Reconciled

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Before I continue with my testimony about my abortion, I want you to know that it took me many years to be this transparent. I know that not everyone is comfortable or has been lead to reveal their sins so publicly and that’s OK. For years I would beat myself up for being so out-spoken, even my mother would say “If you what to know the truth, just go ask Tammy.”

Like the woman at the well who ran back to the village,the same place that marked her as an outcast, I too want others to know that when we finally embrace the truth, it is only then we can be free from our sins!

The house was quiet on the morning of October 2007. My husband was off to work and like every morning, I had just returned from dropping our daughter off at the bus stop. I grabbed my cup of coffee, my bible and notes that I had been working on for the last couple of weeks. I was preparing my testimony about the abortion for Wednesday night’s youth group at our church. I was now free to share my (our) story with the rest of the world, but I was still struggling with one small piece of my heart. My heart was still feeling empty and distance towards my daughter. Many times, I would hear the voice utter to me “A good mother would desire to have children, to nurture them, not destroy them.” The voice would then scream “You are such a fool, you killed one child in order to live YOUR life and then you turned around and had her.”

So, as I sat there at the kitchen table writing the last scripture into my testimony, I laid my pen down and bowed my head asking God once again “Why can’t I love my daughter?” “Why do I always push her away with the very hands I long to hold her with?” I was tired of asking these questions...why God was taking so long to answer. Didn’t He want me to be close to my daughter? Couldn't He see I was killing her, too?

My mind began to spin, thinking about all the words of anger, hatred and rejection that spewed out of my mouth. Words cutting deep into her soul, these words had started to build a wall between us and if our relationship continued down this path, she would fade away.I began to sob uncontrollably from the pain that was welling up inside of me. Lifting my head off the table, my eyes focused upwards and with a loud shout, I cried out “God, what is wrong with me?” “I know you have forgiven me and in my head I believe it’s true but my heart, it’s empty…why?” I wiped the tears from my face and placed my head on the kitchen table once again, but this time in complete surrender.


Within a few minutes, I felt His presence, call me crazy… but I knew He was there. His voice was so soft, like whisper, as He spoke my name. I lifted my head from the table and responded “What is it, Lord?” Then the words of truth came out of His mouth like a two-edged sword “You can’t love Sydney, until you love your aborted child.”


Why did the truth have to be so raw? I thought God was all about love...saying the truth in love isn’t it what we learn as Christians? I knew He was right, just like the woman at the well; I too, needed the truth spoken to me. I could see His arms reaching towards me and then I saw him, my child. “Go ahead,” God said “Hold him, you need to hold him.” God was speaking directly to my heart, for my heart had never held my baby.


At first I hesitated, if I held him it would mean my child just wasn’t about a bible study for the post-aborted woman or even words of how sorry I was for making this choice. By holding him, placed him next to my heart, a place I skillfully guarded for years. It would be the first time in 16 years I looked into the eyes of Jesus and saw His heart…not mine. He wanted me to love this child…the way He loved him. He wanted me to be free to embrace the life…he would have had. He wanted me to lay the burden of never physically holding him at the foot of the cross…to holding him in my heart.


I must take a moment to catch my breath; it’s a day I will always remember. It's the day I was reconciled back to God.