To follow this story start with post: My Secret Sin 5/8/08
Well, it had been about two years since my bible study on Forgiven and Set Free. Things once again started to spin out of control, my husband and I decided to give our marriage one last ray of hope. We meet with a pastor that someone said could help us. My husband and I had already been to about 4 or 5 worldly counselors and they were as mixed-up as we were.We figured going to a pastor that he would have the answers to why this marriage wasn't working and if he didn't this marriage was over.
During that meeting, God spoke to my heart to trust Him and if I was willing, He would do the rest. I have to be honest I was scared, in my mind the big "what ifs" were floating around. Let's face it, I hadn't trusted Him up to this point in my life. If you looked at my history you would see that I had one failed marriage,another one about to fail and don't forget the secret...my abortion.
Then a thought came to me, could it be just that,I have never trusted Him?
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Saturday, May 10, 2008
I wanted to change
To follow this story, please read post: My Secret Sin 05/0 8/08
As I was going through the bible study it began to show me how I had rationalized my reasoning for the abortion. How I denied myself to grieve. How I was telling myself that God could never really forgive me, could He? The study took about 12 weeks and at the end I did feel better. My relationships were being mended; I started to feel a closeness with my daughter.
But I still had that "secret sin" hidden in my heart. I had told a my best friend the truth but everyone else thought I had a miscarriage, noticed how I added a lie to cover up my secret. Day by day things started getting tough again. The hate and anger started to seep back into my heart and I didn't know why. I tried so hard to love my daughter, to be the kind of mother she would be proud to call "mom." To a lot of people it's hard to understand, how could anyone feel that way? How could someone who calls themselves a "christian" show that much anger and say awful things about their own child. Believe me, I didn't understand but I so desperately wanted to....
As I was going through the bible study it began to show me how I had rationalized my reasoning for the abortion. How I denied myself to grieve. How I was telling myself that God could never really forgive me, could He? The study took about 12 weeks and at the end I did feel better. My relationships were being mended; I started to feel a closeness with my daughter.
But I still had that "secret sin" hidden in my heart. I had told a my best friend the truth but everyone else thought I had a miscarriage, noticed how I added a lie to cover up my secret. Day by day things started getting tough again. The hate and anger started to seep back into my heart and I didn't know why. I tried so hard to love my daughter, to be the kind of mother she would be proud to call "mom." To a lot of people it's hard to understand, how could anyone feel that way? How could someone who calls themselves a "christian" show that much anger and say awful things about their own child. Believe me, I didn't understand but I so desperately wanted to....
Thursday, May 8, 2008
My Secret Sin
Life has been busy. You know the everyday stuff along with 2 birthdays and anniversary (my husband and I have been married 21 years today!). I have thought about writing but somehow other things have taken priority. So, I'm just going to do it... Write.
I have mentioned before about volunteering at a crisis pregnancy center. About a year ago, I was asked to be the program coordinator for the abortion recovery. Now if you had told me that this is where God would have me serving, I would had said "You're crazy." I never thought that I would be helping other women in revealing their "secret sin." Why would I do that? Maybe because I knew what it is like to go through life thinking you can live with this secret... he would have been 18 in July.
I can still remember the day that I walked into the clinic, asking God to forgive me, believing that this was the only answer. No, I wasn't a desperate teenager, my whole life ahead of me college student, a single mom or a married woman who had an affair. I was married and it was my husband baby but to us the timing wasn't right and our marriage was rocky. I won't touch on every detail that happened that day but when I walked out of that clinic my life was different. At the time I couldn't have put my finger on it, I just knew that I had left a piece of me behind.
For the next 10 years life was a blur and I had feelings of anger that I could not explain. It didn't make sense;I was a Christian who was somewhat involved in the church. I was still married and about 2 years after the abortion we had a beautiful little girl.
