Sunday, July 20, 2008

To tell the truth

To follow this story start with: My Secret Sin 5/08/08

The house was quiet on the morning of October 2007. My husband was off to work and like every morning, I had just returned from dropping our daughter off at the bus stop. I grabbed my cup of coffee, my bible and notes that I had been working on for the last couple of weeks. I was preparing the testimony that I was going to give on Wednesday night to the youth group at our church. As I sat down at the kitchen table to put the final touches to the last part of my story, I was still struggling with one small piece of my heart. My heart felt empty and distance towards my daughter. Every time I tried to hold her, I would be reminded of how I was ever meant to be a mom. Many times, I would hear the voice utter to me “A good mother would desire to have children, to nurture them, not destroy them.” The voice had a way of reminding me “She hates you, for what you have done to her sibling.”

I need to stop here to take you back to about 3 years before that October morning. My husband, my daughter and I had just finished watching the
movie…Tilly(http://www.frankperetti.com/product/261.htm?parentid=1369)
It’s about a woman and her husband who had an abortion in the early years of their marriage. They never spoke about it until, something triggered her to begin to think about their child again and she started to experience Post Abortion Syndrome. (http://www.inourmidst.com/reactions_effects.htm#pas)
Many of you might be thinking why would we watch this movie, how could my 10 year old possible understand this act of abortion. I assure you, she only knew that abortion was not the will of God and it meant a life had been ended. This movie is wonderfully done and speaks of forgiveness.

At the end of the movie we all sat there with various mixed emotions. I will never forget her turning to me and in her soft voice whispered “Mommy, do you know anyone who had an abortion?” After taking a deep breath...I replied “Yes.” Then came the one question I feared the most, once again in her child-like voice she asked “Mommy, did you ever have an abortion?”
At that moment my world stopped. It was like everything else stood still except me. I wasn't sure what to say. I had prayed many times for the opportunity to tell my children but not today, I wasn’t ready. I knew in my heart God was opening the door to my secret sin. He was about to take me one step closer to the place called…trust.
Immediately, my eyes began to fill with tears. I looked over at my husband, as if to say “Should we tell her?”As soon as his eyes meet mine, I know the answer. I reached out and place her hand in mine,while all the time praying in my heart that God would give me the words to help her understand. I wasn’t sure if I could ever help her to comprehend why we made such a choice…but I knew it was time to tell her the truth.

There was someone else who also needed to know the truth and that was my son, from a previous marriage. We had told him at the time of my pregnancy that I had a miscarriage. I knew in my heart in order for me to share my story with others, I had to share the truth with my children.

So,God in his sovereignty after two years of revealing the truth to our daughter, opened the door to uncover my hidden secret with my son. Telling my children was far from being easy but the burden of not talking about my other child was destroying me and my family. For so many years I feared judgement from my children but what I received was forgiveness.

9 comments:

Dawn Ward said...

Tammy, I just have to keep thanking you for sharing your story. It is so poignant and compelling. I have goose bumps from this post.

What a blessing you are!
Dawn

Ashley Vincent said...

I too have goose bumbs Aunt Tammy. Thanks for sharing.

Chatty Kelly said...

Your story is so compelling. You should put it together as a book for women recovering from post abortion snydrome.

Nancy said...

I have been in your shoes dear sister. I had to tell my 22year old son that his mother (Christian author and speaker) once had an abortion, he was absolutely stunned. I was about to speak to a college sorority group and give my testimony and didn't want him to hear it from someone else.

All those many years ago when I made that decision I thought what I did was over, but it still is not over. When I enter heaven I will hear a little voice I've never heard before call me mom. Then I will meet the little one I didn't chose to have.

I live free and forgiven by Christ, but some things simply cannot be done.

Thank you for sharing. May God bless you and your family.
Nancy

Pinkshoelady said...

Hi Tammy,
Wow, thanks for being so open and honest. The truth will set us free. I pray for you as younow walk in this open truth. May complete healing come.

I love you my friend.

Pamela R.

Lysa TerKeurst said...

So very powerful.

Thank you for sharing... I wish more of us post abortive women could share our stories.

The more of us that share, the more women there will be choosing life... I'm convinced.

Alene said...

Secrets have a way of destroying us one way or another. I am so thankful you are comfortable sharing your journey. You are a breath of fresh air and encouragement to many who are still hiding. Satan would have us hide forever for those secrets have power over us. Hallelujah for god's redeeming grace, love and freedom!!! Keep on talking girl!!

Pat said...

Tammy,
What a blessing to read your story and focus yet again on the faithfulness of our God. His complete focus is ALWAYS on our healing and using our story for His Glory!
His amazing grace is always at work.
Blessing to you Surrendered Sister!!
Run on!
Pat

Lelia Chealey said...

OH Tammy. You got me girl and you know why.
I still have your #. :)
Love you,
Lelia