Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Tuesday Testimony

Today is Transparent Tuesday over at Tracy’s Transparent Life, where telling your testimony could help change someone’s life. I’m sure God has done something amazing in your life, so won’t you come and join us?
Many of you have read my story (God's Story) but for those of you that might be new, please read without judgment or condemnation. To get the whole story start here:
January 6.

Trusting God is not easy for us humans especially when we think we have all the answers. So, why would I trust Him now, maybe because my life wasn't going so well? I was tired of being against my husband instead of being for him. I hated the depression that had invaded my life. I became exhausted wandering into the night life looking for love in all the wrong places. I so desperately wanted to be that "mommy" who sat on the park bench and enjoyed the laughter of her little girl. Yes, I was ready to give in,to trusting God.

It started out slow. First it was submitting to His will and not mine, to love my husband the way God loved him, unconditionally. It wasn't easy but that’s were trusting God comes in, to show us that the impossible is possible. Little by little things began to change. My mind was being renewed and my life was transforming. I was now starting to live the life that He had planned for me, the plan that He had set in place before my very first breath. But I still had one small corner of my heart that I didn't want anyone to see, not even God. I feared judgment. In my mind, I believed that if I kept my "choice" at a distance and hidden, I would avoid the memories of that rainy day on November 12, 1989.

I thought I had dealt with my abortion. I had gone through all the steps of the Forgive and Set Free bible study. Week after week I turned the pages that revealed truth to me. Yet, my actions and words of anger that came out of my mouth towards my daughter was still there. Why?

There were times when we would talk for hours about God, school, girlfriends and even boys. She would share with me her everyday struggles, her dreams and fears. On those special days love would fill the air and I would say to myself "today I will be the mommy she needs for the rest of her life." It was those moments that made the rest of our relationship so confusing. Confusing? Because in my heart I felt hatred, please forgive me for using such a strong word and for what I'm about to share with you but I need to be totally honest.

It was a September morning in 2006. My daughter who like must teenage girls was having a "moment." It always seemed that our mornings would end in an argument because of one thing or another. But this day turned out to be one of our darkest moments. Our arguing had ended in a shouting match. We said some awful things to one another and I was determined to break her. I remember watching her as she stepped up into the bus with her eyes looking at the floor and tears rolling down her face. As soon as the bus pulled away, this feeling of victory came over me. I said to myself "I'm glad she's hurting." I had put her in her place. It’s a place were I wouldn't be able to hold her, to love her and in time a place were she would forget that I was ever her mother.

Walking back to the car feelings of guilt, shame and condemnation came over me. I slipped behind the wheel and in my head I heard “shame on you." I began to cry uncontrollably. As I was driving home I could feel this spirit of darkness sitting next to me, waiting for just the right moment to devour me. I had been there before; I knew what it felt like to be depressed. I cried "God, please help me, I don't want to go back there again.” As I was trying to catch my next breath, I was sure that this time God wouldn't hear my cry.

The phone started to ring as I opened the front door and when I answered it, my friend, Dorothy was on the other end. She said "God pressed on my heart to give you a call, are you ok?" I thought to myself, “He heard me.” Here I was someone who was so undeserving yet God continued to love and woo me.
That day I spent reading God's Word. I was searching for answers to my feeling of hatred. My prayer to God was "Help me understand, I don't want to go back to that dark pit."

My daughter was a gifted from God and being her mom meant that loving her was to come natural...but I didn't know how.



Tracy said...

Tammy, I think you are more transparent than I am.. Wow... I do appreciate you being open and honest..

I can't wait to hear the rest...


LisaShaw said...

I continue to be FILLED as I read each part of your life testimony that truly reflects the love, mercy and grace of our LORD.

I also received your email. I'll definitely be in touch and thank you my friend.

Sherri Watt said...

So honest and shows the power of a God who cares.

Can't wait for the rest...

God Bless!

Paula (SweetPea) said...

As always, your story continues to be beautiful. I believe this portion must be in your testimony on your side bar as I remember reading this previously.

Darlene said...

Your story is heartbreaking and real and transparent with pain. Being a mother is THE hardest thing I have EVER done.

Tiffany Stuart said...

It's in these ugly moments God is the most ready to rescue us. I too have found that when my words and actions aren't in line with God's character, I need a deeper healing and sense of His presence. I am thankful for GOD stories like yours. HE IS BIG ENOUGH FOR OUR WORST MOMENTS. Thankful you are willing to open your heart up to us. You are His treasure!

May God continue to speak life over your wounds and restore your heart.

PS You are a good mom!

Anonymous said...

you have such a testimony...you never know how, or who this is going to touch...nor in what ways...I am so glad to see your willingness to share what God has done for you.

You have a strong testimony...one that many women can relate to, maybe not with the same circumstances...but at one time or another it seems we have all had these feelings.

I love God's mystery...
"this time God wouldn't hear my cry." and then he did and you heard him acknowledge you...

He hears you now too...keep up the works of the Lord.

God Bless You

Jill said...

I came to your blog from somewhere, I don't even remember any more as I have just kept reading and reading. Thank you for sharing - I have been touched by your story. God continues to amaze with his power, strength and love. thank you for letting him do that thru you. I have been blessed, Jill

Jill said...

I came to your blog from somewhere, I don't even remember any more as I have just kept reading and reading. Thank you for sharing - I have been touched by your story. God continues to amaze with his power, strength and love. thank you for letting him do that thru you. I have been blessed, Jill

HIS Daughter said...

I am so glad you are choosing to serve GOD with an unveiled face. If we do not, then other women who are hurting and needing a Savior will think they can't belong to the "club of the good women".

You know that not many of the women who followed Jesus were the good women...they were probably half and half and HE didn't appear to care..HE loved them all with HIS grace and mercy.

I know that feeling of butting heads with a daughter that wants to control you and they are so strong willed they will not let up.

I want to be a part of testimony Tuesday, but I'm going to take awhile to write all of mine out.
It's more of a book. But I pray that GOD will allow me to be as authentic as you are!

Blessings and prayers,