The day that she was born I told myself "I'm going to be the best Mom in the world" and for awhile I was. But something happen along the way, I became withdrawn, I heard a voice in my mind that reminded me of that November day back in 1989. It said " You killed your other child and then you went an had another one, you fool." I know "kill " is such a strong word and to hear that it just made me feel that I could never be the mom that she desired. I didn't know back then, but the enemy will do or say anything to make us feel ashamed and worthless.
Life seemed to be getting darker but I continued to pray hoping to get some answers to my questions... "Why can't I be like the other mothers?" "Why does she seem to hate me?" "What am I doing wrong?" "Why can't I get close to her?" My heart was breaking for all I wanted was to love her.
I know now that God was listening. That he was being ever so gentle with me. He began to heal the wound that had gone deep, so deep that layers of skin had grown over it but it was still infected.
One Sunday at church there was an invitation for a bible study for women who had an abortion, that was the first nudge. I signed up, hoping no one would see my name...
To follow the complete story click on labels:abortion or My Secret Sin
I have mentioned before about volunteering at a crisis pregnancy center. About a year ago, I was asked to be the program coordinator for the abortion recovery. Now if you had told me that this is where God would have me serving, I would had said "You're crazy." I never thought that I would be helping other women in revealing their "secret sin." Why would I do that? Maybe because I knew what it is like to go through life thinking you can live with this secret... he would have been 18 in July.
I can still remember the day that I walked into the clinic, asking God to forgive me, believing that this was the only answer. No, I wasn't a desperate teenager, my whole life ahead of me college student, a single mom or a married woman who had an affair. I was married and it was my husband baby but to us the timing wasn't right and our marriage was rocky. I won't touch on every detail that happened that day but when I walked out of that clinic my life was different. At the time I couldn't have put my finger on it, I just knew that I had left a piece of me behind.
For the next 10 years life was a blur and I had feelings of anger that I could not explain. It didn't make sense;I was a Christian who was somewhat involved in the church. I was still married and about 2 years after the abortion we had a beautiful little girl.
The day that she was born I told myself "I'm going to be the best Mom in the world" and for awhile I was. But something happen along the way, I became withdrawn, I heard a voice in my mind that reminded me of that November day back in 1989. It said " You killed your other child and then you went an had another one, you fool." I know "kill " is such a strong word and to hear that it just made me feel that I could never be the mom that she desired. I didn't know back then, but the enemy will do or say anything to make us feel ashamed and worthless.
Life seemed to be getting darker but I continued to pray hoping to get some answers to my questions... "Why can't I be like the other mothers?" "Why does she seem to hate me?" "What am I doing wrong?" "Why can't I get close to her?" My heart was breaking for all I wanted was to love her.
I know now that God was listening. That he was being ever so gentle with me. He began to heal the wound that had gone deep, so deep that layers of skin had grown over it but it was still infected.
One Sunday at church there was an invitation for a bible study for women who had an abortion, that was the first nudge. I signed up, hoping no one would see my name...
To follow the complete story click on labels:abortion or My Secret Sin
Monday, March 10, 2008
Pride
Proverbs 16:18 (The Message) First pride, then the crash— the bigger the ego, the harder the fall.
I had seen this verse before but it never touch my heart with conviction until the day I was at my daughter's soccer banquet.
There I stood in line, plate in hand, ready to grab a piece of angel food cake. Wait a minute, I didn't really want angle food cake. What I really wanted was brownies, chocolate chip cookies and let's not forget the chocolate cake with all that chocolate frosting on top. I know what your thinking "All that chocolate" well, a girl can't have to much chocolate.
As I stood there in line I felt so proud of how I was displaying all this willpower. I would show all those people who couldn't control their fleshly desires that I would reach for the least of the calories. So, as I made my way to the angle food cake, I thought, wait a minute, I'll show everyone the great willpower I have, I won't eat any of it. So,I turned around, walked over to the garbage can and threw away my clean empty plate.
