The Real Me

Truth led her to the Water…

“If you want to know the truth, go ask Tammy.” Yep, that’s what Mom would say because she knew I didn’t beat around the bush. It’s how God made me. Maybe that’s why it’s easy for me to speak truth into the lives of those who are hurting and struggling with life. To bring freedom from the grip of Satan’s lies.

 As we’ve learned in Chapter 8 of A Confident Heart by Renee Swope, God gives us different characteristics and spiritual gifts to make up the body of Christ. I’ve taken the test and here are the results: Choleric/ Sanguine   Spiritual gifts: Prophecy, Teaching and Exhortation.

If you have a few more minutes, I’d like to share a story of what happened when I allowed God to use…The Real Me

Sitting across from me in the Spring of 2011, I could see she was unsure about sharing her story (maybe for the first time) the reasons why she chose to abort the child within her. But she really didn’t need to mummer a word, her body language said it all… Shame. Angry. Guilt. Along with an emptiness that had taken residence in her heart.  The voice struggled to cry out. It wanted to take back all she had done but the past was now to be her future.

As her story started to unfold, her body began to relax and there in her eyes I saw a glimmer of hope... God was with us. She told me she had grown up religious but it wasn’t apart of her life today. Yet, she was willing to let me come along side of her to help with this pain that she was experiencing. A pain the world told her wouldn’t exist if she was to have this “procedure.”

 I knew this wasn’t going to be easy. Why? Well, it never is when you have to speak truth into  someone’s life who is blinded by darkness. Darkness has a clever way of making us think we are deserving of wants. It convinces us that life is all about us. I guess you could say its real name is…Pride.  Yes, pride, I knew it all to well. It had destroyed a life within me many years ago and it continued to steal the relationships around me for years to come. So, I knew where she was coming from, where she was and where she was going.

Our relationship grew as the weeks passed through this journey of healing and restoration. We shared, we laughed, we cried, yet I knew she wouldn’t be able to live in the present, until she trusted God. Believed in His Truth. I had asked her several times if she wanted to receive the gift of salvation and each time she would declined the wall grew a little stronger. Then on our fifth meeting the LORD whispered to me “ Tammy, lay out the truth boldly and I’ll do the rest.”   

Yep, you guessed it! She declined and went home. I thought did I hear God or was it my own hopeful desire to lead her to the living water. It wasn’t until our next meeting, she told me she’d been having a hard time swallowing some of the truth that was said to her, but she decided to seek God during the week and she found Him!

Its been two years since the day of her salvation, when Truth spoke into her life and believe me, she is on fire for God!

One thing I try to do is stay connected with the women I’ve worked with either through Facebook, email or texting. Many times my heart has been blessed to see the growth they’ve made, so when Kim invited me to her baptism on November 17, 2013 my heart was filled with a sense of thankfulness. Without hesitation, she stood in front of the congregation and told her testimony. A testimony that many of us are still ashamed to utter a word but not her. By her revealing the “secret” (her daughter) Bella’s life would be validated and Kim’s baptism was now the finally statement to…I belong to Christ Jesus.

Oh, one last thing. As we were all singing and worshiping before the baptism, God spoke these words to my heart... “Tell Kim that her daughter didn’t die in vain.”  Now, I don’t get these orders from God very often but when I told Kim, her eyes filled with tears, and I believed, she knew what God meant.

 My friends…it was a bittersweet moment.

#perfectlove… was waiting for me in my bathroom.

He notices and cares enough to tell us that our hearts need repair. He won’t leave a notice on our front door, but He did leave Himself as a love letter nailed to the Cross of Calvary, declaring the depth of His perfect love. (Renee Swope, A Confident Heart)

 

#perfectlove… was waiting for me in my bathroom.

This night was no different then any other night. Taking off our makeup (which we hated doing) was a little time consuming, but time well spent together. I loved the fact that spending time with Sydney (my daughter) no matter what we did or where we were was always blessing to me. During our “ face washing marathon” you would find us sometimes laughing, make faces in the mirror or talking about life’s struggles.

 Soon our time had come to an end as Sydney patted her face dry and she checked herself in the mirror for one last time before exiting the bathroom. Yet there I was, left standing, finishing up the final touches of moisturizer around the eyes.

 Before Sydney enter her bedroom, I heard her stop died in her tracks, and softly whispered “Mommy, I love you so very much…Goodnight!”

 I had heard those words before, but this night was different. This night those words took my breath away. Words spoken of a #perfectlove that only God could give. As she closed the door behind her, I heard another voice deep within my soul. It was gentle but a sound voice, saying… Tammy, now that’s what forgiveness feels like.

