Tuesday, February 3, 2009

I'm Forgiven

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Forgiveness. It was something I desperately want from my children, yet to afraid to tell them the truth. There was so many times I wanted to reveal my secret sin, but I wasn’t sure if my children would ever forgive me. It’s hard to describe the fear of rejection, I’m sure you’ve all been there one time or another. For me, it was to think "what if" I was to expose my secret, would my children walk away one by one? What if the next time they looked into my eyes they would realize the person they once knew, wasn’t really that person at all.

But they didn’t.

They had questions…I answered. They had ‘what ifs’…we dreamed together.

After revealing my secret to my children, my heart was still troubled. There were still times of uncertainty as a Christian leader and being a volunteer at the pregnancy crisis center. I even
continued in my struggle to reach out to my daughter. Yet ,God constantly reached out to me. He was persistent. He never left me, but directed me to what would later be just another step closer to my secret sin.

My days’ volunteering at the center was causing my heart to be broken, to be filled with compassion. I must confess, at times it seemed hard for me to reach out to women, who just like me, had made the same bad choices. But there I was every week at the center surrounded by the very thing that caused my heart to turn to stone. Week after week I would see the pain and desperation on the faces of the women who came looking for answers. It seemed like every time I was there, I would be asked to do a pregnancy test for someone waiting to find out the answer to her future.

I know now, that God was drawing me to a place of total healing. I knew that it was where God wanted me. I wasn’t there to make a decision for them on what to do next with the information that they had received. But I was there to share the truth, to share my story with these women.

As I got more comfortable revealing my past to the women at the center, God started to nudge me yet again, to share my story, but this time with a larger audience. He wanted me to share with the teens in our youth group at church. It had been sometime since I had visited the youth group because my daughter, on more then one occasion, made it known that it was her time to be an individual but that night I decided to step over the line. I told her that I just wanted to check it out and promised that I wouldn’t humiliate her. At the end of worship,the youth pastor began talking about some of the subjects that would be shared in the upcoming weeks and one of them was on abortion.
Immediately I thought, I know all too well about that subject. Could it be another nudge from God?

Tammy

10 comments:

Beth in NC said...

Oh Tammy! I am so proud of you! And I know your story will have a great impact on those kids. I pray your daughter will give you her blessing in sharing your testimony.

Love!
Beth

Pam said...

Thank you for sharing that
Tammy,it is encouraging to know that through your pain God is using it to help and reach out to others. I like how you said it wasn't up to you to make a decision for them, but to tell them the truth. Have you found that the more you speak up, the freer you get, and the softer your heart becomes? Do you think hiding it causes our heart to become like stone?

LisaShaw said...

Again, our Abba Father through Jesus Christ has used you to touch my heart in an incredible way.

Your heart to help us and others is amazing and very appreciated.

My prayer is that MANY will come to read/hear your story and their hearts will be drawn to Christ. Amen!

Love you.

Bonnie said...

Hi Tammy! Leaving you some quick love and letting you know I enjoyed this message. How I can relate to those feelings!

There is no doubt deliverance in our testimonies, any way you look at it!

My love,
Bonnie
extendedhope.com

Bonnie said...

One other thing! Through you, I found abort73! I have been wowed-great site! Didn't want to miss thanking you for the lead.

Bonnie
extendedhope.com

Jody said...

There are many times in our life regardless of the circumstance or where we find ourselves, that God will nudge us sometimes push us out of our comfort zone.

Chatty Kelly said...

Thanks for listening to God's nudges. :-)

Edie said...

God is using you to save lives and help others Tammy. If just one person would have offered me emotional support instead of judgement, one more life would have been saved.

God bless you my friend.

Carol said...

Hi Tammy,

I've been following your story, your courage inspires me. I love you.

Wanted you to know that I'm still here too. Thanks for the love you send.

Carol

Darlene said...

I am so honored and blessed to witness a woman of obedience. He is using you, your pain, and your baby... to heal others. I adore your heart, brave one. All for Him....

Darlene