I wondered if anyone had seen me and if they were thinking to themselves "How I wished I had that much control over sweets." I began to walk towards the center of the room, well maybe a little off to the side, I didn't want to be too obvious. As I was standing there with a small glass of water in hand, I began observing everyone else as the desserts were being piled high on their plates. I proudly sucked in my stomach and waited for the event to end.
What accomplishment I had made,not one brownie, not even a crumb had touched my lips. All the way home I had this feeling of victory. How proud I felt as I pulled into the driveway. Walking into the kitchen I laid the container of brownies that had returned untouched nicely on the counter top. Oh, I was so proud of myself to think that I overcame temptation. I even bragged to my husband, who couldn't go because of work, about my victory.
I got into my pj's and waited for everyone to go to bed so I could have my usual time to unwind. There I sat in front of the wide-screen TV just minding my own business when all of a sudden I heard that voice. You know, the one that comes to you when you are alone, when you least expect it. Some call this voice their own(sometime it is) but this time I knew it was the enemy, Satan himself, but what happened next I never expected.
Slowly I was being convinced to have just one little taste of a BROWNIE!!!!! I tried to put up a good fight but in the end I lost. There I sat on the couch, with the evidence of brown crumbs laying on my bathrobe, I slowly lifted my hand putting the last brownie into my mouth.You see, I had already eaten 5 large brownies along with a tall glass of milk,at least the milk (1%) was healthy. I went to bed defeated,again.
I'll never forget the next morning when I woke up, I felt awful. How could I have been so easy of a target, I knew about the battle that goes on in the mind. I told myself well, today is a new day and you have another chance. You see, night eating has always been a struggle for me and I hate it. I workout and eat right during the day but when nighttime comes, need I say more, you know the rest of the story.
After my daughter was off to school I sat down to spend time with the Lord. In my prayer I told Him how I felt about this eating thing and how I hated this constant struggle. That is when He reminded me that I keep trying to do is alone and the pride thing, it always gets in the way. My heart was convicted. He also reminded me that whenever I was in public and there was food around I always tried to make an impression. I always have the 'look at me' attitude. I knew He was right, so I asked He to forgive me and thanked Him for a new start.
I like to tell you since my conversation it's been easy sailing, but to be honest, pride still tries to raise his ugly head. When moments like this come my way I send up a little prayer and say "God, I need your help, I never want to be prideful again." Amen
I had seen this verse before but it never touch my heart with conviction until the day I was at my daughter's soccer banquet.
There I stood in line, plate in hand, ready to grab a piece of angel food cake. Wait a minute, I didn't really want angle food cake. What I really wanted was brownies, chocolate chip cookies and let's not forget the chocolate cake with all that chocolate frosting on top. I know what your thinking "All that chocolate" well, a girl can't have to much chocolate.
As I stood there in line I felt so proud of how I was displaying all this willpower. I would show all those people who couldn't control their fleshly desires that I would reach for the least of the calories. So, as I made my way to the angle food cake, I thought, wait a minute, I'll show everyone the great willpower I have, I won't eat any of it. So,I turned around, walked over to the garbage can and threw away my clean empty plate.
I wondered if anyone had seen me and if they were thinking to themselves "How I wished I had that much control over sweets." I began to walk towards the center of the room, well maybe a little off to the side, I didn't want to be too obvious. As I was standing there with a small glass of water in hand, I began observing everyone else as the desserts were being piled high on their plates. I proudly sucked in my stomach and waited for the event to end.
What accomplishment I had made,not one brownie, not even a crumb had touched my lips. All the way home I had this feeling of victory. How proud I felt as I pulled into the driveway. Walking into the kitchen I laid the container of brownies that had returned untouched nicely on the counter top. Oh, I was so proud of myself to think that I overcame temptation. I even bragged to my husband, who couldn't go because of work, about my victory.
I got into my pj's and waited for everyone to go to bed so I could have my usual time to unwind. There I sat in front of the wide-screen TV just minding my own business when all of a sudden I heard that voice. You know, the one that comes to you when you are alone, when you least expect it. Some call this voice their own(sometime it is) but this time I knew it was the enemy, Satan himself, but what happened next I never expected.
