Just Do It

To follow this story start with: My Secret Sin 5/08/08

I would like to thank all of you who have visited my blog and for coming back over the last several months to read my story (God’s Story)…My Secret Sin. I didn’t share my story to shock anyone but my intention was to show God’s grace and how we can trust in His Word.

There are days I still visit my past, not so I will walk around with my eyes looking at the ground full of shame…oh no! But just like Joseph, I’m reminded how God took this awful experience and is now using it to His glory. What Satan meant for evil, God is using it for good; I give God all the glory!

Since I have begun telling my story, whether it be at the hairdresser’s or at a speaking event, God has saturated me with His love and has given me the courage to speak about this difficult subject. My heart goes out to women who at one time in their lives felt abortion was the only answer. I know what it’s like to hide a secret and to be afraid to tell anyone, in fear of judgment. I must admit every time I would push the button to publish my post I could hear the voice of the enemy, whispering to me that no one would care to read about my secret and I would be hurting my daughter by sharing my thoughts of hatred towards her, that I once had. I want to assure you before I even started to share; I had a heart to heart talk with her and she gave me her blessing.

Talking with her about her brother isn’t easy but it is healing. We’ve even planted a Japanese Cherry tree in our flower garden and placed a statute of a little boy reading a book while seating on a bench in memory of Christian Daniel. A little over year ago I went to a memorial for about four women who went through our abortion recovery bible study at the center, where I volunteer. I, myself had already been to a memorial for children lost through an abortion, miscarriage or stillbirths, this part of the program is very healing. But I needed to be there for this one because of my involvement with the bible study, so this time I invited my husband and daughter to participate and they did. The service was held at my church and my pastor spoke at the memorial. Many tears were shed that day; many hearts for the first time spoke the name of their child (children) and my family, it was the first time we as a family mourned for Christian…publicly.

You may not have had an abortion, but I’m sure something has touched your life to the point of drawing you closer to God or maybe it's kept you at a distance. It may not be the time for you to share your secret but when it is…God will let you know.

I’m not sure what God has planned next for me with this new found way of communicating…blogging,but whatever it is I promise to step out in faith and just do it!

Wow...another award!

What a blessing and a surprise to have received an award from blogging friend, Nancy at http://oliveleafministries.blogspot.com/
Nancy is a wife,mother, speaker, author and teacher of God's Word and has a weekly devotion on Monday that is a true blessing! Thank you,Nancy!

Here are the rules: 1. Mention the blog that gave it to you.2. Publish these rules.3. Share six values that are important to you and six things you do not support. 4.Grant the prize to six people.

What I value:
Our Creator... God
God's Word
Family
Life
My Best Friend...Lisa
My little doggies...Boudie& Sadie

What I do not support:
Abortion
Lieing
Disrespect
Avoiding God's Truth
Living together...unmarried
Oprah

I pass this award on to:

Pat:http://www.patlayton.blogspot.com/

Dawn:http://www.dawnward.net/

Alene:http://positivelyalene.blogspot.com/

Stephanie:http://psalm42-2.blogspot.com/

Christ-like Quality

Well, today is Friday an Edie at ‘Rich Gifts’ has asked this question “What quality of Christ’s do you most see in yourself?”

When I first read the question I thought, what kind of answer could I give without sounding prideful? But the more I thought about it I realized it’s what I pray every morning before I begin my day…to be more Christ-like.
So, my answer is to speak the truth because,John 8:32 says “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” I think telling someone the truth has always been a part of me. I remember when I was a young girl, many years ago, my mom would say “If you want to know the truth, go ask Tammy.” Of course back then, I’m sure I didn’t speak the truth in love or whether I was concerned the person would live thier life to the fullest by me speaking the truth to them.

There were times when I would be teaching a bible study or speaking with women who might have been struggling with life’s issues and at the end of our meeting I would say “I hope I didn’t offend you?” but I have come to understand that speaking the truth does offend at times. We,as human-beings can get very comfortable rubbing elbows with sin. To live in God's truth would mean for us to stop with all of the 'how we feel' and step into a place of complete surrender to our own desires.

When Jesus spoke to the adulteress, He spoke with no condemnation but He made it clear “to go and sin no more.” Then there was the woman at the well (she’s my favorite) now that gal well, she just kept beating around the bush until finally Jesus had enough of her 'how I feel' and said it…the truth.
Truth isn't suppose to give us a fuzzy feeling inside, but it's purpose is to cause us to stop looking at ourselves and start looking at the real reason why we are here...it's to fulfill God's plan for us.

One thing I have learned in my journey with Christ is when you finally take hold of God’s truth; you will have life to the fullest and victory over the Enemy!
So, there you have it, if you want to know the truth you can ask me but better yet ask God!

Heal the Wound

I discovered this song by Point of Grace during the time of sharing my story 'My Secret Sin.'

This song has ministered to me many times,reminding me it's God's mercy and grace that gives me the freedom to reveal my scars. May you also be blessed and encouraged.

Psalm 34:4-5 (NLT)

I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me.
He freed me from all my fears.
Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy;
no shadow of shame will darken their faces.

What's your passion?

Over at Edie’s blog ‘Rich Gifts’ she is asking the question “What is your passion or passions?” Well, after a few days I’m ready to give my answer I hope, I’m not too late?

My passion is to live in God’s truth. There was a time in my life I would have run in the opposite direction when I was face to face with God’s truth.

