He loves us so much to never leave us where we are.

All purple highlighted is out of Lisa’s book.

As you read this post or ones before it, you will find that I hid my identity and pretended I could control whatever came along. So, in the next half of my life I’ve decided to be honest with God and you…isn’t that what this book is all about? Getting to know who is 'Behind Those Eyes'…right? Well, for the last several days my mind has been debating on what I should write about in this chapter.

It was this paragraph in Lisa’s book that jumped out at me: The idea of making one's own decisions about her body and what to do with it is an idea Ms. Confidence highly esteems. Making decisions about your own body seems like the epitome of confidence. It has become a gender-empowering thing in or society to own our sexuality and form a kind of identity around doing what we want to do."

You see, when I look into the mirror, I see a woman who is aging, a place I never thought I would be. If I told you I wasn’t afraid of growing old, I would be lying. I have always relied on my looks to get me were I thought I needed to go.
Thinking back to my years of growing up, I wanted to be just like my dance teacher. She was so beautiful, like a full size Barbie doll with the finest clothes, jewelry and a charisma about her that would make heads turn when she enter a room. So, from the time I was a teen to my 45th year of life, I was Ms. Confidence, the woman who was so unapproachable yet desperately wanted your friendship.

My life was heading to a place where nothing was going to stop me from being important. Even if it meant I would end up destroying lives, a marriage and falling into the arms of a stranger(s), all because Ms. Confidence was telling me I could make it happen.

Well, I made it happen. I gave away the most precious gift God gave me at a young age because I was confident that my beauty would keep him and him and him…

Reading Ms. Confidence, I could totally relate to…been there,done that.

My first marriage, (yep, my first marriage) Ms. Confidence decided she needed to tag along. She would encourage me to be a WOMAN and to make sure that my husband knew that I didn’t need him to survive. She also convinced me if this marriage didn’t work out, I could be certain that some else would come along. I played right into her hand, my marriage ended after 10 years and standing by my side was my 4 year old son waving goodbye to his ….daddy.

My career as a dance teacher was my life. I had seen how a CONFIDENT woman worked the room and received approval from the world. I had watched how she would walk pass a mirror to gaze at her beauty, then turn towards me as if to say “You want to be just like me when you grow-up, don’t you?”

I became that confident woman just like my dance teacher. I worked countless hours along with compromising values and demand the approval from the world. My life was spinning out of control. Life was about me, it always had been.

I needed to put an end to the relationship that I was having with Ms. Confidence because if I didn’t…I would destroy my second marriage and my daughter would be standing by my side waving goodbye to her …daddy.

Then I read another statement Lisa made…True confidence comes from only one source—an inside Source—and it cannot be brought, sold, put on or manufactured.
I thought of another woman I once knew who had the quality of this statement. Anyone who might have met her would say, “She had all the confident in the world”.

No, she didn’t wear the finest clothes, her only jewelry was her wedding band and on her face she wore a smile. I never gave it much thought in my younger years, how this woman would spend so much time reading at the feet of Jesus and less time looking into a mirror. Everyday I would watch as the words she was reading would come to life in her heart. She had the confidence that not even Ms. Confidence, herself, would ever achieve. She found the secret to full happiness (which I believe is our next chapter…Ms. Happiness) and that only God could be her ‘inside Source’. No matter what life handed her, she always received it with open arms because she knew God was her purpose for living not for man’s approval.

God has done amazing things in my life since I have allowed Him to clear out the corners of my heart. My marriage has been renewed, my secret sin has been forgiven, and my daughter has a mommy who loves her and my son has watched how God has taken this self-centered woman to being a God-centered worshipper.

I want my life to end just like the woman who sat at Jesus’ feet every morning, as I would walk by.
She was a woman who feared God…she was my Mom.

Yes to God on Tuesdys

Thank you for dropping by and joining me with our host Lelia, who is leading us through an online bible study. The author Lisa Whittle wrote “Behind Those Eyes” so that we, as women would desire to go deeper in to our souls and come out of hiding. All questions or statements are put purple from Lisa’s book.

As I was reading chapter two, in my head I was saying “Yep, that’s me” as I periodically glance at my perfectly painted toenails. Then I saw it, as if it was in neon lights flashing to get my attention…When I think of Ms. Perfection, I feel so tired.

As I sat there looking at those words, they started too press against my heart, was God about to tell me something,again? Would I be willing to listen?

I guess you could say I have been Ms. Perfection for a very long time. I have always felt the need to have everyone’s approval, whether it is from my friends, my family and anyone else who laid eyes on me. Up until about five years ago I never gave Ms. Perfection much thought, it was just a way of life, but now I couldn’t stop thinking about her.

You see, I’m tired of putting on 6 or 7 outfits, making sure my clothes look just right before I walk out the door. I’m tried of fighting the natural aging process by combing the universe for that PERFECT cream. I’m tired of trying to make my body take the shape of those fitness models, which have too much time on their hands, to look that way. I'm getting tired, so tried, in trying to be that perfect package… I so secretly desired.

Ms. Perfection, she has taken so much from me and not once has she offered anything in return. Many times she has whisper in my ear telling how beautiful I am and then in the next breath laughing at my imperfections. She has stolen my time, my money, my self-worth and almost ran away with my soul. I’ve come to learn that Ms. Perfection doesn’t care about anything or anyone but herself. I’ve started to realize that everywhere I go she’s only two step behind, yelling at me to fix my hair, to pull in my stomach and make eye contact to see if THEY…all approve. Just as Lisa stated…When I think of Ms. Perfection, I feel so tired.