Slowly I was being convinced to have just one little taste of a BROWNIE!!!!! I tried to put up a good fight but in the end I lost. There I sat on the couch, with the evidence of brown crumbs laying on my bathrobe, I slowly lifted my hand putting the last brownie into my mouth.You see, I had already eaten 5 large brownies along with a tall glass of milk,at least the milk (1%) was healthy. I went to bed defeated,again.
I'll never forget the next morning when I woke up, I felt awful. How could I have been so easy of a target, I knew about the battle that goes on in the mind. I told myself well, today is a new day and you have another chance. You see, night eating has always been a struggle for me and I hate it. I workout and eat right during the day but when nighttime comes, need I say more, you know the rest of the story.
After my daughter was off to school I sat down to spend time with the Lord. In my prayer I told Him how I felt about this eating thing and how I hated this constant struggle. That is when He reminded me that I keep trying to do is alone and the pride thing, it always gets in the way. My heart was convicted. He also reminded me that whenever I was in public and there was food around I always tried to make an impression. I always have the 'look at me' attitude. I knew He was right, so I asked He to forgive me and thanked Him for a new start.
I like to tell you since my conversation it's been easy sailing, but to be honest, pride still tries to raise his ugly head. When moments like this come my way I send up a little prayer and say "God, I need your help, I never want to be prideful again." Amen
Friday, February 15, 2008
Joy of the Lord
This is the day the Lord has made.
We will rejoice and be glad in it.(NLT)
Psalm 118:24
I knew a woman who didn't need much to make her joyful. Most of her time was spent encouraging and serving others. She loved to listen to you even when life wasn't treating you fairly. Not always to give you a solution but a smile as to say "I care."
She always made time for God. Reading His word and having her daily conversation with Him, was at the top of her list. I could see joy written all over her face and a peace that said "I like who I am and where God has me." She knew where to find her joy, even through trails and tribulations.
Thinking about this woman, my mom, it reminded me of just a few weeks ago how I couldn't stop watching the clock. Every time I looked at where the hands were it brought me back to the awful event,that took place on February 6, 2003.
The morning started out pretty normal. I had gotten up to get my daughter off to school only to find out, she was not feeling well. I thought not today, today was my day to visit mom.I enjoyed those days, time alone spent with her. But Sydney was sick and how selfish it would have been to drag her out on a cold February day for the visit. So I headed to the phone to let mom know I wouldn’t be coming up to visit her,but the phone just kept on ringing. I thought to myself “Now that seems odd, she always answers the phone, maybe she is in the bathroom or something; I'll call back a little later."
I waited about a half hour before I tried again and this time she answered. Her voice sounded a little strange as if her mouth was full of marbles. I asked her if she was alright and her reply was “No.” So with a little hesitation, I said "Mom, what is wrong?" She then started to tell me that she was making a cup of tea and her sleeve to her bathrobe had caught on fire. I asked her if she had called 911, she replied "No" but told me the neighbor lady Doris,who was like a sister to her was on her way over. My heart felt like it was beating out of my chest as I told her I would be right up.
I quickly got ready and grab Sydney to drive up to the house. I remember as I was driving asking God to give me strength. The thoughts racing through my mind were terrifying,was this the day mom was going home to be with the Lord? What was I going to do? I had lost dad 2 years ago and now mom, I wasn't ready. I remembering asking God if she was going to alright and he whispered "She's coming home."
Even though the ride was 20 minutes away, it seem like hours. As I pulled in the driveway I tried to get Sydney to come in with me but she wouldn't. I have to say it was the first time I was glad she said "No." As I walked towards the house I asked God to help me and to clear my mind. When I opened the door, the kitchen was full of smoke. I saw Doris and Laura,mom's other friend standing next to the sink and the look on their faces said it all.
