Tuesday Testimony

Today is Transparent Tuesday over at Tracy’s Transparent Life, where telling your testimony could help change someone’s life. I’m sure God has done something amazing in your life, so won’t you come and join us?
Many of you have read my story (God's Story) but for those of you that might be new, please read without judgment or condemnation. To get the whole story start here: January 6.

Trusting God is not easy for us humans especially when we think we have all the answers. So, why would I trust Him now, maybe because my life wasn't going so well? I was tired of being against my husband instead of being for him. I hated the depression that had invaded my life. I became exhausted wandering into the night life looking for love in all the wrong places. I so desperately wanted to be that "mommy" who sat on the park bench and enjoyed the laughter of her little girl. Yes, I was ready to give in,to trusting God.



It started out slow. First it was submitting to His will and not mine, to love my husband the way God loved him, unconditionally. It wasn't easy but that’s were trusting God comes in, to show us that the impossible is possible. Little by little things began to change. My mind was being renewed and my life was transforming. I was now starting to live the life that He had planned for me, the plan that He had set in place before my very first breath. But I still had one small corner of my heart that I didn't want anyone to see, not even God. I feared judgment. In my mind, I believed that if I kept my "choice" at a distance and hidden, I would avoid the memories of that rainy day on November 12, 1989.

I thought I had dealt with my abortion. I had gone through all the steps of the Forgive and Set Free bible study. Week after week I turned the pages that revealed truth to me. Yet, my actions and words of anger that came out of my mouth towards my daughter was still there. Why?

There were times when we would talk for hours about God, school, girlfriends and even boys. She would share with me her everyday struggles, her dreams and fears. On those special days love would fill the air and I would say to myself "today I will be the mommy she needs for the rest of her life." It was those moments that made the rest of our relationship so confusing. Confusing? Because in my heart I felt hatred, please forgive me for using such a strong word and for what I'm about to share with you but I need to be totally honest.

It was a September morning in 2006. My daughter who like must teenage girls was having a "moment." It always seemed that our mornings would end in an argument because of one thing or another. But this day turned out to be one of our darkest moments. Our arguing had ended in a shouting match. We said some awful things to one another and I was determined to break her. I remember watching her as she stepped up into the bus with her eyes looking at the floor and tears rolling down her face. As soon as the bus pulled away, this feeling of victory came over me. I said to myself "I'm glad she's hurting." I had put her in her place. It’s a place were I wouldn't be able to hold her, to love her and in time a place were she would forget that I was ever her mother.

Walking back to the car feelings of guilt, shame and condemnation came over me. I slipped behind the wheel and in my head I heard “shame on you." I began to cry uncontrollably. As I was driving home I could feel this spirit of darkness sitting next to me, waiting for just the right moment to devour me. I had been there before; I knew what it felt like to be depressed. I cried "God, please help me, I don't want to go back there again.” As I was trying to catch my next breath, I was sure that this time God wouldn't hear my cry.

The phone started to ring as I opened the front door and when I answered it, my friend, Dorothy was on the other end. She said "God pressed on my heart to give you a call, are you ok?" I thought to myself, “He heard me.” Here I was someone who was so undeserving yet God continued to love and woo me.
That day I spent reading God's Word. I was searching for answers to my feeling of hatred. My prayer to God was "Help me understand, I don't want to go back to that dark pit."

My daughter was a gifted from God and being her mom meant that loving her was to come natural...but I didn't know how.