Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Yes to God on Tuesday

Thank you for dropping by and joining me with our host Lelia, who is leading us through an online bible study. The author Lisa Whittle whose book we are using is titled “Behind Those Eyes” so that we, as women would desire to go deeper in to our souls and not hide ‘behind those eyes.’ I put whatever I have taken from the book in purple.

Seeing we are dealing with being authentic which means not being a counterfeit, I have to make a confession. I know what you’re thinking…already? Yes, I have struggled for the last two days trying to write and rewrite something profound but every time I'd put it on paper, it just didn’t seem right. Now here my confession, I read many wonderful, creative blog sites and each time I shut down the computer my desire is to write just like the authors. There I said it. You all write so beautifully and your words just flow together. I wasn’t at the top of my English class and up until about year ago I never had a desire to write even a thank you note. After going to bed I started my nightly conversation with God, telling him I was frustrated and wondered if once again,was I pretending to be someone else. Did I join this online bible study because there need's to be another dose of truth spoken to me or did I just want to be popular...again.

So, this morning I got up early and opened up Lisa’s book hoping something would jump out at me, all the while seeking God to speak to my heart and to my surprise, He did. Why are we always surprise when God does something? Anyway, I know I had read this sentence before there on page 16, at the end of the first paragraph Judas pretended to love Jesus, but in fact, he loved no one but himself. Here’s what I started to ponder…Did Judas start out that way? Maybe at first he really wanted to be in ministry with Jesus or was he just pretending? When did he take is eyes off from Jesus and looked towards the world?

Let me say this right up front,I don't ever want to be like Judas,again.

I want my story to be…God’s story. My life up until about 10 years ago was one big make- believe, pretending to be someone else.
I was even a pretender in my childhood not because I lived in a bad situation, absolutely not. As a matter of fact I felt very special because I was adopted by a great couple, but I always wanted to be popular. I always needed to have the name-brand jeans, shoes and anything else that had to do with fashion. I never gave it much thought that my dad worked hard, from paycheck to paycheck to make ends meet. All I wanted was people to think I was someone else so they would be my friend. Pretending became a normal part of my life. So normal, that it followed me into my adulthood and I became known as Miss Tammy. It's a title given to you when you become an instructor in the world of dance from your students. I played the part quite well. Trying to be who I thought I should be instead of who God wanted me to be was draining me of my self-worth, pretending was destroying my marriage. I was spending money I didn’t have, my son from my first marriage, yes I was a pretender there too, was being forgotten because I only had time for those I wanted to be my friend..you know, the important people. I had no room for another child so I made a choice that would haunt me for years. Toward the end of my make-believe world I was being drawn into Satan's trap, just like Judas.


I don’t want to be a pretender; I have lived in the world of make-believe and pretended to be someone I wasn’t but now my eyes are on Jesus,I want to be real, authentic and live His truth from the inside out. After reading the first chapter, I still feel pretty comfortable with myself but my prayer is that feeling of comfort won’t last long. I want to have everything that is preventing God from using me far beyond what I could ever image to be removed. I want the truth to be spoken by Him and if my blogging friends have something to say, I want that too.

I know God has chosen once again, at this appointed time, to reveal to me the truth. Lord, I’m ready...

12 comments:

Lisa said...

Oh, Tammy. I hear you, I hear you, I hear you. First, thank you for speaking truth about what I think every blogger thinks about and wants...to write something beautiful and profound to try to keep up with all the great writers out there! We know that's not what it's about...but still...it's there. Thank you for bringing that out in the open and exposing it for what it is.

And...thank you for being honest about how pretending was destroying your marraige. That is another unspoken thing among married women, but it is just the truth. When you read a little further on in the Ms. Confidence chapter, I tell alot on myself about that.

And...thank you for being brave enough to ask God to not keep you comfortable. I tell you, Tammy, comfort zones are where we get in the most trouble as a Christian. Because there, we don't live a life fully committed to truth because we don't require that of ourselves. You have made the point of chapter one so beautifully with this post. Now you've given ME something to think about!
Lisa :)

Edie said...

I can really realate to not being able to write very well. I have a very hard time articulating my thoughts both in speaking and in writing. Whenever I try to write it takes a long time becasue I keep going back and restructuring the sentence. Ugh!

You're transparency is awesome. Beign *real* is hard for all of us at times so I know that it took a lot to write this post. God will use it.