"Doris, is she alright?" I asked. Shaking her head,she said "Your mom is laying on the couch and it isn't good." As I walking towards the living room, I looked down and there on the kitchen floor I saw the melted imprint of her slipper...my heart sank. Just a few feet ahead of me mom was laying on the couch with a white sheet covering her body. She didn't look like mom except for that sweet smile of hers. I tried so hard to hold back the tears. I knelt down beside her and asked her if she was in a lot of pain. She whispered softly "Oh no honey, I am fine."
She was taken to the hospital where she died at 4:15 that afternoon. Her burns were severe, 90% of her body was covered with 3 degree burns.The doctor later told me that she was surprised mom didn't go into shock until after she was on her way to the hospital. I believe God wanted me to know He was with her during that tragic ordeal. It was His grace and very presence of All Mighty God that held her hand.
Evening had fallen and I still couldn't believed what had happened. I went to bed asking God "Why?" I remember waking up at around 4:00 the next morning with such heaviness in my heart,so I went downstairs a knelt beside my couch. I began crying out to the only One who had all the answers. I knew He was listening . I knew He felt my pain. I knew He was in control of everything and yet my one question was "Why would you let this happen to someone who was so faithful, who never worried about anything because she trusted You?" I couldn't stop crying, I wanted answers but I heard nothing. I cried out,again "Why, God, why?"
A few days had passed and I still was searching for answers. I couldn't stop asking God the same question "Why?" But there on my knees, broken, as my heartached,I began to feel God's presence. It was like He had lend over, placed His hand on my shoulder and whispered in my ear..."Not even the devil could steal her joy." It was then my heart felt peace, you know, the peace that surpass all understanding.
I have found strength, peace and joy in those words that the Lord spoke to me that day. I want to be a woman just like my mom,who completely trusted God,even to the very end. She knew her joy came when her eyes were fixed on Jesus.
We will rejoice and be glad in it.(NLT)
Psalm 118:24
I knew a woman who didn't need much to make her joyful. Most of her time was spent encouraging and serving others. She loved to listen to you even when life wasn't treating you fairly. Not always to give you a solution but a smile as to say "I care."
She always made time for God. Reading His word and having her daily conversation with Him, was at the top of her list. I could see joy written all over her face and a peace that said "I like who I am and where God has me." She knew where to find her joy, even through trails and tribulations.
Thinking about this woman, my mom, it reminded me of just a few weeks ago how I couldn't stop watching the clock. Every time I looked at where the hands were it brought me back to the awful event,that took place on February 6, 2003.
The morning started out pretty normal. I had gotten up to get my daughter off to school only to find out, she was not feeling well. I thought not today, today was my day to visit mom.I enjoyed those days, time alone spent with her. But Sydney was sick and how selfish it would have been to drag her out on a cold February day for the visit. So I headed to the phone to let mom know I wouldn’t be coming up to visit her,but the phone just kept on ringing. I thought to myself “Now that seems odd, she always answers the phone, maybe she is in the bathroom or something; I'll call back a little later."
I waited about a half hour before I tried again and this time she answered. Her voice sounded a little strange as if her mouth was full of marbles. I asked her if she was alright and her reply was “No.” So with a little hesitation, I said "Mom, what is wrong?" She then started to tell me that she was making a cup of tea and her sleeve to her bathrobe had caught on fire. I asked her if she had called 911, she replied "No" but told me the neighbor lady Doris,who was like a sister to her was on her way over. My heart felt like it was beating out of my chest as I told her I would be right up.
I quickly got ready and grab Sydney to drive up to the house. I remember as I was driving asking God to give me strength. The thoughts racing through my mind were terrifying,was this the day mom was going home to be with the Lord? What was I going to do? I had lost dad 2 years ago and now mom, I wasn't ready. I remembering asking God if she was going to alright and he whispered "She's coming home."
