Monday, June 7, 2010

Changing One Heart for Many...wk 21

   If you’re visiting for the first time and you don’t know my story (God’s Story), you may want to check it on the left-hand side bar under “My Secret Sin.” I was one of those human beings who needed a heart change. If you have had an abortion, I want you to know you will find no condemnation here, but you will find Truth wrapped in grace and mercy. God has brought you here because He doesn’t want you to hurt and feel ashamed anymore, but what He does want from you is to trust Him with your pain. Will you do that? I hope so. If you need to talk or need prayer, click on ‘profile’ for email.

 Atonement- Reconciliation or an instance of reconciliation between God and humans.

“I shouldn’t be thinking this, but I want to have another baby. There's an emptiness that I'm feeling and another baby would fill it” she said with questionable voice. Immediately the thoughts of desiring to make up for what I had done came rushing back to me. I, too, made the choice to end my child’s life by having an abortion and within a year I wanted so desperately to undone my selfish act. Like the young lady, who was sitting across from me, having another baby made sense? Didn’t it?

 The above conversation is not uncommon; as a matter of fact it is quite common. There is much regret after having an abortion. That is, once the feeling of relief has left and guilt takes its place, all you can think about is… how I can make it right.

The day that I conceived my daughter was to be my day of atonement with God. Our daughter was planned, at least I planned her. By having this baby, it was going to take the place of my aborted child. I wanted to show God that I was worthy of His love. I was going to show Him that I was truly sorry for placing my life before the child's life, and by having another baby, it would the ultimate sacrifice to receiving God’s forgiveness. 

But within a year, I started to withdraw from her and my relationship with my daughter, Sydney, became estranged. I wanted to love her but couldn’t. Oh, I was a great pretender around other mothers. One minute, I would smother her with kisses and the next minute I was telling her how much of a burden she had become. Feelings of guilt and angry swirled around her for the next thirteen years of her life.

Soon I realized that I wasn’t the only one with these feelings and that I couldn’t do ANYTHING to earn God’s forgiveness! His forgiveness was free! God sent his Son to die for my sins (our sins), all of them,and all I needed was to confess, receive God's forgiveness and believe in His Son.

His Son was the Atonement for my sins... not my child.

Romans 4:7-8 “Blessed are they
      whose transgressions are forgiven,
      whose sins are covered.
  Blessed is the man
      whose sin the Lord will never count against him."

Today, my relationship with my daughter has been restored and I’m so blessed to be her mother. She is growing into a beautiful young woman inside and out. I can’t explain why Sydney holds no animosity towards me.

She once explained to a newspaper reporter (who was writing about the abortion) her thoughts about our relationship. When asked if she understood why her mother acted this way towards her, her reply was “All I knew was that my mommy did love me and I loved her. She just didn’t know how to show me, until she could love herself.”

Father, my heart can't even express how thankful I am for Your love that filled my child's heart, when I couldn't.

Father God,
Thank you for Your love that continues to flow through us, even when we don't know how to love. Thank you for never leaving us during our times of rebellion and I ask for the Holy Spirit to stir the hearts of those who are still hiding from You. I pray that they will hear Your whispering words..."Where are you, my child?" In Jesus name...Amen!



LisaShaw said...

My precious friend,

So grateful for God's restorative GRACE for you and your daughter.

I so love your heart! Thank you for sharing your heart with us.

Love and prayers...

Karen said...

What a sweet post...

Jennifer said...

Oh Tammy. What an amazing testimony. Your daughter is beautiful!!!

Sonja said...


I was so touched by Sydney's heart for her mom. And she got it so right... she KNEW her mom loved her, but that love was locked up until you knew God forgave you. It's one of the reasons why you are being used so effectively to other young women... they know you really do understand.

Love this Tammy, and love the pic of you and your beautiful girl!



RCUBEs said...

Glad that your bond with your daughter was not broken. Held tight by His love and grace. This is a powerful insight. That we get the atonement not from the child but from Jesus. Glory to God! Blessings to you.

April said...

Thank you for sharing that Tammy & for giving me more insight into ways I can pray...

quietspirit said...

We all have times in our lives when we think we are doing the right thing but we come at it from the wrong angle.
We forget that God sent His Son to die for our sins.
I'm glad you were able to make things right with your daughter.

Terri Tiffany said...

You made me cry with this post. I never realized how your pain and emotions would play out that way with another child. Bless your daughter for understanding.

Barbara said...

Oh Tammy, this touched my heart so much...the love your daughter could absorb even thru your pain...God is so amazing and what a testimony to share and a guide for others walking that path. You have an awesome ministry God has called you into.

Joan Davis said...


I found your blog through Marsha's Musings...and I followed your advice. I read "My Secret Sin" prior to your recent post. As I navigated backward in time through your blog, tears formed in my eyes and my heart welled with emotion. Your transparancy is incredibly moving and I admire your honesty. God will use your testimony in ways you probably can't even imagine. Thank you for sharing!

Blessings to you and your precious daughter. God obviously has His hand on both of your lives. And from reading your story, I know that you know this...but God loves you! Romans 4:7-8

Living for Him, Joan

myletterstoemily said...

wow, what an amazing daughter you
have! isn't that just like Him to give
you the sweetest and the best.

thank you for your testimony. it
moved my heart.

Edie said...

I'm so glad God held your relationship with Sydney together.

Love you my friend!

Julie Gillies said...

Hi Tammy,
What a powerful story. Only God can change a heart and heal a mother-daughter relationship like He did for you and Sydney. She sounds like a precious girl and I'm SO grateful your relationship is restored.