Life has been busy. You know the everyday stuff along with 2 birthdays and anniversary (my husband and I have been married 21 years today!). I have thought about writing but somehow other things have taken priority. So, I'm just going to do it... Write.
I have mentioned before about volunteering at a crisis pregnancy center. About a year ago, I was asked to be the program coordinator for the abortion recovery. Now if you had told me that this is where God would have me serving, I would had said "You're crazy." I never thought that I would be helping other women in revealing their "secret sin." Why would I do that? Maybe because I knew what it is like to go through life thinking you can live with this secret... he would have been 18 in July.
I can still remember the day that I walked into the clinic, asking God to forgive me, believing that this was the only answer. No, I wasn't a desperate teenager, my whole life ahead of me college student, a single mom or a married woman who had an affair. I was married and it was my husband baby but to us the timing wasn't right and our marriage was rocky. I won't touch on every detail that happened that day but when I walked out of that clinic my life was different. At the time I couldn't have put my finger on it, I just knew that I had left a piece of me behind.
For the next 10 years life was a blur and I had feelings of anger that I could not explain. It didn't make sense;I was a Christian who was somewhat involved in the church. I was still married and about 2 years after the abortion we had a beautiful little girl.
The day that she was born I told myself "I'm going to be the best Mom in the world" and for awhile I was. But something happen along the way, I became withdrawn, I heard a voice in my mind that reminded me of that November day back in 1989. It said " You killed your other child and then you went an had another one, you fool." I know "kill " is such a strong word and to hear that it just made me feel that I could never be the mom that she desired. I didn't know back then, but the enemy will do or say anything to make us feel ashamed and worthless.
Life seemed to be getting darker but I continued to pray hoping to get some answers to my questions... "Why can't I be like the other mothers?" "Why does she seem to hate me?" "What am I doing wrong?" "Why can't I get close to her?" My heart was breaking for all I wanted was to love her.
I know now that God was listening. That he was being ever so gentle with me. He began to heal the wound that had gone deep, so deep that layers of skin had grown over it but it was still infected.
One Sunday at church there was an invitation for a bible study for women who had an abortion, that was the first nudge. I signed up, hoping no one would see my name...
To follow the complete story click on labels:abortion or My Secret Sin