Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Reconciled

Start here for the full story.

Before I continue with my testimony about my abortion, I want you to know that it took me many years to be this transparent. I know that not everyone is comfortable or has been lead to reveal their sins so publicly and that’s OK. For years I would beat myself up for being so out-spoken, even my mother would say “If you what to know the truth, just go ask Tammy.”

Like the woman at the well who ran back to the village,the same place that marked her as an outcast, I too want others to know that when we finally embrace the truth, it is only then we can be free from our sins!

The house was quiet on the morning of October 2007. My husband was off to work and like every morning, I had just returned from dropping our daughter off at the bus stop. I grabbed my cup of coffee, my bible and notes that I had been working on for the last couple of weeks. I was preparing my testimony about the abortion for Wednesday night’s youth group at our church. I was now free to share my (our) story with the rest of the world, but I was still struggling with one small piece of my heart. My heart was still feeling empty and distance towards my daughter. Many times, I would hear the voice utter to me “A good mother would desire to have children, to nurture them, not destroy them.” The voice would then scream “You are such a fool, you killed one child in order to live YOUR life and then you turned around and had her.”

So, as I sat there at the kitchen table writing the last scripture into my testimony, I laid my pen down and bowed my head asking God once again “Why can’t I love my daughter?” “Why do I always push her away with the very hands I long to hold her with?” I was tired of asking these questions...why God was taking so long to answer. Didn’t He want me to be close to my daughter? Couldn't He see I was killing her, too?

My mind began to spin, thinking about all the words of anger, hatred and rejection that spewed out of my mouth. Words cutting deep into her soul, these words had started to build a wall between us and if our relationship continued down this path, she would fade away.I began to sob uncontrollably from the pain that was welling up inside of me. Lifting my head off the table, my eyes focused upwards and with a loud shout, I cried out “God, what is wrong with me?” “I know you have forgiven me and in my head I believe it’s true but my heart, it’s empty…why?” I wiped the tears from my face and placed my head on the kitchen table once again, but this time in complete surrender.


Within a few minutes, I felt His presence, call me crazy… but I knew He was there. His voice was so soft, like whisper, as He spoke my name. I lifted my head from the table and responded “What is it, Lord?” Then the words of truth came out of His mouth like a two-edged sword “You can’t love Sydney, until you love your aborted child.”


Why did the truth have to be so raw? I thought God was all about love...saying the truth in love isn’t it what we learn as Christians? I knew He was right, just like the woman at the well; I too, needed the truth spoken to me. I could see His arms reaching towards me and then I saw him, my child. “Go ahead,” God said “Hold him, you need to hold him.” God was speaking directly to my heart, for my heart had never held my baby.


At first I hesitated, if I held him it would mean my child just wasn’t about a bible study for the post-aborted woman or even words of how sorry I was for making this choice. By holding him, placed him next to my heart, a place I skillfully guarded for years. It would be the first time in 16 years I looked into the eyes of Jesus and saw His heart…not mine. He wanted me to love this child…the way He loved him. He wanted me to be free to embrace the life…he would have had. He wanted me to lay the burden of never physically holding him at the foot of the cross…to holding him in my heart.


I must take a moment to catch my breath; it’s a day I will always remember. It's the day I was reconciled back to God.


Tammy

18 comments:

Marsha said...

Oh Tammy! I so love this post! It speaks truth, as raw as it can be at times.

On occasion I have counseled women who have had abortions. Some of them, like you, now have children and struggle in their relationships with them and with their spouse.

I hope I'm not running ahead of you and your story here, but some things that I do with these women is have them name their child and speak to their child in some way. For some, they have written a letter to their aborted child expressing their remorse and the forgiveness they have found through Christ. Some have held one of my life like baby models, wrapped it in a blanket,cradled it in their arms and talked to their baby that way. Some have even told the child about their siblings. At the end of our post abortion Bible study and counseling, we always have a celebration service where the women can release their child to the Lord's care and keep. Sometimes we released balloons with messges inside. One woman wanted to do a butterfly release symbolizing her transformation, yet another time we released white doves (actually homing pidgeons that were banded with their message of love and release to their child).

I'm so blessed to know you via blogland!

LisaShaw said...