Even though the ride was 20 minutes away, it seem like hours. As I pulled in the driveway I tried to get Sydney to come in with me but she wouldn't. I have to say it was the first time I was glad she said "No." As I walked towards the house I asked God to help me and to clear my mind. When I opened the door, the kitchen was full of smoke. I saw Doris and Laura,mom's other friend standing next to the sink and the look on their faces said it all.
"Doris, is she alright?" I asked. Shaking her head,she said "Your mom is laying on the couch and it isn't good." As I walking towards the living room, I looked down and there on the kitchen floor I saw the melted imprint of her slipper...my heart sank. Just a few feet ahead of me mom was laying on the couch with a white sheet covering her body. She didn't look like mom except for that sweet smile of hers. I tried so hard to hold back the tears. I knelt down beside her and asked her if she was in a lot of pain. She whispered softly "Oh no honey, I am fine."
She was taken to the hospital where she died at 4:15 that afternoon. Her burns were severe, 90% of her body was covered with 3 degree burns.The doctor later told me that she was surprised mom didn't go into shock until after she was on her way to the hospital. I believe God wanted me to know He was with her during that tragic ordeal. It was His grace and very presence of All Mighty God that held her hand.
Evening had fallen and I still couldn't believed what had happened. I went to bed asking God "Why?" I remember waking up at around 4:00 the next morning with such heaviness in my heart,so I went downstairs a knelt beside my couch. I began crying out to the only One who had all the answers. I knew He was listening . I knew He felt my pain. I knew He was in control of everything and yet my one question was "Why would you let this happen to someone who was so faithful, who never worried about anything because she trusted You?" I couldn't stop crying, I wanted answers but I heard nothing. I cried out,again "Why, God, why?"
A few days had passed and I still was searching for answers. I couldn't stop asking God the same question "Why?" But there on my knees, broken, as my heartached,I began to feel God's presence. It was like He had lend over, placed His hand on my shoulder and whispered in my ear..."Not even the devil could steal her joy." It was then my heart felt peace, you know, the peace that surpass all understanding.
I have found strength, peace and joy in those words that the Lord spoke to me that day. I want to be a woman just like my mom,who completely trusted God,even to the very end. She knew her joy came when her eyes were fixed on Jesus.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Romans 12:1-2
And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. 2 Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.
When this sciripture was revealed to me it changed my life. I learned that I needed to give up my worldly desires and sinful thoughts. To take my eyes off things that weren't pure , good and pleasing to God. It was difficult and at times it still is but isn't that the least I can do, look at what Jesus did for us. The pain, suffering and seperation from His Father so that we could, if we accept it, have enteral life.
We must not live in our sins. We must not pick one sin over another just because it's degree of acceptance. Please let not Christ's death and suffering be in vain.
But rise above it all by putting God's Word in our mind, meditate on it daily. Let our eyes look on things that are pure, let our ears hear things that are holy and allow His words to penetrate our hearts.
It is only then you will see what purpose God has planned for you.
Go ahead an give it a try. Become willing to be a doer of the Word, then you will know what is pleasing to Him. He just doesn't want our worship and living sacrifices on Sundays. But He wants our worship and living sacrifices daily.
When this sciripture was revealed to me it changed my life. I learned that I needed to give up my worldly desires and sinful thoughts. To take my eyes off things that weren't pure , good and pleasing to God. It was difficult and at times it still is but isn't that the least I can do, look at what Jesus did for us. The pain, suffering and seperation from His Father so that we could, if we accept it, have enteral life.
We must not live in our sins. We must not pick one sin over another just because it's degree of acceptance. Please let not Christ's death and suffering be in vain.
But rise above it all by putting God's Word in our mind, meditate on it daily. Let our eyes look on things that are pure, let our ears hear things that are holy and allow His words to penetrate our hearts.
It is only then you will see what purpose God has planned for you.
Go ahead an give it a try. Become willing to be a doer of the Word, then you will know what is pleasing to Him. He just doesn't want our worship and living sacrifices on Sundays. But He wants our worship and living sacrifices daily.
Friday, February 1, 2008
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