Tuesday Testimony- January 6, 2009

Life is one of the most precious gifts given to man. So, on January 18th we will be reminded of that wonderful gift... the Sanctity of Human Life. On that day, I can now sit in the pew with no more feelings of shame and guilt; for God has restored me with peace because I no longer hide in my sin.
For years I lived under satan's thumb and gave him the victory over my life. But no more will I be silent! We may never see abortions come to an end in this country but I know that God can use my story(His story) to help others find forgiveness and live a life of freedom.

So,I've decided to join in on sharing my testimony over at Tracy's Transparent Life. Many of you have read my story(God's Story) but for those of you that might be new, please read without judgment or condemnation.

About a two years ago, I was asked to be the program coordinator for the abortion recovery at our local CPC. Now, if you had told me that was where God would have me serving, I would have told you point blank, "you’re crazy." I never thought I would ever be helping other women in revealing their "secret sin." I know what it’s like going through life thinking you can live with this secret... he would have been 20 in July.

I can still remember the day I walked into the abortion clinic, asking God to forgive me, but believing that this was the only answer. No, I wasn't a desperate teenager with my whole life ahead of me, not a college student, not even a single mom or a married woman who had an affair. I was married and it was my husband’s baby, but the timing wasn't right for us and our marriage was rocky. I won't touch on every detail that happened inside that clinic, but when I walked out, my life was different. At the time, I couldn't put my finger on it. I just knew that I had left a piece of me behind.

For the next 10 years, life was a blur and I had unexplainable feelings of anger. It didn't make sense, though; I was a Christian who was somewhat involved in the church. I was still married, and about two years after the abortion we had a beautiful little girl.

After Sydney was born I told myself, "I'm going to be the best Mom in the world" and for awhile I was. But then something happened along the way. There were days that I couldn't get enough of Sydney and other days,I didn't even want to hold her. I became more and more withdrawn. Then there was this voice, in my head, reminding me of that dark November day back in 1989. Over and over again,it would say "You killed your other child and then you went and had another one, you fool."

"Kill" is such a strong word and to hear it just made me feel that I could never be the Mom that my daughter needed. What I didn't know back then, is that the enemy will do or say anything to make us feel ashamed and worthless.My life was sinking into the depths of despair, but I continued to pray, hoping to get some answers to my questions. Questions like... "Why can't I be like the other mothers? Why does she seem to hate me? What am I doing wrong? Why can't I get close to her?"

My heart was breaking. All I really wanted was to love my own daughter.

(I will continue with my testimony next Tuesday)