Something Sweet

Last week Sydney decided she wanted to make cookies. She loves to bake and wants to go to college to become at pastry chef. I asked her if she want my help and she said"NO." So, I went an grabbed the camera.

All the ingredients has been added and mixed together. At this point I did help...a little.
TA da,they are ready to bake.
Boudie and Sadie can smell something good. They are sure hoping that this time they might get lucky. Sorry guys,I don't think so.
Waiting for them to cool. Can you tell who wanted to have the first one?
Sydney informing me that I was only allowed one cookie as we're striking that famous teenager pose.

Our Children Need Us!

Please join Jan, myself and many others cross this nation between February 28- March 1,2009 in the Red Envelope Campaign. Our voices must be heard on the issue of abortion, our children need us! Please pray and consider sending an red envelope to the White House:

President Barack Obama
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, D.C. 20500

Write the following message on the back of the envelope:: This envelope represents one child who died in abortion. It is empty because that life was unable to offer anything to the world. Responsibility begins with conception.

A Person is a Person no matter...

I was very impressed with this young lady views on abortion.The tape is about 5 minutes long,so if you got 5 minutes,I know you will be impressed too.

Reconciled

Start here for the full story.

Before I continue with my testimony about my abortion, I want you to know that it took me many years to be this transparent. I know that not everyone is comfortable or has been lead to reveal their sins so publicly and that’s OK. For years I would beat myself up for being so out-spoken, even my mother would say “If you what to know the truth, just go ask Tammy.”

Like the woman at the well who ran back to the village,the same place that marked her as an outcast, I too want others to know that when we finally embrace the truth, it is only then we can be free from our sins!

The house was quiet on the morning of October 2007. My husband was off to work and like every morning, I had just returned from dropping our daughter off at the bus stop. I grabbed my cup of coffee, my bible and notes that I had been working on for the last couple of weeks. I was preparing my testimony about the abortion for Wednesday night’s youth group at our church. I was now free to share my (our) story with the rest of the world, but I was still struggling with one small piece of my heart. My heart was still feeling empty and distance towards my daughter. Many times, I would hear the voice utter to me “A good mother would desire to have children, to nurture them, not destroy them.” The voice would then scream “You are such a fool, you killed one child in order to live YOUR life and then you turned around and had her.”

So, as I sat there at the kitchen table writing the last scripture into my testimony, I laid my pen down and bowed my head asking God once again “Why can’t I love my daughter?” “Why do I always push her away with the very hands I long to hold her with?” I was tired of asking these questions...why God was taking so long to answer. Didn’t He want me to be close to my daughter? Couldn't He see I was killing her, too?

My mind began to spin, thinking about all the words of anger, hatred and rejection that spewed out of my mouth. Words cutting deep into her soul, these words had started to build a wall between us and if our relationship continued down this path, she would fade away.I began to sob uncontrollably from the pain that was welling up inside of me. Lifting my head off the table, my eyes focused upwards and with a loud shout, I cried out “God, what is wrong with me?” “I know you have forgiven me and in my head I believe it’s true but my heart, it’s empty…why?” I wiped the tears from my face and placed my head on the kitchen table once again, but this time in complete surrender.


Within a few minutes, I felt His presence, call me crazy… but I knew He was there. His voice was so soft, like whisper, as He spoke my name. I lifted my head from the table and responded “What is it, Lord?” Then the words of truth came out of His mouth like a two-edged sword “You can’t love Sydney, until you love your aborted child.”


Why did the truth have to be so raw? I thought God was all about love...saying the truth in love isn’t it what we learn as Christians? I knew He was right, just like the woman at the well; I too, needed the truth spoken to me. I could see His arms reaching towards me and then I saw him, my child. “Go ahead,” God said “Hold him, you need to hold him.” God was speaking directly to my heart, for my heart had never held my baby.


At first I hesitated, if I held him it would mean my child just wasn’t about a bible study for the post-aborted woman or even words of how sorry I was for making this choice. By holding him, placed him next to my heart, a place I skillfully guarded for years. It would be the first time in 16 years I looked into the eyes of Jesus and saw His heart…not mine. He wanted me to love this child…the way He loved him. He wanted me to be free to embrace the life…he would have had. He wanted me to lay the burden of never physically holding him at the foot of the cross…to holding him in my heart.


I must take a moment to catch my breath; it’s a day I will always remember. It's the day I was reconciled back to God.

Are you hungry...yet?