My breath escapes me as well as I think on the goodness, love and incredible mercy that our Lord has given to you, to me and to so many others who have fallen before Him broken and surrendered where His forgiveness, healing and wholeness can then step in to our weary, worried and at times tormented hearts. The abortion of your baby (and mine) was a time of torment that lasted for many years for both of us. I had to, like you, surrender my heart to Jesus time and again as the process (for some it may be instantaneous but for me it was YEARS of a process), of RECEIVING His forgiveness from my head to my heart, on to healing and then wholeness.

While the manifestations of our pain are very different as each person has their own unique story and experience, but our hearts are one in knowing that if it had not been for our LORD and His love we'd be in a dark place still...

Your words here say it all, "Like the woman at the well who ran back to the village,the same place that marked her as an outcast, I too want others to know that when we finally embrace the truth, it is only then we can be free from our sins!"

I love you.

Laura said...

Tammy,
I am so humbled by sharing this with you. What a precious gift you give us when you open your heart this way. I can't imagine how difficult this time must have been for you. He is redeeming those lost years, changing lives through your story.

Blessings.

Paula (SweetPea) said...

Wow...I think we all would need to catch our breath after reading this. Your testimony is so wonderful and powerful. I know I've said it with each of your posts but there's so much power here...God's power to restore, heal, free. Absolutely beautiful, Tammy.

Beth in NC said...

That is so beautiful Tammy! What a God we serve!!!

Cricket said...

God is so amazing isn't he!!!
Thanks for sharing.
Tessa

Edie said...

Oh Tammy, like Paula said, we all need to catch our breath. This is without a doubt a very hard testimony to reveal and relive. I am so thankful that you chose to listen and obey His voice. I am so glad to know you my friend. Love you.

Jody said...

Thank you Tammy for being so transparent. I pray that God will continue to hold you as you are reconciled to Him.
"Nevertheless, I am continually with you, you hold my right hand."
Psalm 73:23

JMBMOMMY said...

Wow, what an amazing day that had to be! Two of my closest friends just went through this process of learning to love their child and it really did bring healing. God's ways are so amazing.

Pam said...

That is exactly how I have felt, like I push away my children but at the same time long to love them. Gosh this is hard, and it feels like I am taking baby steps, but I do see the significance of letting my aborted children become real. The Lord is slowly getting me there. I also know not everyone can be transparent, but I am thankful for the people that are, because if it wasn't for people like you and others, I wouldn't be opening up like I am.

Jennifer said...

Hey Tammy...you have an award waiting for you, so come on over and pick it up.

Have a wonderful weekend!

sahala napitupulu said...

Hi Tammy,

This is first time I am stopping by. I like your blog and have linked to my blog. Happy Valentine Day. JBU.

lovingly : sahala napitupulu, jakarta

Debra said...

Tammy,

I don't have the verbage. I am mesmerized by our Lord though.

elaine @ peace for the journey said...

Getting real with our past takes a long season. I just spent the evening with my incredible bible study girls, talking with them about my recent post and how God is calling me to return to some of the pain from my past and bring the brokenness to the foot of the cross. The past 24 hours have been amazing for me since posting. It's too much to go into here, but I will tell you this...

I've had two distinct contacts from my past, one a high school friend and another a college professor that have found me via facebook...

what they wrote to me was profound and healing.

Only our God can do this. Only him. Praise his name. May he continue to bring you the healing work in your life that will further move you along toward his perfect purpose for your life.

Thanks for checking in.

peace~elaine

Tea With Tiffany said...

I look forward to reading your heart soon, but for now, stopping by to say thanks for your prayers.

God is good!
Love,
Tiffany

Dedicated Writer said...

You have been selected to receive the Premio Dardos award because I think your blog is worth recognition! If you accept, go to my blog and copy the rules to pass on to your awardees.

Happy blogging,
Tammy

Julie Gillies said...

Hi Tammy,

What a powerful post. I love how you qualify it by sharing that it took you a long time to become transparent. I needed to hear that.

I praise God for raising up mighty women with a strong testimony, because no devil in hell can stop them.

You go, girl!

sbent42 said...

I am speechless... How wonderful the grace of God is. Thank you for sharing your testimony Tammy. May the Lord continue to bless you as you continue to minister to other women who need to feel his precious grace too. God bless you and yours. Susan