Monday, March 2, 2009

I wonder

Many years after my abortion, I tried not to wonder what kind of life my child would have experienced…“Why wonder?” It wouldn’t change anything. I looked at my situation as a roadblock and the only way around it was to walk up to the clinic and opened that door. It was on that day, I decided to place myself first. Trusting God? Well, it seemed impossible.

God had spoken truth to me before that day at the kitchen table, I’m sure. But it was that day I became exhausted from running. I had finally stopped searching for the next best place to hide. I was ready to listen. At last I was willing to hold my baby. To see him as a child of God and not just a situation that needed to be dealt with. So there I stood, completely clothed in filthy rags and full of shame. As I placed my child close to my heart I felt the rags fall. It was then the cloth of mercy took its place. The shamefulness poured out of me. It was like a floodgate had been opened to the River of Grace.

I was broken. Jesus took the shame, anger, guilt and bitterness I had carried for years and spoke these words “Now give it to me, don’t pick it up again. Turn around, walk away and live.” I could feel the weight being lifted off of my shoulders as I handed Him my burden…once again. But this time it was different. This time I completely trusted Him to take what the enemy meant for evil and use it to His glory! I had finally stopped trying to forgive myself and embraced the forgiveness of Jesus.

For the first time…I could wonder.

I wondered what my relationship would’ve been like with my daughter, if God hadn’t spoken truth into my heart. I wondered what would’ve happened if I had kept on running. How I would be serving Him today? Would I be serving Him today? I needed to wonder. I needed to remember…If I didn’t remember my child, who would?

I Wonder
I wonder… if you would’ve had your father’s eyes.
I wonder… if you would’ve had your mother’s hair.
I wonder… if you would’ve been tall, short, meek or strong.

I wonder, what foods you would’ve liked, what books you would’ve read, what dreams you would’ve accomplished.

I wonder… Christian Daniel



LisaShaw said...

My heart is with you as I read and thought of our precious one. I have to confess that I used to wonder...does our precious one hate us?

That was the main thing I wondered for MANY MANY years. I had to release that part of the pain to the LORD as well because until I did I could not move, I could not even breath at times because the pain was so heavy.

Now, I just wonder when we'll see and hold our precious one in heaven knowing the Comforting Arms of the LORD have held our child all this time which words can not express my love and apprecation to the LORD...

thank you for sharing as always Tammy and for touching another part of my heart.

Beth in NC said...

That is beautiful Tammy. I am grateful that you will have all of eternity to catch up on the days of Christian Daniel in heaven. This life is but a breath.

Bless you for sharing your heart.

Darlene said...

Christian Daniel. What a beautiful name, mother.
Your blog is inspiring me to wonder...
and heal.

Edie said...

I love the name Christian Daniel. I'm so glad you decided to tell your story again. God is using this to touch hearts.

God bless!!

Paula (SweetPea) said...

What a beautiful post. A beautiful name. A beautiful mother. A beautiful child of God.
Sweet blessings,

Lori said...

Beautiful post, Tammy!

Jennifer said...

Oh, Tammy...what a beautiful post! I absolutely love your transparent heart with all your honesty.

Christian Daniel...what a beautiful name!

You are an amazing woman, Tammy! May God continue to richly bless you.


Anonymous said...

Tammy...the day will come when you will not have to wonder anymore.

For now though...God is using you to help others.

hugs my friend,

**said another prayer for Brandon just now.

Anonymous said...

oh Tammy please forgive me...I meant Ryan not Brandon.

I am praying for another bloggers young adult son too...named Brandon.

I realized my mistake as I was praying.


Beth in NC said...

Thank you for the follow Tammy! I am so honored!

Bless you today!

HIS Daughter said...

I read your entire story tonight. Thank you for opening your heart and allowing your pain and joy to speak to other women who think there is no forgiveness for this sin.

You and Beth Moore via the Esther Bible study as well as Tessa (Cricket) have encouraged me to quit dragging my feet and continue on with my testimony.

Today was painful in a new way while I relived the pain of that young vulnerable girl of 16 that I was.

There was no anger at GOD'S Sovereignty because HE knew what would happen and what HE could use from it. There was no anger at the young man of long ago who raped me, nor even the old minister that declared me banished from grace.

The anger that remains is toward the Pharisees that still dwell among my extended family and their cruelty. I will continue writing and even though Jesus called them a brood of vipers, I don't think I'm allowed to :-)

Blessings and love,
p.s. I'm doing the story here

Pam said...

Tammy, I can honestly say I am not there yet. Praise God that He has brought you so far. I appreciate your honesty because it helps me so much to know I am not alone. Sometimes it seems this journey is inch by inch of gaining ground. I am also keeping Ryan in my prayers. Love ya, Pam

JMBMOMMY said...

Your story tells of God's faithfulness...amazing.

Letters From Midlife said...

I'm glad to have found your blog through another. Your story is a testament to God's grace and faithfulness to restore and heal.

Carolyn said...

Tammy, I was struck by your words..
"I was broken. Jesus took the shame, anger, guilt and bitterness I had carried for years and spoke these words “Now give it to me, don’t pick it up again. Turn around, walk away and live.” I could feel the weight being lifted off of my shoulders as I handed Him my burden"…
It doesn't matter what the sin is or the guilt and unforgiveness we carry, Jesus is our burden-carrier. In exchange for that burden, He gives us His peace. Wow, what a bargain for us!
Thank you for sharing your story, and thanks for your encouraging comments that you leave for me.
Love and prayers, Carolyn

Debbie said...

I love how you write so openly and honestly. I'm sure that God will use your testimony to help and encourage other women. Thank you for visiting Heart Choices and leaving your comment. I want to come back and spend some time reading your entire story. I notice that you live in NY. I was born and raised on Long Island.

Anonymous said...

Hi! We are new friends but not by accident. I teach high school and am around teenage girls all day long. From time to time hear news of this girl or that having had abortions. My reaction is generally, (1) sad for them and (2)prayer that someone will minister to her and (3) that somehow by God's grace Satan will not be allowed to torment her with it forever.

Reading your testimony and shared reprecusions I have a new appreciation to what I know many, many of them are going through mentally and emotionally. While I cannot fully symphathize, I can certainly be more understanding, compassionate and loving.

I have no doubt that God is honored by your willingness to be transparent for Him. Love, Jill

Lighthouse Prayer Line said...

Hi Tammy,

Your site looks amazing! Great post too!!

God bless you,

Mark, Lynn, Brooke & Carley

Mrs.Naz@BecomingMe said...

Oh Tammy, this was so poignant and beautiful. Thank you for sharing your heart.

The Real Gal said...

Thank you Tammy for sharing your heart. Much blessings dear one!