The woman at the well reminds us of how not living in truth can separate us and draw us into a place of loneliness. Everyday she went to the well at a certain time in order to avoid the other women so not to be reminded of the truth. Everyday the hot sun would beat down on her as she would draw the water from the well only to quench her physical thirst. But she had a thirst much deeper within, a thirst only God’s truth satisfies.
Then the day came when she could no longer hide from the life she had been living because as she approached the well she was about to encounter the living Truth. It was God’s truth spoken to her heart that would set her free and gave her the passion to run back to the village leaving her water, the very thing she came for, to tell others of what Jesus had done for her.

The truth of God’s word has set me free but must admit I too, walked down some dust roads in the heat of the afternoon trying to avoid my sin. God has taken the very thing that I was running from and has placed me in a position to help other women find the same freedom. My life has forever been changed!

I wonder...

To follow this story start with: My Secret Sin 5/08/08
Many years after my abortion, I tried not to wonder what kind of life my child would have experienced. Why wonder? It wouldn’t have changed anything. I had looked at my circumstance as a roadblock and the only way around it was to walk up to the clinic and opened that door. On that day,I decided to place myself first and for me to trust God…well, it seemed impossible.

I’m sure God had spoken truth to me before but at the kitchen table that day it was overwhelming, because I was exhausted from running and searching for the next best place to hide. So there I stood, completely clothed in filthy rags and filled with shame. I was finally willing to hold my baby, to see him as a child of God and not just a situation. As I drew him close to my heart the rags fell and was replaced with a cloth of righteousness.The shame pored out of me like a floodgate opening up to a river of grace.

I was broken and restore as I laid my burden at the cross. My Jesus took the shame, anger, guilt and bitterness I had carried for years and spoke these words “Now give it to me, don’t pick this up again but turn around, walk away and live.” I could feel the weight being lifted off of my shoulders as I handed Him my burden…once again. But this time it was different, this time I completely trusted Him to take what the enemy meant for evil and use it to His glory! I had finally stopped trying to forgive myself and I started embracing the forgiveness of Jesus.

I could now begin to wonder….

So…I wonder,what my relationship would have been like with my daughter today, if God hadn’t spoken truth into my heart two years ago. I wonder,if I had refused to let God unlock the door to the room in my heart that was meant for my unborn child, how would I be serving Him today?I wonder,what my life would have been like if I had kept my secret to myself…would I’ve continued to carried my burden standing upright so everyone around wouldn’t suspect the choice I had made on November 12, 1989.

I’m not much of a poet but God laid these words on my heart that day .

I WonderI wonder… if you would’ve had your father’s eyes.
I wonder… if you would’ve had your mother’s hair.
I wonder… if you would’ve been tall, short, meek or strong.

I wonder,what foods you would’ve liked, what books you would’ve read, what dreams you would’ve accomplished.

I wonder… Christian Daniel

Restored

To follow this story start with: My Secret Sin 5/08/08
Forgiveness was something I desperately want from my children,yet so afraid to tell them the truth. Leading up to the moments before I revealed my secret sin, I wasn’t sure if my children would ever forgive me for making the choice to put my life before the precious child I once carried inside of me. It’s hard to describe the fear of rejection, I’m sure you’ve all been there one time or another. For me,it was to think what if I was to expose my secret would they a walk away one by one?

But they didn’t.
They had questions…I answered. They had ‘what ifs’…we dreamed together.

I was now free to share my (our) story with the rest of the world. So, there I sat at the kitchen table writing the last scripture into my testimony when I laid my pen down, bowed my head and asked God once again “Why can’t I love my daughter?” “Why do I always push her away with the very hands I long to hold her with?” I was tried of asking these questions...why was God taking so long to answer? Didn’t He want me to be close to my daughter? Couldn't He see I was killing her, too?

My mind began to spin thinking about all the words of anger and rejection that spewed out of my mouth. Words cutting deep into her soul, these words had started to build a wall between us and if our relationship continued down this path, she would fade away.

I began to sob uncontrollably from the pain that was welling up inside of me. Lifting my head off the table, my eyes focused upwards and with a loud shout,I cried out “God, what is wrong with me?” “I know you have forgiven me and in my head I believe it’s true but my heart, it’s empty…why?” I wiped the tears from my face and placed my head on the kitchen table once again, but this time in complete surrender. Within a few minutes, I felt His presence, call me crazy… but I knew He was there. His voice was so soft, almost a whisper as He spoke my name. I lifted my head from the table and responded “What is it, Lord?” Then the words of truth came out of His mouth like a two-edged sword “You can’t love Sydney, until you love your aborted child.”

Why did the truth have to be so raw? I thought God was all about love...saying the truth in love isn’t it what we learn as Christians? I knew He was right, just like the woman at the well; I too, needed the truth spoken to me. I could see His arms reaching towards me and then I saw him, my child. “Go ahead,” God said “Hold him, you need to hold him.” God was speaking directly to my heart, for my heart had never held my baby.

At first I hesitated,if I held him it would mean my child just wasn’t about a bible study for the post-aborted woman or even words of how sorry I was for making this choice. By holding him,placed him next to my heart, a place I skillfully guarded for years. It would be the first time in 16 years I looked into the eyes of Jesus and saw His heart…not mine. He wanted me to love this child…the way He loved him. He wanted me to be free to embrace the life…he would have had. He wanted me to lay the burden of never physically holding him at the foot of the cross…to holding him in my heart.

I must take a moment to catch my breath; it’s a day I will always remember. It's the day I was reconciled back to God.