 I started wrestling with the words that I had just encountered. But God…

How could she love me so much after years of throwing angry words at her? What about the times she wanted to be held, but all I could do was push her to the side? Do You remember the time I left her and her dad? Where was the love of her mother then, when she so needed me?

 But God…

He knew about all those questions. We had dealt with them years ago, when I finally stopped manipulating the truth of my abortion. Because of my abortion all of my guilt, bitterness, shame and angry had been hurl towards my daughter. I thought…if I wasn’t worthy enough to love the child that I had aborted, how could I possible be worthy of Sydney’s love. Pushing her away was the answer. Making her hate me…isn’t that what I deserved?

 

But today, He wanted me to believe that all was forgiven. That our relationship was restored and to receive the #perfectlove only He could place in Sydney’s heart towards me. The words that came from my daughter’s lips, God brought forth, to fill my soul and quench the longing of knowing…she has forgiven me.

 

#perfectlove waits patiently for you to make the journey to the “well” of total surrender. 

#SayWhat

I want you to share. But LORD, I don’t think they will understand unless they’ve been there. Well, many have, but they think too that no one will understand,  that’s why I want you to share.

I had decided to forgo participating in the Blog Hop this week until the conversation above took place during my workout at the gym this morning. I have to say, God at times, picks the strangest places to have a conversation with you. So, here is what He wanted me to share…

Along life’s journey, I’ve been asked the question of how many children do I have and the answer has always been two. But this particular evening, about three years ago, as I was standing with my friend and her mother (which I just meet) in the lobby of a church when the “question” came. With a little bit of hesitation I answered “ I have two children.” Immediately, I heard the Holy Spirit clear His throat saying, “You don’t have two children but three. Go ahead and tell her the truth.”  #SayWhat! “There is no way she is going to understand, if I tell her the truth!” was my comeback. “She doesn’t have too, but you need to acknowledge your child. Go ahead, I AM with you.”

I didn’t understand and I was scared to death but I stopped in the middle of the sentence and said “ Well, that not true. You see, I have three children, a son 28, a daughter 17 and a one who died ( her response was… “Oooh” before I could get to the end of my sentence) because I chose to have an abortion that I totally regret now. I could see in her eyes she was trying to comprehend it, so I continued “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable, but I can’t deny my child’s existence anymore, I hope you understand?” With a half smile on her face, she said “Well, I’m sure at the time you didn’t know what to do?.” With a half smile on my face I left it at that.

We ended the night with a hug along with “It was nice meeting you and have a safe trip home.”

 

Walking back to my car I was still confused with why I had to go there, yet I was relieved knowing I didn’t have to hide him (my child) anymore. On the way home, God let me know that it was important not to ignore my child’s life because you see, my friend, she had just finished going through the post-abortion bible study with me as her mentor. She knew my story and she had learned how important it was to be honest about our abortion(s) because if we don’t shame has a way of creeping back into our lives.

It wasn’t easy that night and when I share “my” next step in this testimony of mine with women who I have the privilege to mentor, they say... “I don’t think I will ever be able to be that opened about my abortion(s).” And I gently reply “All I can say is if He speaks to your heart in this area say #YesToGod.”

 

With All My Heart...

Here we are at the hop, Blog Hop with the Yes To God online bible study, our hostess…Melissa Taylor.

 And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength. (Deuteronomy 6:5 NLT)

That’s a pretty big command…don’t you think?

 

But I look at this way. If it was impossible then God wouldn’t ask it of us, right? We are told in Philippians 4:13 that we can do all things through Christ who strengths me. Maybe that’s why God spoke to my heart on Tuesday morning to stop being consumed with Facebook. He even gave me particulars like, for the next seven days I want you to step away from Facebook, however, you can check it twice a day so that you will stay connected with the Facebook group you are in.

 

I know some of you are thinking…really? While other are saying, oh girl, I’ve been there…keep going.

Well, Tuesday I passed with flying colors. It could have been that I was busy most of day with errands to run, mentoring a woman in the afternoon, the Connection Call with Melissa Taylor and let’s not forget preparing supper. As the day was winding down, I thought about how I had achieved this nudge from the LORD and without much of a struggle. I have to admit I was so pride of myself.

Oh, but yesterday was not so satisfying as my day came to a close. There I was standing worshiping God during our Wednesday night service when I heard Him say... “Not so good today?” In response, I said “What are You talking about?” I'm sure He was saying with a somewhat smile on His face… “I noticed that you checked your Facebook more then twice today and as you did you softly whispered… “Just to see if I have any messages, quick on and quick off” but you see Tammy, that wasn’t part of details.”