Clearly you love the Lord and are ready for His next lesson for you on this journey. Now that you've asked you can be sure He will answer.

Pat said...

Tammy, How refreshing to hear someone say what I was thinking after I posted by blog and starting reading the others, I felt so inadequate. I was never a writing or speller but have always been a reader. I know I going to enjoying getting to know you during this Study. Thank you for sharing how you felt and being honest about pretending. This morning on my way to work after have read every ones post the song from the 60's came to mine "The Great Pretender" and I thought how that is what I have been but don't want to be anymore.

Cricket said...

Tammy
I to pondered and re-read the same line. Judas pretended to love Jesus, but in fact, he loved no one but himself. And then I thought,"Who does this crazy lady think she is for making that kind of remark?"

She was right though. I dont think that Judas started out on his journey with Christ to deceive him. Christ knew from the beginning that he would, and that it would be with a kiss. Jesus knew that Judas was trying so hard to be authentic, he had too.

I really do think that Judas thought that he was doing the right thing...I think that Judas was deceived and didn't really understand what he was doing...I don't think he knew what the consequences of his action would be.

I think that he just thought that "The grass was greener on the other side." It was a moment in weakness. I could go on and on. The devil will crawl into whatever break in the fence we have and use it...not all of the time it will be obvious that it is the devil. He could use something shinny...like SILVER!!!

God bless you
Tessa

Liz said...

Tammy, Thank you for your touching post. I know exactly what you mean and I love your honest confession.
When I read the first chapter and it was time to post yesterday, I didn't want to. I did not have anything profound to say and I didn't want to pretend that I did! What kind of way to start a Bible Study on authenticity?! I was moved by what I read, but wasn't sure how to put it in words...the same thoughts entering my mind..."they all write so well, I don't want to post because I don't want anyone to read what I write." I posted anyway, and have enjoyed so much the things that I have read from others...right now I am listening.
I don't want to pretend. I don't want to pretend that I am a good writer, I don't want to pretend that I am perfect. I just don't want to pretend.
Thank you for your post. It touched my heart.

nothingcanseparateme said...

Tammy,

I love your sincere, REAL heart in this post!!

I will be back for more next week!

blessings from PA
Kim

HIS Daughter said...

Tammy,

GOD knows your heart and what you write is about you and HIM. If the HOLY SPIRIT guides you and searches you...then your writing is beautiful always...because it's real.

I was the Queen of make-believe and pretend from my earliest memories until 2 years ago. I had a counselor (non Christian) tell me that I never even had my own identity it was buried so deep into being who everyone wanted or needed for me.
Luckily for me at that time, I happened to be good at that. I was wonderful at being fake.

GOD wants all of you...HE gives all of HIMSELF that you hunger for....so lets just jump in the water and get rid of anything that holds us back. HE made us...HE knows us and that is the only one that will really ever matter!

Keep being real!!

Love and blessings,
Teri

Kim@Seasons of My Heart said...

I LOVE that you want your story to be God's story. How authentic is that!!!!

You've both encouraged me, as well as challenged me today. Thank-you for your honesty!!

Carol said...

Tammy, you echoed my same fears, I felt or a speller. Shoot I'm dreading the fact that my daughter will diagram scentences this year, and now I'm in a bible study that God's calling me to be authentic and will have to fess up that I have no idea what she's doing. Ahhh! I'm asking every day that God will teach me not to pass my great charade on to my daughter.

Sorry I digress. I love how you open your heart, I've read many parts of your blog over the last week or so, and your heart is so real. I'm so excited to do this study with you.

Carol

LynnSC said...

Hi Tammy,
I loved your thoughts. God is up to something big here... and I am so glad that I am on this journey with you and the other ladies.

Lynn

Nancy said...

I love your honesty and am so grateful you shared this. You are not alone dear friend. We all battle the temptation to be something we are not. It is a powerful tool of the enemy. I am glad you've decided to just be the wonderful person God created you to be!

Truth4thejourney said...

Tammy, You have a great heart! God is real in you and that shows. We are always second guessing ourselves. Are we good enough? Isn't there someone else who's better? Those types of thoughts are destructive. Because the undeniable truth is that GOD CALLED YOU! You are His child and He has a work for you to do.

May He reveal His plan to you!

God Bless,
Sonya