So, in the last several weeks I’ve been having a conversation with God about Ms. Perfection. I have told Him, I’m not really crazy about this woman anymore and I want her to stop dropping by. I asked God “To search my heart and to show me what my stumbling block is? I want to be approachable, I want to be real.

This weekend we had a women convention in our area and yes, you guessed it, between reading this book,the convention and the conversation I’ve been having with God, He gave me…my answer.

The whole weekend was about choices we make. Every choice brings forth a seed and every seed brings forth fruit. Ok, just like you, I know about the whole sowing and reaping thing but it was the illustration she gave that brought truth to my heart. She was talking about being fiercely faith to God and to our spouses…I thought to myself, I’m there, no problem!

Then she started to tell about this woman who she was watching across the room one day, she said the woman was attractive and appeared to be about 50 years of age...Hummm,I'm 50. As the woman stood there waiting, every time a man would walk by she would look in his direction until they made eye contact. As soon as she received his approval through a nod or smile, she then would turn away (bashfully) only to repeat the game, again. Within a few minutes the person she was waiting for had arrived…her husband.

That’s when the Lord said “Tammy, she talking about you.” At first, I tried to ignore what I had just heard because I hadn’t been unfaithful to my husband in years. But God wouldn’t leave me alone, until I confess that I had not been fiercely faith to Him or my husband. I realized at that very moment I needed to make a choice. Was I going to choose to deny the truth, that in fact for years I had been looking for approval from others? Or would I stand in front of God, completely naked, with all my imperfections and allow Him to cover me with His approval?

On that day I realized truth doesn’t come in a gentle or quiet way. Lisa’s right…it does hurt. My heart ached with grief because I knew God had exposed something I had kept secret. Later on that evening I went to my husband, told him what had happened and asked for his forgiveness. He told me he knew about the game I had played for so many years and then he put his arms around me and said “You’re forgiven”… just as my Heavenly Father did earlier that day.

In Lisa’s book, she gives us a list of how Ms. Perfection disguises herself, in many ways… as a perfect wife, perfect mother, perfect relationship or a perfect package. So,when perfection takes root in our minds, it's then we look to others for nod or a smile.

The truth is, I will never be perfect looking into someone else’s eyes…only His.

Yes to God on Tuesday

Thank you for dropping by and joining me with our host Lelia, who is leading us through an online bible study. The author Lisa Whittle whose book we are using is titled “Behind Those Eyes” so that we, as women would desire to go deeper in to our souls and not hide ‘behind those eyes.’ I put whatever I have taken from the book in purple.

Seeing we are dealing with being authentic which means not being a counterfeit, I have to make a confession. I know what you’re thinking…already? Yes, I have struggled for the last two days trying to write and rewrite something profound but every time I'd put it on paper, it just didn’t seem right. Now here my confession, I read many wonderful, creative blog sites and each time I shut down the computer my desire is to write just like the authors. There I said it. You all write so beautifully and your words just flow together. I wasn’t at the top of my English class and up until about year ago I never had a desire to write even a thank you note. After going to bed I started my nightly conversation with God, telling him I was frustrated and wondered if once again,was I pretending to be someone else. Did I join this online bible study because there need's to be another dose of truth spoken to me or did I just want to be popular...again.

So, this morning I got up early and opened up Lisa’s book hoping something would jump out at me, all the while seeking God to speak to my heart and to my surprise, He did. Why are we always surprise when God does something? Anyway, I know I had read this sentence before there on page 16, at the end of the first paragraph Judas pretended to love Jesus, but in fact, he loved no one but himself. Here’s what I started to ponder…Did Judas start out that way? Maybe at first he really wanted to be in ministry with Jesus or was he just pretending? When did he take is eyes off from Jesus and looked towards the world?

Let me say this right up front,I don't ever want to be like Judas,again.

I want my story to be…God’s story. My life up until about 10 years ago was one big make- believe, pretending to be someone else.
I was even a pretender in my childhood not because I lived in a bad situation, absolutely not. As a matter of fact I felt very special because I was adopted by a great couple, but I always wanted to be popular. I always needed to have the name-brand jeans, shoes and anything else that had to do with fashion. I never gave it much thought that my dad worked hard, from paycheck to paycheck to make ends meet. All I wanted was people to think I was someone else so they would be my friend. Pretending became a normal part of my life. So normal, that it followed me into my adulthood and I became known as Miss Tammy. It's a title given to you when you become an instructor in the world of dance from your students. I played the part quite well. Trying to be who I thought I should be instead of who God wanted me to be was draining me of my self-worth, pretending was destroying my marriage. I was spending money I didn’t have, my son from my first marriage, yes I was a pretender there too, was being forgotten because I only had time for those I wanted to be my friend..you know, the important people. I had no room for another child so I made a choice that would haunt me for years. Toward the end of my make-believe world I was being drawn into Satan's trap, just like Judas.


I don’t want to be a pretender; I have lived in the world of make-believe and pretended to be someone I wasn’t but now my eyes are on Jesus,I want to be real, authentic and live His truth from the inside out. After reading the first chapter, I still feel pretty comfortable with myself but my prayer is that feeling of comfort won’t last long. I want to have everything that is preventing God from using me far beyond what I could ever image to be removed. I want the truth to be spoken by Him and if my blogging friends have something to say, I want that too.

I know God has chosen once again, at this appointed time, to reveal to me the truth. Lord, I’m ready...