Thursday, July 3, 2008

Yet another nudge

To follow this story start with: My Secret Sin 5/08/08
It had been a year since that awful day in September. The day that Satan put his finally plans into motion. He was out to kill, steal and destroy every area of my daughter’s life and he was using me as the final touch.

It had been a year of praying, of doubtfulness as a Christian leader and pretending I was that ‘got it all together mom’. Even as I continued to struggle in reaching out to my daughter, God continuously reached out to me. He was persistent. He never left me, but directed me to what would later be just another step closer to my secret sin.

My days’ volunteering at the center was causing my heart to be broken, to be filled with compassion. I must confess, at times it seemed hard for me to reach out to women, who just like me, had made the same bad choices. But there I was every week at the center surrounded by the very thing that caused my heart to turn to stone. Week after week I would see the pain and desperation on the faces of the women who came looking for answers.
It seemed like every time I was there, I would be asked to do a pregnancy test for someone waiting to find out the answer to her future. I know now, that God was drawing me to a place of total healing.
I knew that it was where God wanted me. I wasn’t there to make a decision for them on what to do next with the information that they had received. But I was there to share the truth, to share my story with these women.

As I got more comfortable revealing my past to the women at the center, God started to nudge me yet again, to share my story, but this time with a larger audience. He wanted me to share with the teens in our youth group at church. It had been sometime since I had visited the youth group because my daughter, on more then one occasion, made it known that it was her time to be an individual but that night I decided to step over the line. I told her that I just wanted to check it out and promised that I wouldn’t humiliate her. At the end of worship the youth pastor began talking about some of the subjects that would be shared in the upcoming weeks and one of them was on abortion.

Immediately I thought, I know all too well about that subject. Could it be another nudge from God?


Dawn Ward said...

Thank you, Tammy, for continuing to share your story.


Lelia Chealey said...

Tammy, this is beautiful!
Thanks for your prayers for my girl. She's at my sisters tonight. PTL!!
I still have your # & will call soon.

LynnSC said...

Thanks Tammy for sharing your heart with us.

I do not know the pain of abortion... but I can so relate to the pain of horrible regrets as a parent. I, too, have been a mom that I would never want anyone else to see. Hurtful words that cut to the core. Taking my anger out on the ones that didn't deserve it. Longing to be someone else... but never able to pull it off. God has broken my heart more than once about my past failures... but only with the desires to change me through them. He longs for me to be the person that He wants me to be. God is so merciful. And I am so thankful and grateful to Him. That is what fuels my desire to be who He wants me to be. I praise God for the promise in He tucked into Philippians that tells me that He will finish the work that HE started in me.

I will be back to follow the story. I appreciate you being real... that is the only way that God can truly use us. Thanks for letting Him use you.

Minister Mamie L. Pack said...


Oh, how often I have had private conversations with God about my past only to find myself having a public ministry. Knowing that we serve a God who can take what was once the broken places in our heart and spirit to heal and restore us encourages and inspires me to keep going forward. The same places that were once a prison are now my stage for ministry. I rejoice that I am able to help other women know the love of God. Your honesty is refreshing. I pray that God may continue to heal you, uplift you and encourage you the rest of the days of your life.

With blessings,

Minister Mamie L. Pack

Chatty Kelly said...

Tammy, your story is riviting. Thank you for sharing it. I know it must be hard, but I am sure you are blessing many.

Thank you for visiting my blog!

My ADHD Me said...

Hi. You must be a very brave woman. It takes courage to open up and share your story with so many. Obviously, God has a plan for your story to help someone.... or many.

I have never been able to "open up" and always try to keep everything inside.

I was touched by your blog and will be back to follow your story.

By the way, "Hi. I'm Mary. I am Chatty Kelly's sister. I found your blog on her's"


My ADHD Me said...

Hi. Just wanted to thank you for dropping by my blog and thanks so much for the compliment.

I noticed your favorite movie is Gone With the Wind. I watched that movie at least twice a year for about 20 years! Loved it! My car license plate used to be 1939S...."1939" for the year it was made and "S" because when I was younger I thought I was Scarlet. (As I get older I feel more like Mammy or even Aunt Pitty Pat!) I also had the Franklin Mint dolls etc (that was before money went to things like diapers and preschool etc).
I still find myself occasionally saying quotes from it. Even a few of my posts have quotes from it...aka "askin' ain't gettin'" (Pork to Scarlet when she is going to ask Mister Ashley for the tax you already knew that.) Finally one day I sat down to watch it and realized I had reached my limit. I haven't watched it now for about 5 years but I saw it in your profile and got that old urge back. I may just dust off my video of it and watch it again.

Have a great day!

Alene said...

You continue to bless many. Thanks for being so authentic and real. Blessings girl!

Joyfulsister said...

Hi Tammy..
Because of all that I have gone through as a teenage mom and other trials along this journey of life, I could have easily used what happened to me in such a negative way, but when I became a woman of God I know he didn't allow me to go through so many things for me to just sit on them and move on with life. I know know that all things work together for good to those who love him and are called according to "HiS"purpose. So that is how I became involve in various programs for women from Teens to seniors. we all can make a difference with what we have experienced. I believe you are there at the center for such a time as this, beause you have so much to offer to these girls and young women. As for your relationship with your daughter I found that alot of my issues with my own daughter had to do with me not being able to face my own insecurities and places where I still needed healing. I needed to realize she was her own person and my past mistakes were mine to deal with not hers. I had to trust the Lord that he would guide her and I left her in his hands. Today we can talk with so much love , honesty, and she is assured I love her for who she is and for her own originality, she is an awesome young lady today.
Blessinsg Lorie