So, today, I focusing “again” on loving God with all of my strength. You may be asking…why not along with other two (mind and soul)? I’m realizing that my strength in of my self is the flesh and this (my) flesh will fail every time without being mindful of God's presence. I believe the desire in our hearts and souls to love the LORD is always there as daughters of the King and He sees that, but it’s the “doing” that cause us to stumble.

So, ladies. Repeat after me …I can do all things through Christ who strengthen me.

Who's in Control?

This quote from Let. It. Go. by Karen Ehman got my attention... "Whether your life contains life-altering crises, out-of-control circumstances, or relatively normal bumps and blips, you must nestle yourself neatly and surrendered into the spot God has reserved for you in it all."

 

If I was going to make it to the other side of this mess, I had to trust in God.

What was meant to be a promising business started to go in a way that I felt wouldn't honor God. I knew standing my ground could mean losing a dear friend and likely put distance between me and my husband. During this time I cried out to God, asking Him to change my heart if I just wanting to be in control. Was it me who was the "stick in the mud?"

My heart was telling me that God would take care of  it, that He was in control of the situation...right? I knew He saw the real motive in each of our hearts, yet my head was telling me something totally different and I was getting VERY impatience. My marriage was falling apart, a marriage that had survived 25 years of dark valleys and a friendship I treasured was now unraveling.

Oh, ladies, believe me when I say the voice was getting stronger with each passing day that unless I did something...nothing was going to change! I thought about leaving, giving up, walking out on this marriage. Why not?  No one who was involved in this business cared how it was affecting me or the marriage and I'll let you in on a little secret...the voice even suggested to me to end my own life...."NOW that would show them who's in control!" it whispered. I know what you thinking. How could I have gone there? Well, my life felt out of control, I felt alone and God seemed so distinct.

But He was there, I was just staring at the mountain instead of lifting my eyes to the Throne. Once I released the situation, placed it in His hands and rested in His promises the gates of Heaven opened up and I felt at peace.

It did took longer then I had hoped for the business to dissolves but it did.

I am in a new season now, yet I've lost two friends and a marriage that is still on the road to healing. But, I learned that God knew were I was, how I was feeling and collected every tear I cried in a bottle, whispering..."Trust Me, I got this one."  

But I am trusting you, O Lord,
saying, “You are my God!”  (Psalm 31:14 NLT)

 

His Plan!

“Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.”    (Proverbs 19:21 NIV)

This wasn't a unfamiliar place to me, but this time it was different. The stage was simple, there was no elaborate backdrop. The music playing was filled with words of praise. The hands of the audience were lifted high in full surrender to the All Mighty God.

 
I too, had my palms facing toward heaven with thanksgiving, for the new life that He had given me. A life with no more shame. A life where now I was helping other women, just like me, find healing from the secret of abortion.

 
Standing there praising Him, I knew I was right where I belong, in the audience and not on the stage.

 
You see, during my adolescent years, I would perform my dance routines on this very stage. Twirling and moving around in a beautiful costume. Waiting to hear the thunder of applause fill the air and when the final curtain call came I would then take my bow. I would soak in sounds of praise for my great works and as the spotlight bounced off my face, my heart would begin to fill with a desire to carry out my plans for the future...to want more of me.

 
The day finally came...there I stood behind that same curtain waiting to make my grand entrance, not as a dance student, but as Miss Tammy, the dance teacher. I longed to hear the crowd's approval. How I longed be exalted. I was beginning to arrange the colorful cobblestones on the path I had chosen.

 
Years have gone by since then and my plans have changed. Today, they are plans directed by God. So, there I stood with over 500 women from around the State of New York, who had traveled to our yearly Assemblies of God Conference.

 
It was on that day, God spoke these words to me: You are now exalting Me and no longer exalting yourself. And I believe... He said with a smile.

 

 

 

I was warned...

I heard about you. The way you connect with people. Introducing us to friends around the world. I was warned not to fall for your promises. Promises of casual meetings and that you wouldn't demand too much attention.

 Lies! They were all lies! I've been put under your spell, each day more consumed by you...Mr. Facebook!

 

Yep! I have fallen and I don't know how to get up...until now!

 

I'm finding the strength to put boundaries around our relationship with the help of Karen Ehman, author of Let. IT. GO. She has dealt with tangents, like you, in the past and she's walking with me through this journey of... Let. It. Go.

 

So, here's my plan. I will only visit you three times a day and yes, there will be a time limit, but I haven't decided on those limits...yet. (working on that one...ladyfriends.)  I know what your thinking, its not going to work, well, Karen says..." Give yourself time. Look for progress, not perfection."

 

Father God, I want You to consume me with Your plans for the day. For my life.