Atonement- Reconciliation or an instance of reconciliation between God and humans.
“I shouldn’t be thinking this, but I want to have another baby. There's an emptiness that I'm feeling and another baby would fill it” she said with questionable voice. Immediately the thoughts of desiring to make up for what I had done came rushing back to me. I, too, made the choice to end my child’s life by having an abortion and within a year I wanted so desperately to undone my selfish act. Like the young lady, who was sitting across from me, having another baby made sense? Didn’t it?
The above conversation is not uncommon; as a matter of fact it is quite common. There is much regret after having an abortion. That is, once the feeling of relief has left and guilt takes its place, all you can think about is… how I can make it right.
The day that I conceived my daughter was to be my day of atonement with God. Our daughter was planned, at least I planned her. By having this baby, it was going to take the place of my aborted child. I wanted to show God that I was worthy of His love. I was going to show Him that I was truly sorry for placing my life before the child's life, and by having another baby, it would the ultimate sacrifice to receiving God’s forgiveness.
But within a year, I started to withdraw from her and my relationship with my daughter, Sydney, became estranged. I wanted to love her but couldn’t. Oh, I was a great pretender around other mothers. One minute, I would smother her with kisses and the next minute I was telling her how much of a burden she had become. Feelings of guilt and angry swirled around her for the next thirteen years of her life.
Soon I realized that I wasn’t the only one with these feelings and that I couldn’t do ANYTHING to earn God’s forgiveness! His forgiveness was free! God sent his Son to die for my sins (our sins), all of them,and all I needed was to confess, receive God's forgiveness and believe in His Son.
His Son was the Atonement for my sins... not my child.
Romans 4:7-8 “Blessed are they
whose transgressions are forgiven,
whose sins are covered.
Blessed is the man
whose sin the Lord will never count against him."
Today, my relationship with my daughter has been restored and I’m so blessed to be her mother. She is growing into a beautiful young woman inside and out. I can’t explain why Sydney holds no animosity towards me.
She once explained to a newspaper reporter (who was writing about the abortion) her thoughts about our relationship. When asked if she understood why her mother acted this way towards her, her reply was “All I knew was that my mommy did love me and I loved her. She just didn’t know how to show me, until she could love herself.”
Thank you for Your love that continues to flow through us, even when we don't know how to love. Thank you for never leaving us during our times of rebellion and I ask for the Holy Spirit to stir the hearts of those who are still hiding from You. I pray that they will hear Your whispering words..."Where are you, my child?" In Jesus name...Amen!