Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Yes to God on Tuesdays

For all of us,along with our wonderful host Lilea, who have been reading this book ‘Behind Those Eyes’ by Lisa Whittle, we are finding truth with every turning page. Some of us have heard God’s whisper, while others have needed a little bit bolder approach like flashing neon lights, to go along with the whispers of God’s voice. No matter how God is speaking to all of us, isn’t it wonderful He loves us so much to never leave us where we are.

All purple highlighted is out of Lisa’s book.

As you read this post or ones before it, you will find that I hid my identity and pretended I could control whatever came along. So, in the next half of my life I’ve decided to be honest with God and you…isn’t that what this book is all about? Getting to know who is 'Behind Those Eyes'…right? Well, for the last several days my mind has been debating on what I should write about in this chapter.

It was this paragraph in Lisa’s book that jumped out at me: The idea of making one's own decisions about her body and what to do with it is an idea Ms. Confidence highly esteems. Making decisions about your own body seems like the epitome of confidence. It has become a gender-empowering thing in or society to own our sexuality and form a kind of identity around doing what we want to do."

You see, when I look into the mirror, I see a woman who is aging, a place I never thought I would be. If I told you I wasn’t afraid of growing old, I would be lying. I have always relied on my looks to get me were I thought I needed to go.
Thinking back to my years of growing up, I wanted to be just like my dance teacher. She was so beautiful, like a full size Barbie doll with the finest clothes, jewelry and a charisma about her that would make heads turn when she enter a room. So, from the time I was a teen to my 45th year of life, I was Ms. Confidence, the woman who was so unapproachable yet desperately wanted your friendship.

My life was heading to a place where nothing was going to stop me from being important. Even if it meant I would end up destroying lives, a marriage and falling into the arms of a stranger(s), all because Ms. Confidence was telling me I could make it happen.

Well, I made it happen. I gave away the most precious gift God gave me at a young age because I was confident that my beauty would keep him and him and him…

Reading Ms. Confidence, I could totally relate to…been there,done that.

My first marriage, (yep, my first marriage) Ms. Confidence decided she needed to tag along. She would encourage me to be a WOMAN and to make sure that my husband knew that I didn’t need him to survive. She also convinced me if this marriage didn’t work out, I could be certain that some else would come along. I played right into her hand, my marriage ended after 10 years and standing by my side was my 4 year old son waving goodbye to his ….daddy.

My career as a dance teacher was my life. I had seen how a CONFIDENT woman worked the room and received approval from the world. I had watched how she would walk pass a mirror to gaze at her beauty, then turn towards me as if to say “You want to be just like me when you grow-up, don’t you?”

I became that confident woman just like my dance teacher. I worked countless hours along with compromising values and demand the approval from the world. My life was spinning out of control. Life was about me, it always had been.

I needed to put an end to the relationship that I was having with Ms. Confidence because if I didn’t…I would destroy my second marriage and my daughter would be standing by my side waving goodbye to her …daddy.

Then I read another statement Lisa made…True confidence comes from only one source—an inside Source—and it cannot be brought, sold, put on or manufactured.
I thought of another woman I once knew who had the quality of this statement. Anyone who might have met her would say, “She had all the confident in the world”.

No, she didn’t wear the finest clothes, her only jewelry was her wedding band and on her face she wore a smile. I never gave it much thought in my younger years, how this woman would spend so much time reading at the feet of Jesus and less time looking into a mirror. Everyday I would watch as the words she was reading would come to life in her heart. She had the confidence that not even Ms. Confidence, herself, would ever achieve. She found the secret to full happiness (which I believe is our next chapter…Ms. Happiness) and that only God could be her ‘inside Source’. No matter what life handed her, she always received it with open arms because she knew God was her purpose for living not for man’s approval.

God has done amazing things in my life since I have allowed Him to clear out the corners of my heart. My marriage has been renewed, my secret sin has been forgiven, and my daughter has a mommy who loves her and my son has watched how God has taken this self-centered woman to being a God-centered worshipper.

I want my life to end just like the woman who sat at Jesus’ feet every morning, as I would walk by.
She was a woman who feared God…she was my Mom.

8 comments:

Lisa said...

Dear Tammy...
Oh my. I am moved by this post.

Thank you for being real and sharing TRUTH. Thank you for waiting until you were ready to post. I loved how you took our hands and showed us two different pictures of confidence in these two very different women. I love how you were real and honest about how your view of confidence was distorted. So many women share that view, even today.

God is truly working in your heart, and I can hear it in this post. Thank you, Tammy...and thank you, God!

Lisa :)

Carol said...

Dear Tammy,

I'm all teary eyed reading your post, I lived my life for so long in such the same way. Thank you for being so open and truthful, and to show us how God can recreate who we are if we just give our will to Him.

Praise God for your mom too who modeled true confidence to you.

Love
Carol

Cindy said...

Tammy,
This is such a wonderful post. You are so real and honest. I love when I can hear a persons heart in their words.
Thank you for allowing God to work in you and to share it with us.
Cindy

Alene said...

Girl, I just love you. You are always so authentic and real. That's what we need out there in the world - real women with real truth! Thanks for being just that gal. Thanks for bringing to my mind the picture of my grandmother always sitting at the kitchen table wtih her Bible. Precious!!! May my children remember me the same and may they know where their confidence comes from. Blessings.

LynnSC said...

Hi Tammy,
As usual... your post moved me. You are so honest and real. Thanks so much for sharing your "real" with us.

God has done amazing things in your life... thanks for sharing them with us.
Lynn

rusty'swife said...

Tammy,

What an awesome, powerful, and humbling picture you painted with your words. When you spoke of the woman sitting at Jesus' feet, my mind went instantly to Mary of Bethany. To be that kind of woman is what I am aspiring to.

Sallye

Pamela (MrsJoeB) said...

Being real...living in truth. It is a humbling expereince to read everyones stories and to see where God has taken them. Your story is no exception. You have honored your mom but you my friend, you are an amazing women too!!

In his Graces~Pamela

Bonnie said...

Greetings Tammy. I am new to the blogging world, and I was so delighted to discover your blog. I had recently been praying that I would be lead to others who are pursuing the same passion as I, to see others healed and whole....and then I found you! God is so good! I am also post-abortive and, have too, worked many years in a CPC as a PAS counselor & director. I have not read all of your postings, but enough to recognize a kindred spirit. Keep up the great work.

Sincerely,
Bonnie
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