Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Tuesday Testimony- January 6, 2009

Life is one of the most precious gifts given to man. So, on January 18th we will be reminded of that wonderful gift... the Sanctity of Human Life. On that day, I can now sit in the pew with no more feelings of shame and guilt; for God has restored me with peace because I no longer hide in my sin.
For years I lived under satan's thumb and gave him the victory over my life. But no more will I be silent! We may never see abortions come to an end in this country but I know that God can use my story(His story) to help others find forgiveness and live a life of freedom.

So,I've decided to join in on sharing my testimony over at Tracy's Transparent Life. Many of you have read my story(God's Story) but for those of you that might be new, please read without judgment or condemnation.

About a two years ago, I was asked to be the program coordinator for the abortion recovery at our local CPC. Now, if you had told me that was where God would have me serving, I would have told you point blank, "you’re crazy." I never thought I would ever be helping other women in revealing their "secret sin." I know what it’s like going through life thinking you can live with this secret... he would have been 20 in July.

I can still remember the day I walked into the abortion clinic, asking God to forgive me, but believing that this was the only answer. No, I wasn't a desperate teenager with my whole life ahead of me, not a college student, not even a single mom or a married woman who had an affair. I was married and it was my husband’s baby, but the timing wasn't right for us and our marriage was rocky. I won't touch on every detail that happened inside that clinic, but when I walked out, my life was different. At the time, I couldn't put my finger on it. I just knew that I had left a piece of me behind.

For the next 10 years, life was a blur and I had unexplainable feelings of anger. It didn't make sense, though; I was a Christian who was somewhat involved in the church. I was still married, and about two years after the abortion we had a beautiful little girl.

After Sydney was born I told myself, "I'm going to be the best Mom in the world" and for awhile I was. But then something happened along the way. There were days that I couldn't get enough of Sydney and other days,I didn't even want to hold her. I became more and more withdrawn. Then there was this voice, in my head, reminding me of that dark November day back in 1989. Over and over again,it would say "You killed your other child and then you went and had another one, you fool."

"Kill" is such a strong word and to hear it just made me feel that I could never be the Mom that my daughter needed. What I didn't know back then, is that the enemy will do or say anything to make us feel ashamed and worthless.My life was sinking into the depths of despair, but I continued to pray, hoping to get some answers to my questions. Questions like... "Why can't I be like the other mothers? Why does she seem to hate me? What am I doing wrong? Why can't I get close to her?"

My heart was breaking. All I really wanted was to love my own daughter.

(I will continue with my testimony next Tuesday)

Tammy

21 comments:

Shanita Waters said...

Your testimony brought tears to my eyes as did this post. you are so brave and I know it's nothing but the Lord giving you the strength to do what He is calling you to do. I pray that God will shield you and protect you giving you boldness and compassion for others. You have a unique ministry that will touch the lives of many. Romans 8:1

Blessings!
Shanita

Tracy said...

Tammy,

Thank you for your post and for being transparent.. I believe that when we shine the light on the hidden things, then the enemy can't use them and it helps to set others free...

I have not shared with the blogging world this part of my testimony.. I have shared in Bible studies, a women's prision, and other places regarding my experience with abortion... I too was totally different after the experience.. I was headed down a path of destruction for many years after that.. Before we moved to Indiana I went through Tears of Life - a post abortive Bible study program... It changed my life.. and right after we moved to Indiana the Lord crossed my path with 4-5 women that had been through abortion, but did not make the connection to the struggle and depression in their lives.. ANyway, I guess I will share more later...

Thank you.. I am so glad to see how the Lord is using you and your story... I look forward to reading the rest on another post..

Bless you my sister..

Love,
Tracy

Darlene said...

You bring God glory through your words, and the sharing of his redemptive truth. Beautiful.

LisaShaw said...

Tammy, my dear friend, you already know that our stories are similiar in some aspects and we along with others are so encouraged to be able to give our GOD all the glory by sharing His love and power of forgiveness, His redemptive power, saving grace and restoration with others so they too can know the magnitude of HIS LOVE.

I love you for the heart you have for the LORD.

Edie said...

Thank you for sharing this again Tammy. It still speaks to my heart too. I'm so thankful that His mercies are new every morning. Bless you my friend.

Cricket said...

We overcome by our testimony. It's all part of the Healing prosess. Keep on sharing, each and every time you feel lead to do so. Each time I hope that it makes you stronger and brings to you Victory.
Tessa

ktwalden said...

That is a precious post...from a precious sister in Christ! Many blessings to you Tammy!

jcdisciple said...

Tammy,

God is going to (and probably already is) greatly use you for being so honest. Thank you so much.

Chatty Kelly said...

Tammy - it is definitely your calling to keep telling this story. God bless you.

Stacey said...

Tammy,

Thank you for sharing your testimony. I am sure it already has touched and changed a lot of lives.

In His grip,

Stacey

Paula (SweetPea) said...

I read through all your testimony posts last week I believe. You have a beautiful testimony of healing and forgiveness that blesses and glorifies our precious Lord.
Sweet blessings, Tammy.
Paula

Carol said...

Tammy,

Thank you first off for sharing your testimony, and the great healing you received through our Lord. It gives me hope, and touches my heart and soul to great depths.

Thank you for also checking in on me while I've been off the cyber world. Your friendship means a lot to me.

Love:) Carol

Joyfulsister said...

Tammy,
What you wrote will be a healing message to many who have gone through the same journey yet still walk with so much unforgiveness still. Thank you for your courage to share your testimony.

Hugz Lorie

Jody said...

To God be the glory for restoring you and giving you peace. Keep on telling God's story.

Marsha said...

Tammy, thank you for sharing this part of your story. May the Lord continue to use you for His glory as He uses this event in your life for His purposes.

Van said...

Powerful story. I too work at our local CPC with Latina ladies. I give Bible lessons and teach parenting skills. I love it! Keep telling your story and set the captives free!

Laura said...

Tammy,

Isn't it amazing how God uses everything? He is definitely using you, friend. Your story speaks. It helps others to heal. I'm so proud of you for the ministry you do. What a brave and faithful lady you are to share.

Love you,
Laura

Lori said...

Hi Tammy,
Keep sharing your story! I know that not every client at the CPC listens...or we may not think they listen. But no matter the outcome from their circumstance, seeds were definitely planted. That's when we have to let go and let the Holy Spirit minister. You have an excellent way with words. I pray God uses you mightily...puts you front and center, allowing you to speak words of life to many.

God bless you!

Heart of a Ready Writer said...

May God give you strength and power, as you stand boldly for Him.


Blessings,
Linda

HEART OF A READY WRITER – Reading Through the Bible in 2009

michele said...

By God's grace we are saved. He has taught you to be brave, to share your story and to help others. I just happened upon your blog today... you are and will be a blessing to many.

Pat said...

Tammy,
Your testimony is life changing and life giving. Revealtion 12:11 fully alive!!
Keep sharing it!!
Blessings tonight sister,
Pat