Luke 15:16-17 (NLT)
The young man became so
hungry that even the pods he was feeding the pigs looked good to him. But no one
gave him anything. 17 “When he finally came to his senses, he said to
himself, ‘At home even the hired servants have food enough to spare, and here I
am dying of hunger!

A couple of weeks ago my son and I met for coffee. I always have the hope that one day, when we visit one another I will hear him say “Mom, I’m sick of this life, I’m ready to let Jesus take over.” But as I sat across from him with the scent of fresh brewed coffee in the air, our conversation was the same…life is unfair.

By the time I left I was heartbroken, once again. I must admit since my last post about this situation, my whining seem to be getting louder. My heart is always questioning God’s timing with…“How much longer before he will see his need for You?” After a few days, God lead me to read about the prodigal son, now I’ve read this many times before but this time I saw the word *senses*. Then this morning He showed me six other words *but no one gave him anything.*
I thought,could there have been people watching as this young man was eyeing the food that was given to the pigs. They must have known he was hungry,yet no one gave him anything. It was only then he remembered...home.

Now as far as being the mom who is always bailing her son out, that I’m not but I use to be. Still its very hard when you see your child struggle, no matter what the age, you just want to do whatever you can to make the pain go away. There are times I feel so guilty and unloving when I hear of his troubles and he knows I can help. But God has showed me, that right now I need to give him nothing that will please the flesh in order for him to come to his senses.

Sounds cruel, doesn’t it?
I've come to the understanding that Ryan needs to be like the prodigal son,who must become so full of himself that in time he will feel completely empty. Until then, Ryan’s senses, which were made to hear, see, taste and touch God’s presence, will be dead. I know its not going to be easy, but nothing is when God has asked you to step out of the way and let Him take over. I believe when the prodigal son left his father's home,the father's heart was broken and there was nothing the father could do but pray.

My heart is broken and I will continue to pray for my son. If this is something your dealing with, I would love to join with you in pray every week for your prodigal child (ren). There is nothing more powerful then a praying parent to bring down the strongholds of the enemy!

Father God,
I pray that You will continue to
protect Ryan until the day he surrenders to You.
May his ears listen for the
whisper of Your voice calling his name.
May his eyes get a glimpse of Your
glory.
May his mouth taste Your sweet promises of a life, that he once tasted
as a child.
May he reach out and touch the tip of You garment for his complete
healing.
And help me to patiently wait for the day of his homecoming.
Amen!

I'm Forgiven

Start here for the full story.

Forgiveness. It was something I desperately want from my children, yet to afraid to tell them the truth. There was so many times I wanted to reveal my secret sin, but I wasn’t sure if my children would ever forgive me. It’s hard to describe the fear of rejection, I’m sure you’ve all been there one time or another. For me, it was to think "what if" I was to expose my secret, would my children walk away one by one? What if the next time they looked into my eyes they would realize the person they once knew, wasn’t really that person at all.

But they didn’t.

They had questions…I answered. They had ‘what ifs’…we dreamed together.

After revealing my secret to my children, my heart was still troubled. There were still times of uncertainty as a Christian leader and being a volunteer at the pregnancy crisis center. I even

continued in my struggle to reach out to my daughter. Yet ,God constantly reached out to me. He was persistent. He never left me, but directed me to what would later be just another step closer to my secret sin.

My days’ volunteering at the center was causing my heart to be broken, to be filled with compassion. I must confess, at times it seemed hard for me to reach out to women, who just like me, had made the same bad choices. But there I was every week at the center surrounded by the very thing that caused my heart to turn to stone. Week after week I would see the pain and desperation on the faces of the women who came looking for answers. It seemed like every time I was there, I would be asked to do a pregnancy test for someone waiting to find out the answer to her future.

I know now, that God was drawing me to a place of total healing. I knew that it was where God wanted me. I wasn’t there to make a decision for them on what to do next with the information that they had received. But I was there to share the truth, to share my story with these women.

As I got more comfortable revealing my past to the women at the center, God started to nudge me yet again, to share my story, but this time with a larger audience. He wanted me to share with the teens in our youth group at church. It had been sometime since I had visited the youth group because my daughter, on more then one occasion, made it known that it was her time to be an individual but that night I decided to step over the line. I told her that I just wanted to check it out and promised that I wouldn’t humiliate her. At the end of worship,the youth pastor began talking about some of the subjects that would be shared in the upcoming weeks and one of them was on abortion.

Immediately I thought, I know all too well about that subject. Could it be another nudge from God?