Thursday, May 8, 2008

My Secret Sin

Life has been busy. You know the everyday stuff along with 2 birthdays and anniversary (my husband and I have been married 21 years today!). I have thought about writing but somehow other things have taken priority. So, I'm just going to do it... Write.

I have mentioned before about volunteering at a crisis pregnancy center. About a year ago, I was asked to be the program coordinator for the abortion recovery. Now if you had told me that this is where God would have me serving, I would had said "You're crazy." I never thought that I would be helping other women in revealing their "secret sin." Why would I do that? Maybe because I knew what it is like to go through life thinking you can live with this secret... he would have been 18 in July.

I can still remember the day that I walked into the clinic, asking God to forgive me, believing that this was the only answer. No, I wasn't a desperate teenager, my whole life ahead of me college student, a single mom or a married woman who had an affair. I was married and it was my husband baby but to us the timing wasn't right and our marriage was rocky. I won't touch on every detail that happened that day but when I walked out of that clinic my life was different. At the time I couldn't have put my finger on it, I just knew that I had left a piece of me behind.

For the next 10 years life was a blur and I had feelings of anger that I could not explain. It didn't make sense;I was a Christian who was somewhat involved in the church. I was still married and about 2 years after the abortion we had a beautiful little girl.
The day that she was born I told myself "I'm going to be the best Mom in the world" and for awhile I was. But something happen along the way, I became withdrawn, I heard a voice in my mind that reminded me of that November day back in 1989. It said " You killed your other child and then you went an had another one, you fool." I know "kill " is such a strong word and to hear that it just made me feel that I could never be the mom that she desired. I didn't know back then, but the enemy will do or say anything to make us feel ashamed and worthless.

Life seemed to be getting darker but I continued to pray hoping to get some answers to my questions... "Why can't I be like the other mothers?" "Why does she seem to hate me?" "What am I doing wrong?" "Why can't I get close to her?" My heart was breaking for all I wanted was to love her.

I know now that God was listening. That he was being ever so gentle with me. He began to heal the wound that had gone deep, so deep that layers of skin had grown over it but it was still infected.
One Sunday at church there was an invitation for a bible study for women who had an abortion, that was the first nudge. I signed up, hoping no one would see my name...

To follow the complete story click on labels:abortion or My Secret Sin

10 comments:

Alene said...

Tammy - thank you so much for sharing. The enemy loves to hold our secrets over us - he has the power then. When we release that secret God begins to heal and restore and use us to minister to others. WOW - thanks for helping others now. May God bless you as you reach out to others.

Shanita Waters said...

Thank you so much for sharing. We are overcomers not only by the blood of the lamb but also but the WORDS of our testimony. I truly believe that other women will be saved, delivered, and set free knowing that they too can be reconciled back to God after taking the same route. I pray that god will continue to bless you and your ministry.

Lisa A. Shaw said...

Tammy,

For lack of a better word, I was moved by your testimony that in many ways parrallels mine from my twenties (single mother of a 3 yr old daughter, married one yr and became pregnant and ALLOWED FEAR to over ride my FAITH is how I will put it). There is much I want to say and share with you but I will say that sharing with other women and couples about CHOOSING LIFE is very important to me and showing compassion towards those who did not and helping them to find forgiveness, healing and wholeness in Christ is equally important.

I would like to stay in touch with you as I live in Orlando and have felt it upon my heart HEAVILY this year especially during this election to SPEAK more openly about my testimony. As a Servant-Leader I always shared in the circles God put me in and with the people He led me to share with and I believe He is NOW expanding the terriority and I ask for your prayers if you would as I take the next step here in Orlando to reach more people especially in the CHURCHES where more abortions are being done then people realize and more pain and shame, guilt and confusion is going on as a result of this "secret sin".

God bless you Tammy. I will be returning often to read your blogs. Stay encouraged in the Ministry work God has assigned you.

Your sister in Christ,
Lisa

Lori said...

Hey Tammy,
I know...I understand what it feels like. I also know the saving grace of Jesus! I so appreciate you, and the PAS Ministry. I was a volunteer counselor (or Client Advocate) for 5 years at my local CPC, but had to stop for health reasons. Good post!
Keep letting women know they can be free. God bless!

Power Up Love said...

Tammy,

This is my first time to your site. I followed you over from the comments you left behind on, Bennie’s blog, Extended Hope. This is part of the comment I posted on her site.

At age 16, I was a scared, confused, and selfish male who encouraged a girl that I loved to go through an abortion. Me of all people how could I; I was given life by my birth mother who loved me so much…that she gave me up for adoption.

There is so much comfort and hope in the stories of Christian women who have been through the painful experience of abortion knowing there’s a new life born in you, by the blood of your unborn children and through the blood of Jesus. It’s comforting to know that, the deaths of unborn children, is what ultimately has lead many Christ. Knowing this…these children did not die in vain. Their lives today through your new life in Christ will help bring new life to a hurting world, and the many others contemplating the path of abortion.

Would you please allow me to repost, “My Secret Sin” www.PowerUpLove.com?

Mary Moss said...

Tammy, thank you for the courage you display in sharing your story. God is using you in some very powerful ways.

I will continue to pray that your words reach those who need to hear them.

Cheri said...

Tammy,

It takes great courage to be so transparent and real, and I applaud you for that. God is going to use you in a mighty, mighty way!

My husband and I founded Glass House Ministries in December of 2008. The purpose of our ministry is one of prayer and encouragement. Rather than try and explain it all here, if you are interested in knowing more, you can read about it here on our blog: http://glasshouseministries.blogspot.com/2009/08/just-what-is-glass-house-ministries.html

We'll be joining you in prayer to see abortion and its pain brought to an end.

Blessings,
Cheri

Just Be Real/God Whispers In The Wind said...

Tammy, thank you for sharing and being real.

uza dortor said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Nicole Montgomery said...

Thank. You.