Many years after my abortion, I tried not to wonder what kind of life my child would have experienced…“Why wonder?” It wouldn’t change anything. I looked at my situation as a roadblock and the only way around it was to walk up to the clinic and opened that door. It was on that day, I decided to place myself first. Trusting God? Well, it seemed impossible.
God had spoken truth to me before that day at the kitchen table, I’m sure. But it was that day I became exhausted from running. I had finally stopped searching for the next best place to hide. I was ready to listen. At last I was willing to hold my baby. To see him as a child of God and not just a situation that needed to be dealt with. So there I stood, completely clothed in filthy rags and full of shame. As I placed my child close to my heart I felt the rags fall. It was then the cloth of mercy took its place. The shamefulness poured out of me. It was like a floodgate had been opened to the River of Grace.
I was broken. Jesus took the shame, anger, guilt and bitterness I had carried for years and spoke these words “Now give it to me, don’t pick it up again. Turn around, walk away and live.” I could feel the weight being lifted off of my shoulders as I handed Him my burden…once again. But this time it was different. This time I completely trusted Him to take what the enemy meant for evil and use it to His glory! I had finally stopped trying to forgive myself and embraced the forgiveness of Jesus.
For the first time…I could wonder.
I wondered what my relationship would’ve been like with my daughter, if God hadn’t spoken truth into my heart. I wondered what would’ve happened if I had kept on running. How I would be serving Him today? Would I be serving Him today? I needed to wonder. I needed to remember…If I didn’t remember my child, who would?
I wonder… if you would’ve had your father’s eyes.
I wonder… if you would’ve had your mother’s hair.
I wonder… if you would’ve been tall, short, meek or strong.
I wonder, what foods you would’ve liked, what books you would’ve read, what dreams you would’ve accomplished.
I wonder… Christian Daniel