Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Our Meeting

To follow this story start with post: My Secret Sin 5/8/08

Well, it had been about two years since my bible study on Forgiven and Set Free. Things once again started to spin out of control, my husband and I decided to give our marriage one last ray of hope. We meet with a pastor that someone said could help us. My husband and I had already been to about 4 or 5 worldly counselors and they were as mixed-up as we were.We figured going to a pastor that he would have the answers to why this marriage wasn't working and if he didn't this marriage was over.

During that meeting, God spoke to my heart to trust Him and if I was willing, He would do the rest. I have to be honest I was scared, in my mind the big "what ifs" were floating around. Let's face it, I hadn't trusted Him up to this point in my life. If you looked at my history you would see that I had one failed marriage,another one about to fail and don't forget the abortion.
Then a thought came to me, could it be just that,I have never trusted Him?

Saturday, May 10, 2008

I wanted to change

To follow this story, please read post: My Secret Sin 05/0 8/08

As I was going through the bible study it began to show me how I had rationalized my reasoning for the abortion. How I denied myself to grieve. How I was telling myself that God could never really forgive me, could He? The study took about 12 weeks and at the end I did feel better. My relationships were being mended; I started to feel a closeness with my daughter.

But I still had that "secret sin" hidden in my heart. I had told a my best friend the truth but everyone else thought I had a miscarriage, noticed how I added a lie to cover up my secret. Day by day things started getting tough again. The hate and anger started to seep back into my heart and I didn't know why. I tried so hard to love my daughter, to be the kind of mother she would be proud to call "mom." To a lot of people it's hard to understand, how could anyone feel that way? How could someone who calls themselves a "christian" show that much anger and say awful things about their own child. Believe me, I didn't understand but I so desperately wanted to....

Thursday, May 8, 2008

My Secret Sin

Life has been busy. You know the everyday stuff along with 2 birthdays and anniversary (my husband and I have been married 21 years today!). I have thought about writing but somehow other things have taken priority. So, I'm just going to do it... Write.

I have mentioned before about volunteering at a crisis pregnancy center. About a year ago, I was asked to be the program coordinator for the abortion recovery. Now if you had told me that this is where God would have me serving, I would had said "You're crazy." I never thought that I would be helping other women in revealing their "secret sin." Why would I do that? Maybe because I knew what it is like to go through life thinking you can live with this secret... he would have been 18 in July.

I can still remember the day that I walked into the clinic, asking God to forgive me, believing that this was the only answer. No, I wasn't a desperate teenager, my whole life ahead of me college student, a single mom or a married woman who had an affair. I was married and it was my husband baby but to us the timing wasn't right and our marriage was rocky. I won't touch on every detail that happened that day but when I walked out of that clinic my life was different. At the time I couldn't have put my finger on it, I just knew that I had left a piece of me behind.

For the next 10 years life was a blur and I had feelings of anger that I could not explain. It didn't make sense;I was a Christian who was somewhat involved in the church. I was still married and about 2 years after the abortion we had a beautiful little girl.
The day that she was born I told myself "I'm going to be the best Mom in the world" and for awhile I was. But something happen along the way, I became withdrawn, I heard a voice in my mind that reminded me of that November day back in 1989. It said " You killed your other child and then you went an had another one, you fool." I know "kill " is such a strong word and to hear that it just made me feel that I could never be the mom that she desired. I didn't know back then, but the enemy will do or say anything to make us feel ashamed and worthless.

Life seemed to be getting darker but I continued to pray hoping to get some answers to my questions... "Why can't I be like the other mothers?" "Why does she seem to hate me?" "What am I doing wrong?" "Why can't I get close to her?" My heart was breaking for all I wanted was to love her.

I know now that God was listening. That he was being ever so gentle with me. He began to heal the wound that had gone deep, so deep that layers of skin had grown over it but it was still infected.
One Sunday at church there was an invitation for a bible study for women who had an abortion, that was the first nudge. I signed up, hoping no one would see my name...

To follow the complete story click on labels:abortion or My Secret Sin