Tuesday, August 19, 2008

I wonder...

To follow this story start with: My Secret Sin 5/08/08

Many years after my abortion, I tried not to wonder what kind of life my child would have experienced. Why wonder? It wouldn’t have changed anything. I had looked at my circumstance as a roadblock and the only way around it was to walk up to the clinic and opened that door. On that day,I decided to place myself first and for me to trust God…well, it seemed impossible.

I’m sure God had spoken truth to me before but at the kitchen table that day it was overwhelming, because I was exhausted from running and searching for the next best place to hide. So there I stood, completely clothed in filthy rags and filled with shame. I was finally willing to hold my baby, to see him as a child of God and not just a situation. As I drew him close to my heart the rags fell and was replaced with a cloth of righteousness.The shame pored out of me like a floodgate opening up to a river of grace.

I was broken and restore as I laid my burden at the cross. My Jesus took the shame, anger, guilt and bitterness I had carried for years and spoke these words “Now give it to me, don’t pick this up again but turn around, walk away and live.” I could feel the weight being lifted off of my shoulders as I handed Him my burden…once again. But this time it was different, this time I completely trusted Him to take what the enemy meant for evil and use it to His glory! I had finally stopped trying to forgive myself and I started embracing the forgiveness of Jesus.

I could now begin to wonder….

So…I wonder,what my relationship would have been like with my daughter today, if God hadn’t spoken truth into my heart two years ago. I wonder,if I had refused to let God unlock the door to the room in my heart that was meant for my unborn child, how would I be serving Him today?I wonder,what my life would have been like if I had kept my secret to myself…would I’ve continued to carried my burden standing upright so everyone around wouldn’t suspect the choice I had made on November 12, 1989.

I’m not much of a poet but God laid these words on my heart that day .

I Wonder
I wonder… if you would’ve had your father’s eyes.
I wonder… if you would’ve had your mother’s hair.
I wonder… if you would’ve been tall, short, meek or strong.

I wonder,what foods you would’ve liked, what books you would’ve read, what dreams you would’ve accomplished.

I wonder… Christian Daniel

10 comments:

Ashley Vincent said...

my goodness Aunt Tammy, your poem made me cry. It was really good. I love the story. I love you being so open and honest. Thanks for sharing

Ashley

Edie said...

Hi Tammy - I came by to thank you for stopping by my blog and signing my guestbook. This was a very beautiful post. I understand and can relate to the heart here. Thank you for your willingness to be transparent.

My ADHD Me said...

You are so honest. Thank you for sharing your story.
You know God has forgiven you all your sins....aren't we lucky he's so patient with us!
In your post you sound so sad. Have you forgiven yourself? Surely if God can wipe the slate clean then he wants you to do the same and to be happy.
Perhaps I am way off, and if I am, please forgive me.

Chatty Kelly said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chatty Kelly said...

One day you will stand in heaven before God, and he will say to you "Tammy, here is your child." I truly believe you will be reunited, and you will experience tangible forgiveness from your Father, and your child. I believe it Tammy.

And hopefully you are changing lives with your story. Both healing those who have experienced the same hurt, and perhaps changing the mind of someone considering a similar choice.

God bless you.

(I deleted my previous comment and reposted it - it had so many typos it was unclear. Sorry).

Beloved MaMa said...

Thank you for telling your story. It is important for everyone to hear!

Vikki said...
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Vikki said...

I was ok....until you named him

Thank you for writing about this. I'm glad I found your blog. I am dealing with so many things lately, including an abortion. Only I blocked mine out for many years and I don't know when it was (except approx 10yrs ago, give or take a year). I don't know what time of year it was, or whether my baby was a boy or girl. SO many loose ends. Some days I feel God is so close, I know I am forgiven and yet then some days I know I am so far from closure.

Carol said...

I found your blog through the Write From the Heart, joining the new study on Behind The Eye's.

I know God led me to you, because I've had similar experience that God's been working on healing with me. Thank you for your transperency, and having the courage to follow God's leading to share your story.

Carol

Paula (SweetPea) said...

Wonder poem.

Aahhh...you named him. You not only held him and faced him but you named him too.

You are precious!