To follow this story start with: My Secret Sin 5/08/08
The house was quiet on the morning of October 2007. My husband was off to work and like every morning, I had just returned from dropping our daughter off at the bus stop. I grabbed my cup of coffee, my bible and notes that I had been working on for the last couple of weeks. I was preparing the testimony that I was going to give on Wednesday night to the youth group at our church. As I sat down at the kitchen table to put the final touches to the last part of my story, I was still struggling with one small piece of my heart. My heart felt empty and distance towards my daughter. Every time I tried to hold her, I would be reminded of how I was ever meant to be a mom. Many times, I would hear the voice utter to me “A good mother would desire to have children, to nurture them, not destroy them.” The voice had a way of reminding me “She hates you, for what you have done to her sibling.”
I need to stop here to take you back to about 3 years before that October morning. My husband, my daughter and I had just finished watching the
It’s about a woman and her husband who had an abortion in the early years of their marriage. They never spoke about it until, something triggered her to begin to think about their child again and she started to experience Post Abortion Syndrome. (http://www.inourmidst.com/reactions_effects.htm#pas)
Many of you might be thinking why would we watch this movie, how could my 10 year old possible understand this act of abortion. I assure you, she only knew that abortion was not the will of God and it meant a life had been ended. This movie is wonderfully done and speaks of forgiveness.
At the end of the movie we all sat there with various mixed emotions. I will never forget her turning to me and in her soft voice whispered “Mommy, do you know anyone who had an abortion?” After taking a deep breath...I replied “Yes.” Then came the one question I feared the most, once again in her child-like voice she asked “Mommy, did you ever have an abortion?”
At that moment my world stopped. It was like everything else stood still except me. I wasn't sure what to say. I had prayed many times for the opportunity to tell my children but not today, I wasn’t ready. I knew in my heart God was opening the door to my secret sin. He was about to take me one step closer to the place called…trust.
Immediately, my eyes began to fill with tears. I looked over at my husband, as if to say “Should we tell her?”As soon as his eyes meet mine, I know the answer. I reached out and place her hand in mine,while all the time praying in my heart that God would give me the words to help her understand. I wasn’t sure if I could ever help her to comprehend why we made such a choice…but I knew it was time to tell her the truth.
There was someone else who also needed to know the truth and that was my son, from a previous marriage. We had told him at the time of my pregnancy that I had a miscarriage. I knew in my heart in order for me to share my story with others, I had to share the truth with my children.
So,God in his sovereignty after two years of revealing the truth to our daughter, opened the door to uncover my hidden secret with my son. Telling my children was far from being easy but the burden of not talking about my other child was destroying me and my family. For so many years I feared judgement from my children but what I received was forgiveness.